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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I deal with the inequality in our relationship?

274 replies

TheSeriousSanta · 08/12/2008 18:27

My DH works away every week (leaved before 6am monday, back late Friday night).

We have a 6 month old son, so I have cared for DS alone since he was born. You don't need to be a mind reader to know I don't go out much at all during the week.

We also have a dog and he has two older kids.

Since DS was born, DH has spent many of the weekends at home in a grump, barely speaking. I thought things were getting better, but this week just gone was a bit of a nightmare. On Sunday, we ended up having a ig argument and DH told me that he was unhappy because I don't do enough around the house.

  1. I look after DS single handedly and still do 99% of childcare on weekends (nappy changes, feeds, baths etc)
  2. We have a dog and I do 100% walking, feeding, toileting etc.
  3. I keep the house in a reasonable state (don't have cleaners) during the week.

DH doesn't think there should be any housework (and this includes larger / one off jobs like cleaning the cooker/ oven) nor should there be any ironing.

I have also gone back to work because DH is quite protective of 'his' money and I don't feel comfortable spending it.

FWIW, I help out ALOT with his DSDs when they ar here.

SO, after a horrid weekend, where we have barely spoken (other to argue) I am now in with a (very!) whingey baby who for whatever reason won't settle to anything and he's just called me to say he's off out to dinner and have a few drinks.

I know I'm having a massive rant, but it just feels like I get the rough end of the deal here, and it also feels like DH actually prefers being away to being home at the mo.

How do I try putting it right? I have tried talking to him but he either (i) blanks me (ii) tells me I'm ranting (iii) tells me I'm over egging the whole thing.

I just feel totally fed up with the whole thing and the baby is screaming AGAIN for the twentieth time today.

OP posts:
mrsmaidamess · 08/12/2008 19:36

Well, I'm going to ask, what did you do? Why do you feel beholden, and why does he feel that you are forever in his 'debt' both financially, and with family life?

dittany · 08/12/2008 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsmaidamess · 08/12/2008 19:38

well said dittany.

fourkidsmum · 08/12/2008 19:38

TheSeriousSanta,

in a way this is too big to give really good advice on i think

but , in case they help, these are my initial thoughts...

you made me laugh about not leaving the baby with him for a day - because i've often thought what you say myself!! You hear of women leaving the baby with their dh while they have a day out, and coming back to find chaos...and a reformed dh...but i just don't get that.
looking after a baby for a day bares no resemblance to looking after a house and baby (or several dcs), and a dog, and doing the washing, ironing and putting away, buying groceries, cooking, vacuuming, paying the bills, cleaning the bathrooms, washing the kitchen floor, cleaning the oven, making sure there is nothing mouldy lurking at the back of the fridge, cutting the grass, going to the bottle bank, emptying the bin, remembering to brush your hair...and trying to look attractive and jolly at the end of the day, for a week or month or years and years!

i think if you love him, there is no reason why you should leave him. you have simply fallen into very traditional roles, and this isn't unusual (even in nearly 2009!). In fact, it suits a lot of families very well indeed, so is nothing to be ashamed of or alarmed about.

but at the moment, it isn't suiting you. partly because you are just plain exhausted - and you won't be so exhausted forever, so you will overcome that aspect of it.
but partly it sounds as if he isn't entirely happy with the situation either. i would guess that he hasn't totally got used to the change in roles since the dc came along. he perhaps feels left out, particularly as he isn't there all week while it is just you and the baby. and maybe he feels like you are always looking after the baby, rather than looking after him. you know, he isn't your first and only priority any more, and you don't keep his home quite as nice as you used to...?

i would guess you both still have a lot of adjusting to do, and it can take time. especially when you don't have seven days a week because it is all crushed into two at the weekends.

and then, you probably think every thursday/friday something along the lines of, "i'll make a nice meal, and it'll be lovely when he gets home, we'll play happy families, have a meaningful chat, actually enjoy each other this weekend"...then he gets in shattered, asks grumpily what's for tea, trips over the ironing, says a few choice words and a row breaks out. and it's just another anticlimax, and you both wish he'd stayed away!

or maybe i'm projecting

i think my point is, you aren't alone, but that won't make it any easier.

you do have the rough end of the deal here

but your dh probably thinks he has the rough end of the deal - he feels like he goes out at the crack of dawn on a monday, works hard all week away from his dw and dc, gets home late on a friday expecting fireworks and champagne and a stepford wife ready to provide whatever sexual pleasures he fancies (with a smile on her face)...and he gets a house that doesn't look like an expensive hotel with a little fold in the end of the loo roll (actually i have a friend who actually does that!!), and a wife who maybe has a little sick over her shoulder, and who stays home all day and still hasn't ironed his shirts ready for him to take on Monday morning!!

so he feels the anticlimax at exactly the same point you do, but he's a man, so he doesn't try to disguise it - he just gets grumpy and it's all downhill (again) from there.

i know that doesn't really help - i just wanted you to know that people understand or misunderstand possibly...

really i just mean, don't even think about leaving if that isn't what you want...give it time...time for you both to get used to your new lives

escape · 08/12/2008 19:40

But with respect SS, what are you expecting?
basicaally you have told us that your DH treats you really pretty badly (surmised from your description) but, because of something that you have done in the past it's not a possibility to ask/shock him even into change?
what do you want?

escape · 08/12/2008 19:40

But with respect SS, what are you expecting?
basicaally you have told us that your DH treats you really pretty badly (surmised from your description) but, because of something that you have done in the past it's not a possibility to ask/shock him even into change?
what do you want?

mankymummy · 08/12/2008 19:40

right.

what do YOU want out of life?

never mind what you want out of the relationship because he obviously dictates what you will get out of it...

TheSeriousSanta · 08/12/2008 19:43

fourkidsmum you just summed up my life so well, I'm crying.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 08/12/2008 19:43

I don't know what to suggest, honestly. You need to sort things out, but I would find even one of your problems very hard to cope with.

Frankly, even if you sat on your arse and watched TV all day, you would deserve more respect! He gets time off in the week, you don't.

It sounds like you are stuck in a pattern of interaction where he is the parent and you are the child. He disapproves, he judges (I bet his parents were lovely).

TheSeriousSanta · 08/12/2008 19:46

He totally feels like he has the rough end of the deal. Totally.

He thinks I have the easy option.

If I forget to do something during the week, pay a bill or whatever, he'll go mad.

But when I spend ages sorting his stuff out, it's just to be expected.

OP posts:
sticksantaupyourchimney · 08/12/2008 19:46

Oh, he understands perfectly well that you are not happy. But he doesn't give a fuck. He won't change - why should he? (ie, not that it is ethical or acceptable for him to regard himself as your owner, but if you won't leave him then he can cheerfully tune out your 'nagging' and carry on getting all his needs serviced by you).

dittany · 08/12/2008 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

warthog · 08/12/2008 19:50

serioussanta, i'm sorry to say that this is probably the worst thread i've read on the topic of dh's doing bugger all to help but expecting the world.

i DO think it's a good idea for you to leave the baby with him for a day. take the dog with you and visit friends or family. i think words are a waste of time. you've tried and he doesn't take it on board. other options are to simply stop doing things for him so he starts to appreciate what you do do.

as for the finances, that is pretty shocking. have you tried the old 'this is what a nanny costs, this is what a cleaner costs' line? you are entitled to half the assets now. you should be treated as an equal partner in your relationship. you're doing a VERY valuable job.

he would be seriously lost without you and it's about time he realised that.

i personally wouldn't put up with this and think it IS serious enough for an ultimatum. but of course, that decision is up to you.

TheSeriousSanta · 08/12/2008 19:51

Yes, I believe he does. And I believe he wants to 'ensure' it won't happen again.

But, then I think I'm being blamed for lots of things his Ex did too...

She NEVER did housework and expected him to come home every night and do his chores (which, ironically, included washing the floors)

I don't mind paying for my own sins, but I bloody well mind paying for hers.

But, as so many have said, I am in a position of non-power cos he knows I won't leave.

OP posts:
warthog · 08/12/2008 19:52

actually i agree with fourkidsmum. i think she has it spot on.

so where do we go from here? write a list of everything you do every day?

mrsmaidamess · 08/12/2008 19:53

Ensure 'what' won't happen again?

Why use domestic servitude as a punishment?

warthog · 08/12/2008 19:54

why are you being punished for his ex's sins???

TheSeriousSanta · 08/12/2008 19:54

I left him about two years ago.

Deeply regretted it and pretty much begged for forgiveness.

So there you have it.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 08/12/2008 19:54

What sins? What am I missing here?

I'm sorry, I don't think this makes any sense. He's really enjoying his position of power, he's really enjoying being a shit. What on earth did you do that merited this? (And honestly, I bet, whatever it was, he was happy you did it, because it gave him an excuse to treat you like this.)

Ah, could you get therapy on your own? I think you both need it, but you are possibly willing and able to get some?

warthog · 08/12/2008 19:56

i do think that he has power because you give it to him. very difficult pattern to break, but you can break it.

NotQuiteCockney · 08/12/2008 19:56

Was he like this before you left?

Why the hell did you come back?

What is so difficult about his life that he feels he has the rough end of the deal?

escape · 08/12/2008 19:56

why won't you leave?
are you seriously happy to put up with this - what can possibly be so bad for you to face?
Your baby barely has a father anyhow, so he's not going to know any different.

These questions are rhetorical, as I'm sure you won't tell us, but there is NO good enough reason why you are so beholden to him? Is there?

escape · 08/12/2008 19:58

sorry, slow at replying!

Are you saying then, that you are happy to live like this?
You wouldn't have posted if you were would you?

you wouldn't be the failure here

blinks · 08/12/2008 19:58

what was he like towards you before 'the incident'...

pooka · 08/12/2008 19:58

OK. You left (pre ds). You realised was a mistake and came back.

Has he done anything to address what contribution he might have had to your leaving before? I am presuming there were problems.

It is no life to be constantly attempting to attone for a "mistake". And I hate to say it, but people do change over time, and the fact that you left, realised was mistake then and then came back does not mean that you have given away any right to leave again if your own happiness is dependent on it. I am surprised that your dh has not realised this.