How do I deal with the inequality in our relationship?

[TheSeriousSanta]

My DH works away every week (leaved before 6am monday, back late Friday night).

We have a 6 month old son, so I have cared for DS alone since he was born. You don't need to be a mind reader to know I don't go out much at all during the week.

We also have a dog and he has two older kids.

Since DS was born, DH has spent many of the weekends at home in a grump, barely speaking. I thought things were getting better, but this week just gone was a bit of a nightmare. On Sunday, we ended up having a ig argument and DH told me that he was unhappy because I don't do enough around the house.

1. I look after DS single handedly and still do 99% of childcare on weekends (nappy changes, feeds, baths etc)
2. We have a dog and I do 100% walking, feeding, toileting etc.
3. I keep the house in a reasonable state (don't have cleaners) during the week.

DH doesn't think there should be any housework (and this includes larger / one off jobs like cleaning the cooker/ oven) nor should there be any ironing.

I have also gone back to work because DH is quite protective of 'his' money and I don't feel comfortable spending it.

FWIW, I help out ALOT with his DSDs when they ar here.

SO, after a horrid weekend, where we have barely spoken (other to argue) I am now in with a (very!) whingey baby who for whatever reason won't settle to anything and he's just called me to say he's off out to dinner and have a few drinks.

I know I'm having a massive rant, but it just feels like I get the rough end of the deal here, and it also feels like DH actually prefers being away to being home at the mo.

How do I try putting it right? I have tried talking to him but he either (i) blanks me (ii) tells me I'm ranting (iii) tells me I'm over egging the whole thing.

I just feel totally fed up with the whole thing and the baby is screaming AGAIN for the twentieth time today.

I wanted to come back because I missed and loved him. NO, he wasn't so bad beforehand, but I think he feels like he's testing me, and I won't fail him.

I suppose you are going to tell me I have to put up with it.

What dittany said.

SeriousSanta - hope you don't mind me asking, but is your DH from a different cultural background at all?

TheSeriousSanta

Now i am actually crying a bit too! I wish i could give you a great big hug

I'm sort of careful not to air my laundry on here...i am quite private. but i get comfort from reading other people's posts, and will offer support where i have experience.
but now i have to tell you, i do understand, because i did have your life (almost exactly - more dcs, more dogs, some cats and some horses and ponies, but other than that the same), for many many years. and it did get easier as the dcs got older, and as i accepted my lot - which i did fairly willingly, because for me it was a sort of deal - i wanted the traditional role, to be a homemaker and carer, for my own reasons (which don't need airing )

i didn't bargain for the lack of respect or understanding that came with it, the feeling that'd been 'bought' and was therefore now his property in some way...actually more like employee, but i chose to enjoy the benefits and live with the downsides. i never intended to leave. i had, after all, got what i'd always wanted.
and he wasn't cruel or terribly unkind...just...i wanted to be cherished...and we had created roles that we couldn't somehow undo. i guess very old fashioned rules really, that felt unfair when measured against my friends' marriages which felt more like emotional partnerships. whereas mine became practical. and i let it happen because i thought it would suit me.

and as the dcs got older - once they could all feed themselves, dress themselves, do up their own seatbelts when we went out etc - it did get easier. i promise.

also, i worked a little, for exactly the same reasons as you, and while it was very hard to fit it in on top of everything wlse, it did give me some kind of dignity...identity...it helped me maintain a little self respect. and it menat i could set aside a little money if i wanted some make-up or a particular top or something - ihad a little money of my own.

Sounds like he is leading he life of Riley (ie. completely taking the piss out of you). I'd want a big change in the dynamics of the relationship, so i'd instigate a very serious talk about it all. However, that's me. You have to think about what your wants/needs are and where your bottom line is, and go from there. Wishing you luck.

Could you maybe have a think of what it is about him that makes you love him and not want to "fail him". And then a list of what it is that he does that makes you sad/upset/feel a failure and so on.

The characteristics you have described do not make him sound especially lovable (understatement). And you sound like you are in his thrall rather than an equal partner in the marriage.

I am in no way saying that you should leave him. That is for you to decide. But it does seem like he is doing nothing to maintain or enhance your relationship, and surely at some point you will not be able to bend any more?

No, he's not, and he wanted to get married, not me (well him mostly, I WAS happy)

And, TBH< still am happy to call him my DH.

I am just tired of being stuck week on week alone while he's out and about but's it's my problem to have the house sorted.

TSS i don't know what to say

you DO need to do something because you won't be able to take this for much longer i don't think.

just because you left 2 years ago, begged forgiveness and went back does not mean that it can be held over you forever.

stay strong

ok, i think i have more...but i need to think a little and, as it happens, put a few dcs to bed. I will come back and see if you are still here in a bit

hugs

He's a shit. He doesn't deserve any of the guilt feelings he has programmed into you. He has groomed you as his punchbag and you do not owe him a life sentence of slavery. No wonder all his previous partners left him.

Seriously: this man is taking major advantage of you and psychologically abusing you. DOn't let him get away with it any longer. Tell him if he doesn't shape up, you're going to leave him. What;s the worst he can do? (NB if the answer is 'beat you up' then you really need to leave him).

OK then, practical solutions.

You freelance? I do too. About 8 hours a week(ish).

What I have done is chuck money at the situation, so that my earnings cover (with a little left over) a cleaner and a childminder for 8 hours a week.

If I choose to work when ds is at childminder, I can. If however, I choose to do other stuff (potter, bigger household stuff, whatever), then I do that during the day and do the work in the evening. It does mean that I get 2 chunks of 4 hours a week childfree and te basic cleaning and ironing is outsourced).

DS is older than your ds ( started going to the CM at about 14 months). And I have equal access to our joint account and no qualms about using the pooled money for things for me.

But I would put it to your dh that the freelance work you do is important to you, and that the time you spend doing that should be offset by getting cleaner/ironer to lessen your burden.

I used to commute weekly. If I could get out of the house by 4am Monday, I could miss most of the traffic on the Orbital Car Park and walk to the flat on Monday lunchtime for a short kip. But I was grumpy all Monday with the 40 people I was supposed to be managing and they collectively decided never to talk to me about work problems until Tuesdays.

By Thursday I was missing home, and was grumpy on Friday because of wanting to get out early and round the Orbital Car Park again - then dashed home nonstop, where I was completely useless until Saturday. And on Sunday I was grumpy because of thinking of the next week, all the work I had in the briefcase and hadn't looked at, and having to go to bed early for that 4am start.

Could I replace that lightbulb, please? AAAArgh it's been out since ... and there's only an hour before the end of the weekend and ...

It's those small things that get you down. For a while there was a relief from domesticity for Mon-Thursday, but then I was guilty about not being at home, not being any use at the domestic things, and just being generally grumpy all the time at work as well as at home.

After one relaxing weekend away, which happened to be close to work, we had planned to send DW, DS home on the train, but by afternoon Sunday, the four hours drive home, and the 4am start seemed worth it for an evening (2hrs) at home. Which triggered a serious jobsearch for something more sensible.

So I certainly recognise the rows, the exhaustion, the recriminations etc. We survived with 15 mins on the phone every evening, just to unburden with the problems of the day: DW tried very hard never to say there was something un-copable-with until the weekend and to give a couple of days notice for things which really needed doing.

Good luck.

Cleaner not for 8 hours a week (nowhere near) - childminder for 8 hours.

(i) He is not a shit
(ii) He hasn't programmed anything into me.
(iii) He is not abusing me.

He is hurt because of something that I did, something for which I am truly sorry.

I want to put things right.
I will not, unless he forces it, leave him.

Just for record, he would NEVER beat me or anyone else.

I am trying hard to think of something concrete to suggest.
the first thing I would say is that you have to get past the things that happened trwo years ago, you have to put it behind you or you will be unhappy for the rest of your life and that is a total fucking waste and (to be brutal) you are also not doing your children any favours. is this really the family life you want for them? is this the role modelyou want to give them for a married and family life? are you being the mother you want to be, the mother they deserve?
if you want to sacrifice your happiness for your sins, then that is your choice, although it is a stupid choice (sorry) because it isn't making him happy either and you only get a really short time on the earth and it is criminal, criminal to waste it like this.

but if you won't take any notice of your own needs, or protect your own mental health then think aboutyour children.

if you want to change things then you have to start with sorting things out with your dh. get him to get over this hurdle and have some empathy with you and start rebuilding your marriage.

because it is on its last legs, tbh. marriage is a partnership, a loving partnership. at the moment your marriage is just a miserable cohabitation.

sorry to be so brutal. but I think you have to get a bit of a grip before it is too late and your self esteem is all shot.

You sound depressed to me. I don't mean that you're making a fuss over nothing, far from it, it's just that when you're depressed everything seems insurmountable and guilt appears from nowhere (for me anyway). Do you think you might be depressed?

If he is so unhappy with the current arrangement, and thinks he has the worst deal, would he try to find work closer to home?

You sound like you think he can't be abusive if he isn't violent. Do you think that?

How much do you think you should pay for a past mistake? If you think you should, then you should pay up. I don't know what you want from MN; we're never going to agree that you 'deserve' your current treatment, because you simply don't.

Whatever you may have done, his behaviour is worse. He is milking whatever minor sin you committed, exploiting and abusing you and has been doing so for two years.
He is a shit. He has no good points. He is a selfish bully who has seen the opportunity to enslave another human being and has taken it.

NO, NQC... No he wouldn't

So he feels the current situation sucks - and the solution is for you to do ironing, too?

There aren't enough faces in the world.

What on earth was your childhood like, that you think this is even vaguely tolerable?

Do you want your DS to grow up to act like your DH? Or like you?

Ok just to clarify there are different forms of abuse which are not physical.

A relationship is about trust, forgiveness, love and respect. Think carefully as to whether your relationship in its current mode has these four elements. A happy healthy relationship will have a good balance of these which will ensure that both parties are happy with their 'roles' and with each other.
A relationship is also a partnership. You should feel comfortable enough to be able to ask your dh pretty much anything and feel that he will in turn feel able to answer you honestly and also alleviate your concerns and worrys.

Clearly you need to move forward and have found yourself in a position whereby you feel guilty for your previous actions. He in turn (in your opinon) is testing you to make sure that you wont do the same to him again, but you cannot have a stable healthy relationship on 'testing' and foreverlasting making up for your 'wrong doings'.
You are human and we all make mistakes. What your dh and you need to do is learn from those mistakes and move on. Trust and respect seem the biggest issues here which you need to work through.
Can you write it down in letter to explain how this makes you feel?