How do I deal with the inequality in our relationship?

[TheSeriousSanta]

My DH works away every week (leaved before 6am monday, back late Friday night).

We have a 6 month old son, so I have cared for DS alone since he was born. You don't need to be a mind reader to know I don't go out much at all during the week.

We also have a dog and he has two older kids.

Since DS was born, DH has spent many of the weekends at home in a grump, barely speaking. I thought things were getting better, but this week just gone was a bit of a nightmare. On Sunday, we ended up having a ig argument and DH told me that he was unhappy because I don't do enough around the house.

1. I look after DS single handedly and still do 99% of childcare on weekends (nappy changes, feeds, baths etc)
2. We have a dog and I do 100% walking, feeding, toileting etc.
3. I keep the house in a reasonable state (don't have cleaners) during the week.

DH doesn't think there should be any housework (and this includes larger / one off jobs like cleaning the cooker/ oven) nor should there be any ironing.

I have also gone back to work because DH is quite protective of 'his' money and I don't feel comfortable spending it.

FWIW, I help out ALOT with his DSDs when they ar here.

SO, after a horrid weekend, where we have barely spoken (other to argue) I am now in with a (very!) whingey baby who for whatever reason won't settle to anything and he's just called me to say he's off out to dinner and have a few drinks.

I know I'm having a massive rant, but it just feels like I get the rough end of the deal here, and it also feels like DH actually prefers being away to being home at the mo.

How do I try putting it right? I have tried talking to him but he either (i) blanks me (ii) tells me I'm ranting (iii) tells me I'm over egging the whole thing.

I just feel totally fed up with the whole thing and the baby is screaming AGAIN for the twentieth time today.

What I mean is not that you cannot construcly criticise religions but the generalisation and assumption that because she is a catholic she is submissive is definitely not constructive. I am a muslim and the amount of times I have heard such sillyness about my own religion is very frustrating and yes,quite
offensive. Do you honestly think that only religious people can have a abusive/submissive relatioship? Think again, there is plenty of people who do not believe in anything and live far worse abusive/submissive relationships than OP.

The last comment is not in anyway meant for the OP to feel her situation is ideal BTW.

Supposed to be "constructively criticise"

"What I've noticed on Mumsnet is that it's often women in rich marriages who end up being squished into the submissive role"

there may be some truth in that - to some extent. although i wouldn't like to presume it isn't the case in less well off marriages as well.

to some extent, the reason for this is probably that in a relationship with a fair amount of money coming in, it is more often possible for the dw to choose to be a sahm. and just sometimes she finds later, not that her husband sees her as an upaid servant, but that she does the job well, keeping a nice home and bringing up weel-behaved kids, and he starts to expect it, rather than remembering to thank her for her input into the realtionship (like he would remember to do at work). occasionally its only when a judge hands over half their assets over to the exdw as her settlement in a divorce that he is truly reminded that her role is seen as equal by society!!

but it's fair to say that defining roles in a modern marriage is hard, particularly when the basic arrangement is the one that has gone on for centuries, ie he earns and she cares. negotiating how you divide up the evenings and weekends isn't necessarily easy, especially when a great deal of the things that need doing can be done more quickly and easily by the dw because she's better at them because she does them all the time!

imo most dws in this position wouldn't want to swap, and they don't want huge changes, and in most cases the don't mind doing everything - they just want their dh to recognise their efforts, show some appreciation and say thank you!!! they are not submissive at all, just under-appreciated.

and, in fact, there are a lot of dh's out there who would resesnt their wives' 'excessive spending' less if the dws remembered to appreciate their dh's efforts and thank them for working 60 hours a week a little more often!!

Isn't the main issue that TSS does not sound happy, and her DH doesn't sound happy either?

They have adopted modes of behaviour/a way of living that makes them both unhappy.

I think the role here is not really SAHP, because for most of us that doesn't include doing everything, just being the primary carer, and for the parent who works, or has the secondary parenting role it does not usually mean no childcare at all. I think it is the more old fashioned housewife set up, because to many of us this arrangement of father who goes to work and provides and does nothing else, is a set up that our parents or grandparents might have lived, but not one that we ourselves would expect. My parents live(d) much like this, my father worked moderately long hours, and came home in time to give us a goodnight kiss and to eat a nice meal. His part of the deal was to provide my mother with a drink, and to do the washing up, and I think she was quite happy with that. He gave her a fairly hefty allowance, and I think paid all the bills. She also worked a little, but I don't think that was ever for the money (although the few years she worked full time she did say to me how nice it was to have so much money). We always had a cleaner, and when we were small my mother had help too, although probably not when my elder siblings were small, as my father wasn't that successful at that point. I would not say that my mother was submissive (I have heard her described as formidable), but their relationship is certainly quite old fashioned. I think it has mostly worked for them, but it's not a model any of my generation have followed. The only time when my mothers values come to the surface is when any of us have had a conflict about work and our partners. My mother once really told off my SIL for complaining that my brother spent too much time at work (apparently this was a total no go area for complaining). My SIL was quite right, he did, and this was a sign of a failing relationship, but I guess that that's where my mother slipped into submission mode.

Sorry, wafling a bit there, I guess I'm just saying that this sort of traditional set up can work, but it has some fairly serious limitations, and I would have thought in a world where most couples do not subscribe to these tenets any more, there is less solidarity and comfort in the sisterhood of other mothers.

i'm not sure about most couples and the tenants they subscribe to...in my circle of peers, some dws work and some do not (all dhs do), some dhs take some reponsility for childcare, but many do not - or if they do it's rather cursary, and some dhs do some housework, but most do not - and even when there is a cleaner this does not mean that the dw does no housework - i don't think any of my friends are lucky enough to have a housekeeper cleaner every day or a cook!
as far as i can see there is nothing terribly abnormal about the area i live in, but it would seem that the majority subscibe to a less than equal set up in terms of domestic duties. however, for the record, i can't think of any women who appear to be being abused.

Coming late to the party, I have been quite shocked by many of TSS's posts.

TSS you have to look after yourself first, before you can look after anybody else including your child.

I think it is important that you establish financial security for yourself. Then you will not stay in a relationship for the wrong reasons. You need to have personal money imo, and if dh will not give this to you then I really think that you need to earn it for yourself. Is a few hours of freelance work enabling you to save so that you could leave if you had to? If not then perhaps you should work more. Dh needs to pay towards childcare.

This relationship is on shaky grounds and you should take into consideration that the statistical likelihood of a new father who works away all week being faithful is not particularly high.

Many of your comments have led me to think that your current relationship is emotionally abusive, as other posters have also mentioned. I know you won't welcome my post but I am hoping that if enough people say the same thing to you then you might start to look at things differently. I have been in an abusive relationship myself in the past and was unable to recognise it for what it was until several people told me what was going on.

hmmm, statistically you might be right about a dh who works away being unlikely to remain fathful...but then statistically that would be right about a dh who came home to his dw every night i believe.

mind you, i don't think the op said she had any worries on that front...so, in order to keep a voice of reason i would like to say for all to see that my dp (that isn't my exh - just to avoid any confusion!) also works at the other end of the country most weeks...and i am 100% confident that unfaithfulness is not something i will ever have to worry about. in fact, maybe i should add, for clarity, that all of the things that have been discussed as a result of a dp being absent all week are not inevitable.

i guess i also should add - well i just feel like adding really - that while my feeling is that the op is not in an abusive relationship, and it has sometimes felt a tiny bit abusive tbh the way she told over and over again that she is, i think if people truly believe that to be the case it is admirable that they feel can stand up and say so...i can see that if a woman is in a subtly abusive relationship, she might need it pointing out quite firmly.

I think both TSS and her DH are getting a crap deal at the moment. It's a horrid life when you are apart all week long and each adult is coping on his/her own with no support from Monday to Friday, and that makes both of them needy rather than giving by the weekend.

TSS needs some material support (cleaner at the very minimum) so that she doesn't have to care for her DS alone all week and then do all the chores and errands 7 days out of 7 as well. She will then have more availability for her DH at the weekend.

Anna, from the way you've expressed your post you seem to be saying that TSS should be outsourcing some housework so that she can be more available to perform tasks for her DH on weekends.

His complaints didn't seem to be about not having relaxed time together, but about her not performing to his standards.

Hiring a cleaner so that you can fluff cushions to your husband's content on weekends only reinforces the inequality that TSS is concerned by. It cements her role as a quasi-employee rather than a cherished partner.

So long as the emphasis is only on TSS making her DH happy and not both partners making the effort to nurture each other, then it is by definition an unequal relationship.

No, not to "perform tasks" (whatever you mean by that), just so that they can be available for one another.

When two partners don't see each other all week, they really need to have as few chores/errands as possible to do in the precious time they do have together. And when one partner in a couple works abroad all week, it is totally impossible to expect him/her to come home and do much in the way of chores/errands at the weekend.

The difficulties TSS and her DH are encountering are due to the time pressures on their being together - not to do with "submission" or "inequality". And, to some extent, it is possible to throw money at the problem of time - lots of chores/errands can be very effectively outsourced.

I think with that "outsourcing", the OP will still have the money problem related to it, unless she does find a friend who would be happy to help with getting her shopping for exemple.
TSS, have you got your family arround or a nice circle of friends who could give you a hand every now and then?

I think it is very important that TSS gets across to her DH that the cost of the cleaner has to come out of their household budget. Asking for favours from friends is just asking for trouble.

Trouble from friends or Husband?
TSS How was this week end?

Long-term trouble. If you prop yourself up in your relationship with props that (a) are invisible to the other party (b) don't owe you the favour, what happens when (as they inevitably will do) the props disappear? You will have postponed dealing with the problem which will be much more established by the point the props disappear.

What is so wrong with TSS and her DH needing some paid adult help, given that her DH is away all week and (quite justifiably) wants to relax in his family's (also relaxed) company at the weekend?

Nothing wrong in an ideal world... I really wish TSs would come back to the thread as I feel I am talking about her in her back.

Anna, TSS's DH isn't complaining about how much time they spend together as a couple, he's complaining about her perceived underperformance around the house that weekend:

"No, sorry, Anna, I disagree. THe problem this weekend is that we didn't have any guests, so the house was 'how I live in it' For I'd say 6-7 weeks before that, we've had house guests each weekend, so the house is JUST as he expects it.

The problem this weekend is I was looking forward to kicking my heels up and he was shocked.

THAT was the problem.

I CAN meet all the standards within my disposal... No-one is being OTT here, I just didn't (because it was just the two of us and I don't think it's required for just the two of us)

I'm really shocked at how many people seem to come to the conclusion I can't cope. It's nothing of the sort. I just didn't bother, cos I didn't think it mattered, and I got upset that he thought it did (matter)

Big deal."

Not presenting the house ready for guests and wanting to walk the dog together are the other two complaints listed. The only point in TSS hiring a cleaner would be to do less during the week so that she can devote more time to the house over the weekend. This isn't about free time together, not according to TSS's posts, it's about not meeting his standards and wanting to put her feet up for one weekend.

Surely all that means is that TSS's DH wanted to come home to a clean, tidy house and have his wife relaxed and available for some couply time?

Which IMO is perfectly reasonable. It is not OK to "welcome" your OH back after a week away at work and to expect him to put up with the mess of your week alone or, worse still, to do chores. If you haven't got time to get ready, you need to hire a cleaner or other help.

In all probability because like 99% of men it needs pointing out to them just quite how large a workload household chores and childcare are . It's not such a big deal.

dittany - so in your book a man who works abroad all week ought to have to clean the house at the weekend for his DW who has been at home all week?

I'd say yes they should have to clean the house if they aren't treating their stay at home wife as an equal.

She has to work remember, so that he can keep 'his money'.

From your posts Anna, it's as if you haven't read the OP at all. She didn't say a word about her DH wanting to spend more time with her or their kids. Her issue is with his criticism of the hard work she does etc, not to mention his bizarre issues with her dog.