How do I deal with the inequality in our relationship?

[TheSeriousSanta]

My DH works away every week (leaved before 6am monday, back late Friday night).

We have a 6 month old son, so I have cared for DS alone since he was born. You don't need to be a mind reader to know I don't go out much at all during the week.

We also have a dog and he has two older kids.

Since DS was born, DH has spent many of the weekends at home in a grump, barely speaking. I thought things were getting better, but this week just gone was a bit of a nightmare. On Sunday, we ended up having a ig argument and DH told me that he was unhappy because I don't do enough around the house.

1. I look after DS single handedly and still do 99% of childcare on weekends (nappy changes, feeds, baths etc)
2. We have a dog and I do 100% walking, feeding, toileting etc.
3. I keep the house in a reasonable state (don't have cleaners) during the week.

DH doesn't think there should be any housework (and this includes larger / one off jobs like cleaning the cooker/ oven) nor should there be any ironing.

I have also gone back to work because DH is quite protective of 'his' money and I don't feel comfortable spending it.

FWIW, I help out ALOT with his DSDs when they ar here.

SO, after a horrid weekend, where we have barely spoken (other to argue) I am now in with a (very!) whingey baby who for whatever reason won't settle to anything and he's just called me to say he's off out to dinner and have a few drinks.

I know I'm having a massive rant, but it just feels like I get the rough end of the deal here, and it also feels like DH actually prefers being away to being home at the mo.

How do I try putting it right? I have tried talking to him but he either (i) blanks me (ii) tells me I'm ranting (iii) tells me I'm over egging the whole thing.

I just feel totally fed up with the whole thing and the baby is screaming AGAIN for the twentieth time today.

Well he's behaving like a shit and you show a real lack of self esteem.

You sound like you think he can't be abusive if he isn't violent. Do you think that?

How much do you think you should pay for a past mistake? If you think you should, then you should pay up. I don't know what you want from MN; we're never going to agree that you 'deserve' your current treatment, because you simply don't.

Sorry, SS, but he does sound like a very selfish man.

do you have any family support?
I think you sound like you are at the end of your tether.
you won't be able to change things unless you can communicate your needs to your dh and know that he will listen.
if you can't and he won't, then nothing will change for the better, imo.

My dp once moaned about a meal I'd cooked for him so I didn't cook for him for a few days then he appreciated the effort I had gone to and he has never moaned again if he did I'd stop cooking for him.

So I'd just not do anything except the bare minimum for a week and see how bad he thinks that is after that I'd do a bit more and a bit more each week until he started to realise how much I used to do and how grateful he should have been. Also until he understands I don't HAVE to do it and it doesn't matter if it's not done and as it's not him whose doing it so he shouldn't complain.

As for the not feeling like you should share the money? Why is this? Marriage is about being in it together better or worse richer poorer so why should you be frugal while he goes out for drinks and dinner?

You are the mother of his child and should be treated as such not his skivvy/ slave.

I really feel for you and am not suprised you left already what suprises me is that you went back.

Btw you are being abused by him, I agree with tribpot and mrsleroy.

Ms leroyjethrogibs.

Your post makes so much sense.

I think I would like to write something like that.

I need to make him understand that it can't always be this way, but I think all the time that it wasn't, he really resented that.

What do your friends and family think of the situation? Do they see you during the week when DH is away? Mumsnet is brilliant for this kind of support but you also need some RL support too. This sort of abusive relationship often flourishes when there is no one else around to see what's going on.

i think whoever said that forgiveness is missing is right. there is only so long that DH can not forgive you for what you did. You are obviously sorry (I know i don't know what it was) and he does have to deal with this.

I know i'm not being much practical help, sorry about that

You are already trying your best working your hardest, he should be supporting you not critising, being a mother is the hardest job in the world. You don't deserve this.

TheSeriousSanta,

On a practical level, pooka's suggestion of getting some help is possibly a good one. One of those ironing services midweek might really help you out without costing you the earth?

now i'm going to tell you some things to make you laugh...and probably realise things could be worse

one morning, having been up with dc1 at 5amish, (husband was now working locally for a period) i got v militant - announced i was no longer getting back out of bed every morning in order to pour the milk on his weetabix to save him 5 minutes. he was sooo put out at how unreasonable i was being

occasionally i would go to my local for a few glasses of wine with friends and neighbours, quite latish at about 9.30, 10pm. he would tell me i should be in by eleven. (said it disturbed him if i got in any later and he'd gone to bed - and he had to get up for work dontcha know). eventually i stopped making excuses and just told everyone that i had to go, and why. in fact sometimes it was earlier because he had noted i hadn't made hm any sandwiches for his lunch the next day so must get in in time to that too.

likewise when i was late for school meetings etc, i stopped making excuses and told the truth - husband said it wasn't his job to look after dcs when they were awake because i was the primary carer, so i couldn't get out any earlier.

lol, am feeling a bit ed at myself!!
but you have to understand, he isn't a bad man, and evil tyrant. he provided well for his family, and did what he considered to be his bit...what his dad did. and i let him - and that's the point i need to make i think. you need to forgive yourself. you had every right to leave him, but when he agreed to take you back, his part of the deal should have been to put the past behind you both. he needs to forgive you too. otherwise your relationship can't move on in any healthy way.
and it might be that you have to explain to him that you are still sorry every day for what happened in the past. and that you begged to come back because you loved him so much. and that you still do. but that you are not happy, and you need him to leave the past behind and work together on a future together.
i know that sounds glib and you're probably thinking "it isn't as simple as that though " and it isn't that simple, but if you can't create a happier relationship, your dc will grow up thinking that men do nothing round the house but complain to their woman, and women do nothing but childcareing, housework, and doing as they are told. this is v unhealthy for your dc whether it is dd or ds. (back to my dcs father doing just what his father did)

And, it doesn't matter what you did in the past, or why, you have every right and need to be happy.

on a practical level again, i agree that writing a letter is a very good idea. it might help you clarify how you feel, but possibly more importantly it will give him time to do his manly mulling over stuff. he won't feel put on the spot or cornered, but will have time to calm down if he needs to, and to consider his perspective on things.
you could even do it by email when he is away, and suggest he answers the points you raise in a different colour and sends it back for you to do the same, until you reach a point of understanding.
but this will only help if you both want to reach that point of understanding. so he probably has to realise how serious this is for you.

i may have stopped being helpful and started waffling so will stop...

but can i just say one more thing...for future reference?

if somewhere way down the line you decide you have done your very very best to repair your marriage, but it is too broken to do so, you can leave.

So he might hate you, and his family might hate you, maybe even yours will for a bit, and some of your friends will take sides, and you think maybe people will say "oh, he should never have taken her back - look she's gone and done it again."

but your family will still love you, and your real friends will support you, and you will slowly regain self respect and self confidence, and you will rebuild your life and be happy with your dc(s).

i'm not in any way suggesting you should leave, you understand, i'm just saying you could. at the moment he is driving you away rather than holding you close, and if you can't make him understand that, he could conceivably succeed and if it comes to that you must not take the blame for it and carry yet more guilt.

Oh santa....I feel so sad for you feeling so unhappy.

Having your dh working away adds alot of strain on the best of relationships let alone how he treats you.
I think you are a very brave lady and respect you for wanting to make it work. Your dh needs to think about whats really important in life and having an ironed shirt is certainly not going to make him happy. It's having cherished moments together with the little time you get at the weekends.

You need to ask yourself if you really think if baby was settled,everything was spick and span and 'just perfect' for him would he be happy? I'm thinking the answer will be 'no'. Are you always going to 'have to' strive for this?

Loving someone is about giving of yourself - not taking of the other person.

Message withdrawn

SS, if you had a daughter, how would you feel if she was treated this way?

How would you feel if your ds grows up to be a controlling, misogynistic person like his daddy?

Don't put up with this any longer.

You are in such a weak position. You have subjugated yourself out of some misplaced sense of guilt and he holds all the cards.

Take positive steps to get out of the situation, even if you feel you cannot leave him straightaway.

Be careful though, because he won't like it if the worm starts to turn and his nastiness may escalate if he feels you are slipping out of his control. Just a thought.

Good post Dittany. FWIW my dad used to work away from home, a lot. When he got home at the weekends he rolled up his sleeves and got stuck in. But then my dad is lovely and my mum is not a door mat.

Your DH should forgive you and you need to forgive yourself. Can you spend the rest of your life being punished like this?

Dittany's posts are (mostly) brilliant. Very wise person. Listen to her.

TheSeriousSanta,

it feels like people are being horrible to you and judging you but i truly don't think anyone means it that way. (I certainly don't!) i think it's tough-love or something!!!

you are not a doormat, or in fact imo being abused. you are simply an unhappy family with a new baby and some tough times behnd them that are struggling to pull everything back together. which i undoubtedly made a hundred times harder by your dh working away all week, and your feelings of guilt and the need to make things right.

i'm not often a big fan of counselling, but, having given this some consideration, i honestly think that you should consider spending your earnings on some counselling where you can really talk this stuff through without having to put on a brave face or fear judgement. not couples counselling - counselling for you. to help you feel better. when you feel better, with more self esteem and less guilt, you'll be in a stronger position to tackle your marriage.

It really sounds to me like you feel like you deserve this, and that you're not willing to actually do anything to force him to see that he's being utterly unreasonable. It doesn't even sound like you have any sort of communication going on in your relationship, and IMO (and experience with parents) a relationship without communication is just 2 strangers sharing a house.

Yes you need to explain yourself properly, but there's a good chance he'll still think you're overreacting or whatever, so I really think you need to be prepared to do something. If you're not prepared to leave, you need to be prepared to down tools and only do stuff for you and your DC to make him see just what wouldn't get done.

Your posts make me very sad and definitely give me the impression that you have no self respect. (Although I have great respect for you if you can look after a 6 month old, clean the house and do work!)

santa - you cannot change his behaviour, his attitudes or the way he treat you. you can't make him understand. the only person you can change is yourself

you need to change how you behave, what you say and do and how you think. it might change your marriage, but it might not

please go for marriage counselling yourself - you don't have to go with your DH.

your unhappiness is not going to just go away. your son is only going to get more demanding , your house will get messier and you will get more tired. please get soem help now

I agree with fourkidsmum, you need to sort out your own feelings, so that you can let go of your previous misdemeanor. My dh had an affair (and spent lots of our money) a few years ago. We had (as you can imagine) some torrid times. In getting back together (we separated for about two years) we had to make a new start. That meant acknowledging the reasons why things had gone so badly wrong before, accepting that the affair had happened, forgiving each other, and recommitting. It is a new relationship that just happens to have a lot of history. It was as important for dh to forgive himself as for me to forgive him. Otherwise you don't move on, your relationship is continually dragged back to the past, and you both have something to (metaphorically) hit each other with. That is not healthy for the relationship, and it is also not healthy for either party.

So it is quite possible that you are getting on so badly with your dh because you are both unhappy. You are both caught in a vicious circle here, I would suspect that neither of you are enjoying weekends at all. I think you need a new compact, and to change your lives fairy fundamentally, otherwise you probably would all be better off apart.

You can try and do something about your own mental health, but you are not responsible for his.