How do I deal with the inequality in our relationship?

[TheSeriousSanta]

My DH works away every week (leaved before 6am monday, back late Friday night).

We have a 6 month old son, so I have cared for DS alone since he was born. You don't need to be a mind reader to know I don't go out much at all during the week.

We also have a dog and he has two older kids.

Since DS was born, DH has spent many of the weekends at home in a grump, barely speaking. I thought things were getting better, but this week just gone was a bit of a nightmare. On Sunday, we ended up having a ig argument and DH told me that he was unhappy because I don't do enough around the house.

1. I look after DS single handedly and still do 99% of childcare on weekends (nappy changes, feeds, baths etc)
2. We have a dog and I do 100% walking, feeding, toileting etc.
3. I keep the house in a reasonable state (don't have cleaners) during the week.

DH doesn't think there should be any housework (and this includes larger / one off jobs like cleaning the cooker/ oven) nor should there be any ironing.

I have also gone back to work because DH is quite protective of 'his' money and I don't feel comfortable spending it.

FWIW, I help out ALOT with his DSDs when they ar here.

SO, after a horrid weekend, where we have barely spoken (other to argue) I am now in with a (very!) whingey baby who for whatever reason won't settle to anything and he's just called me to say he's off out to dinner and have a few drinks.

I know I'm having a massive rant, but it just feels like I get the rough end of the deal here, and it also feels like DH actually prefers being away to being home at the mo.

How do I try putting it right? I have tried talking to him but he either (i) blanks me (ii) tells me I'm ranting (iii) tells me I'm over egging the whole thing.

I just feel totally fed up with the whole thing and the baby is screaming AGAIN for the twentieth time today.

Do you think that your dh was happy with the status quo prior to having your ds? I know he already has dc but it is quite typical for dads to react that way (although very hard for you to live with). If he was, then he could be attempting to continue your 'previous life', if that makes sense.

I think that you sound like a lovely stepmum, and that you have obviously made a huge contribution to your dh maintaining his relationship with his dc. It could be that he is finding it a) hard to adapt to the new baby, b) difficult in terms of his bereavement and c) is inadvertently (and probably unconsciously) attributing all of this stress and emotion to you and keeping his distance.

Do you think he know what you actually have to deal with, in practical terms? Could you list it (not to patronise him, but to make it clear what you are achieving as a virtual single parent)? If it makes you feel any better, my ds is nearly 5 and I STILL haven't managed to make it back to work, as juggling everything, with minimal input from his dad, is so hard, so I am really impressed with what you have achieved already!!

I think that the crux of this is that your dh appears to be keeping his distance, and the reasons for this are very complicated and emotive. In everyday terms, though, you can't do everything all alone... Having a small baby is amazingly hard work, however good they are! You also count in all of this, and your dh needs to know that he has to help you, both emotionally and practically. Tbh, I think that he may be using the "I'm away all week' argument to convey his unhappiness - I don't think that, however much you did (even the ironing!!), this will go away until he has dealt with what is bothering him.

You know him best - maybe direct confrontation or suggestions of counselling are not the answer. What about a night away on your own, or even a day out alone? Do you have family that could look after your ds for you so you can have some alone time?

Fwiw, you seem to be managing brilliantly in very hard circumstances, give yourself a pat on the back .

TheSeriousSanta,

i just wanted to tell you that I have I thought about you today.

i have been feeling sorry that i couldn't give you any practical advice

but i think you sound pretty strong...like you will sort it out in a way that suits you. i admire your apparent strength and determination. in fact, i sort of get the point of your post i think...sometimes a reality check can be useful - a sort of 'other people will think this isn't normal or acceptable won't they?' moment, just to check maybe?

anyway, you will come back won't you, if you need to?

TSS: a 'good man/good father' does not spend his time bullying and belittling the other people in the house. A good person does not enslave another and constantly criticize him/her. A good partner makes you feel happy and good about yourself, not guilty and terrified and walking on eggshells and exhausted.
Your partner is a shit. Whatever he tells you about how wonderful and how much better than you deserve he is, he's a shit.

Really, StickSanta, what's the point of that post? There's no advice, or guidance, or help. Not even a relevant opinion - you can't possibly know my DH from what's I've posted when even I acknowledged I was 'having a massive rant'.

It's really not helpful at all... And actually makes me wonder if you are simply trying to make yourself feel better by making me feel bad.

Fourkidsmum - thanks...

Can you chat to him about how hard it is to look after baby/house etc and that you know that he feels he's getting the rough end, that you feel the same.

Its worth pointing out, that it really does get easier as they get older and to try and look upon this as a phase (that we all have to endure).

I would mention how you feel about the money as well and just generally try and be kinder to each other without turning it into a competition about who's had the worst time.

Try a big smile when he comes home from work even if you don't feel like it, I know it won't solve anything but its a start....

Good luck, its always tough ime when they are small.

Serioussanta: everything you have posted about your partner suggests that he is an abusive selfish bully who has bullied you into accepting his mistreatment of you by convincing you that you deserve no better. It's classic abuser behaviour.
I was simply hoping that pointing out the truth often enough might have some effect.

WHy not? I totally don't get it? I DON'T MIND him going away to work. No problem with it at all. I am not so flippin' useless that I can't cope. FGS, it's not the 50s where we 'need' a man to change a light bulb!!!

I suppose what you are all missing is a posted when in a very bad mood (And, AGAIN Even I pointed out that I was having a massive rant)... We'd had a bad weekend and I needed to vent.

I am not and have not said that this is the sum total of my life.

I appreciate the kick. I've already said that too. So best just leave it now, yes?

There is a HUGE difference between my DH working away / not taking paternity leave etc., and him not being happy when he's at home.

To try and link the two is meaningless because you are negating how I feel about this.

And, Dittany... I'm sure you are a step child yourself, so you should get this: My DH has 3 children. Not one.

He has responsibilities to all of them. Court ordered financial responsibilities to two of them (met fully and often exceeded). It's lame beyond all reason to call his behaviour in relation to his DS. His two DDs need him too.

can i just say - in general rather than to anyone in particular - that i don't think it is possible to judge that someone isn't a good man or a good father because they leave the care of their children totally to their dw.

if both parties agree that they will divide responsibility for the home/family/earning that way, and it works for them, then there is not an inherent problem with the arrangement.
Particularly if the father works long hours, to provide well for his family, and the mother is better at childcare!
it might not be very "modern," but it can mean that everyone knows exactly what is expected of them, and can work if everyone is happy with it.

I would also like to say, that from my point of view that isn't the ideal set-up - my ddddp (that's darling, darling, darling, darling partner!) and i share everything, and I much prefer it this way and love the fact that he wants to be involved and sees us as an equal partnership, but that doesn't mean I think our arrangement is best...horses for courses etc?

SUrely, it's less modern to assume a woman 'must' have a bloke around or she won't cope (or he's not a good dad)

That sounds really out dated to me.

Agree, though, fourkidsmum... Horses for courses. You have been a real help to me over the last few days. thank you.

Agree totally 4kidsmum. Each situation is individual and will work if it suits both parties, but might be hated by the next couple. My ex-h was pretty good about the house and shared childcare - however, could not hold down a job and was violent. This obviously did not suit me! My dp now is less good with housework/children, but works hard and is loving, caring, laid back and fun. This works for me much better.

I suspect TSS you just wanted a rant, but really don't want to change anything. Is this true?

I understand if it is btw. Sometimes you just need to let off steam.

hehe i think it's definitely easier to cope without a man around if the man around isn't the right man...iyswim...i've even confused myself ..but that can be easily done

and TheSeriousSanta, you are very welcome

Maybe i should thank you...funnily enough it's been kind of useful for me 'talking' to you. helped me unload a bit of baggage i was still carrying around i think.

Friendless. Thanks, sorry to hear about your violent ex H.

Yes, there are a few little things I'd like to change... but largely I am in fact very happy with DH. I did just need to let off steam and my main objective was to just get a reality check that I wasn't been unreasonable IYSWIM.

That's it really.

I appreciate people are going to post on the basis of what I've said, which is fine, but I don't get when a bit more is explained, people still need to make such sweeping 'this is good, that is bad' statements. Life (as well know) just isn't like that.

Friendless. Thanks, sorry to hear about your violent ex H.

Yes, there are a few little things I'd like to change... but largely I am in fact very happy with DH. I did just need to let off steam and my main objective was to just get a reality check that I wasn't been unreasonable IYSWIM.

That's it really.

I appreciate people are going to post on the basis of what I've said, which is fine, but I don't get when a bit more is explained, people still need to make such sweeping 'this is good, that is bad' statements. Life (as well know) just isn't like that.

Hi Serious

I have only skim-read the thread, but I would say that your DH is putting too few resources at your disposal for the output he is expecting (and feels entitled to). You don't have enough time, energy or money to run your house and look after your DS to the standards he wants (and maybe you want too?).

If he wants to relax and play all weekend, he needs to give you £££ for a cleaner and some childcare. That is it, really. You also deserve some time to yourself during the week, btw - being at home with a baby Mon-Fri with no partner to share stuff with in the evening is really tough. It may not be your DH's fault, but you still need some play time.

TheSeriousSanta,

reading the last few posts i just a had another little thought!!

do you think maybe what you need is something to break the pattern you've both got into at weekends? if so, do you think that a few days spent as a family, with a bit of fun and relaxation and lots of booze and pudding...ie Christmas, might be just the thing to do it - without you even trying??

It just occurred to me because i remembered something about my exh - whenever i looked back over a period that was similar to what you're describing, it became apparent that what the problem actually was - or at least, what was making the problem worse (in our case)- was that he was particularly tired or stressed at work. when circumstances outside the home got better for him, so did our home life - and it turned out it wasn't really much to do with me or my lack of domestic goddessliness at all!!
Obviously, you sort of know some of the reasons that you are having some bad days, but i thought maybe if the above were at all relevent, the Christmas break might just do you both the world of good (your first Christmas with the baby )

SS all I can say is that I would absolutely blow my stack at your DH if I found myself in your position. I just would find it an intolerable place to be.

If you can put up with the situation and find happiness in doing so, well, I am amazed at your inner resources (and I am not being sarcastic).

Fourkidsmum... I agree with you.

I think DH really struggles when there is nothing going on at home.

It's not to be forgotten that he lives in a very lovely 5* hotel all week (and has done for well over a year now). Most weekends (when we have plans) he comes home to order, but this last wekeend, I was looking forward to getting my feet up, so the place was messy as it usually is.

I really think my DH forgets that's how I live during the week. His life is perfectly ordered at all times.

My sister's DH used to live in 5 hotels during the week. He did get very used to doing absolutely f** all when he wasn't at the office.

My sister and her DH had conversations along the line of "Why can't I leave my socks on the floor - Hugo does?" "Hugo is 2." and "I don't clean lavatories - I have an MBA." "Well, I have a PhD."

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

OK, before some weird sort of comparison is made, my DH doesn't leave socks on the floor (or pants) and he doesn't leave dirty lavatories to be cleaned by someone else either.

There is a difference in expecting the house to look great when you walk in and just behaving like a child.

My DH is extremely neat and tidy. Extremely.

The details may be different, Serious, but the issue is the same: he is expecting standards of you that you cannot meet with the resources at your disposal...

IMHO, COMMUNICATION is the key! If it is difficult communicating with someone who ought to have your best interests at heart (because they deep-down desire to, not because they think they should), that needs to be worked on. If you can't have a conversation -or, more importantly, don't feel like it's possible to have a conversation, so don't try - with someone you love and who loves you, then that needs to change, irrespective of your situation. Whether you are happy/sad/lonely or whatever, the knowledge that you can talk to your dh should cause potential problems to never properly get going.

It concerns me most when you say that you try to talk (and this is how it comes across, so this may be inaccurate)but you are often faced with a deep unwillingness, from your dh, to compromise on anything regarding your situation. Even just being prepared to talk over some scenarios should not be beyond him.

I guess it's just me, but I can't understand selfishness-even if someone is unaware that they are being that way. Common decency and courtesy and regard are above issues such as the traditional role of wife and homemaker; it transcends who works and who looks after the baby (both parties should realise that the other is work and no more or less important then the other) and it shouldn't matter if you are strangers on the street or life partners...simple human kindness and empathy should always reasonably be expected and you cannot give people a reason to think they can get away with any less.

I don't want you to think I am trying to judge your particular situation, as I am not in the same position. However, I want you to realise that non of your past or present 'shortcomings' in your dh's eyes grant him permission to not just be nice! Now, I am not saying that he's horrible, mind. I am saying that you should feel that you can have this conversation with him and him alone; it's the only way of solving this and it's not too much to ask that you feel like your only port of call is anonymous busybodies on the internet-no matter how sympathetic they might be.

People's 'harsh' posts probably stem from the appearance that your dh is stubborn, selfish, uncompromising, lacking in empathy, uncommunicative and cold. They are worried about you and that can come across as seeming aggressive. It's frustration and sympathy and sadness, really. Not anger or disrespect.