How do I deal with the inequality in our relationship?

[TheSeriousSanta]

My DH works away every week (leaved before 6am monday, back late Friday night).

We have a 6 month old son, so I have cared for DS alone since he was born. You don't need to be a mind reader to know I don't go out much at all during the week.

We also have a dog and he has two older kids.

Since DS was born, DH has spent many of the weekends at home in a grump, barely speaking. I thought things were getting better, but this week just gone was a bit of a nightmare. On Sunday, we ended up having a ig argument and DH told me that he was unhappy because I don't do enough around the house.

1. I look after DS single handedly and still do 99% of childcare on weekends (nappy changes, feeds, baths etc)
2. We have a dog and I do 100% walking, feeding, toileting etc.
3. I keep the house in a reasonable state (don't have cleaners) during the week.

DH doesn't think there should be any housework (and this includes larger / one off jobs like cleaning the cooker/ oven) nor should there be any ironing.

I have also gone back to work because DH is quite protective of 'his' money and I don't feel comfortable spending it.

FWIW, I help out ALOT with his DSDs when they ar here.

SO, after a horrid weekend, where we have barely spoken (other to argue) I am now in with a (very!) whingey baby who for whatever reason won't settle to anything and he's just called me to say he's off out to dinner and have a few drinks.

I know I'm having a massive rant, but it just feels like I get the rough end of the deal here, and it also feels like DH actually prefers being away to being home at the mo.

How do I try putting it right? I have tried talking to him but he either (i) blanks me (ii) tells me I'm ranting (iii) tells me I'm over egging the whole thing.

I just feel totally fed up with the whole thing and the baby is screaming AGAIN for the twentieth time today.

Not read the thread - just responding to OP.

You seem to have lost touch with each other and probably resent each others roles, each thinking the other has it easy. It can't be easy for either of you but blaming will only make things worse. You bioth seem tobe working flat out but what you do is invisible to each other so you fill in the gaps. I think you need couple counselling - if that's possible on his hours.

Rereading TSS's posts it's not about coming home to a tip and wishing it was tidy. She has said that it wasn't especially prepared for guests but was as it is during the week. She's also said that she does cope and does a good job of running everything.

This isn't about him being expected to keep house in his downtime. TSS has stated that she doesn't ask or expect that. It's about him expecting to be treated like a guest. TSS is as entitled to a proper weekend as her DH is.

Any partner (of either sex) who has a partner who works abroad from Mon-Fri and expects him/her to come home to a less-than-pristine home and a warm welcome on a Friday is writing their own divorce petition. But any partner working abroad Mon-Fri who thinks their stay-at-home partner can do it all on his/her own is also writing their own divorce petition. Spending endless weeks apart is extremely stressful for marriages.

I have read TSS posts very closely - I just think that something else is going on here (that isn't nearly as bad as lots of posters make out).

I don't think TSS has an identical "weekend entitlement" actually. She gets 7 days at home a week and, theoretically, has a much more flexible schedule than her DH (though she needs some paid help to make use of this). Her DH is on a much tighter schedule with only 2 days a week at home, so he needs more slack than her.

Should TSS also pop the dog in a box all weekend? That would help keep things pristine.

Both DH and I have had periods of working away from home all week and returning home for the weekend. Neither of us expected to return to a museum. Tidy and welcoming is one thing - if it's pristine you're after, stick to a hotel or serviced apartment.

Anna, does it takes three people to run a home?

Man to earn money.
Woman to run the house. (and work part time as man won't share money)
Cleaner to make sure house is up to man's exacting standards.

Most homes are run well/ passably by one or two adults.

As for the warm welcome, the OP sounded like a very loving wife to me, and didn't give the impression she was being cold to him. Isn't he supposed to be equally warm and happy to see her though, and equally grateful for her work as she is for his?

He also has four nights each week during which he is free to do whatever he wishes without the demands of family life.

I think you have an equal relationship at the moment - equally crap that is.

I don't subscribe to the idea that her is abusing you, on what I've read so far. He?s unhappy obviously, and picking up on the obvious irritants, like messiness - just like we do

A cleaner might help, just once or twice a week.

Then you need to identify the weaknesses in the ways you are communicating ? is it a cycle ? he sulks, you bite, he accuses, you defend? One of you needs to take the adult role and take a step back to break the cycle ? even just a few weekends of relative calm may give you both the space to think and come up with a strategy to help each other. And don?t forget that?s what you are doing and it?s what you both want even if you are both sick of your lives and each other at the moment. If you are committed to him you have the time to do this, analyse behaviour and then change it.

As Martina Navratilova said in the jungle: Focus on the solution not the problem.

lol Dittany, that five star hotel sounds mighty nice doesn't it

No Morris, apparently all he's required to do is work abroad five days each week. That apparently lets him off the hook in terms of behaving like a reasonable human being.

Sorry, Morris - that was in response to your previous post

"He also has four nights each week during which he is free to do whatever he wishes without the demands of family life."

Why is this a good thing? If it was ypou would you not think you were missing out? Having to work away from home and your loved ones is not an easy option for many men and he is obvioulsy struggling. A change of job would be good but might not be possible. That will take planning. They need to discuss that when they are on better terms but they need to get on better terms first and stop resenting each other. Resentment is a path straight to the divorce court

Poins, it's a good thing and a bad thing. It's boring sometimes, quite liberating at others. It's also one reason, IMO, why Anna's assertion that he's more entitled to a weekend than TSS is false.

Speaking more generally, I have a friend whose XP worked 'away' on a four weeks on/ off basis, as did most of the XPs friends.

Every single one of them was either single or divorced, and I think that the lifestyle was what broke up my friend and her XP.

Having a relationship when one party works away from home for regular periods is the hardest pressure imaginable on a relationship. The most obvious aspect is that you aren't allowed to 'bother' him with problems when he comes home, as he wants to relax after all that hard work away from home.

My friend used to get my DP to do her heavy household 'mans jobs' because she was too embarrassed to ask her DP, and didn't want to ruin their precious time together by asking him to do stuff and potentially causing an argument. Ditto any other relationship issues they had - she never addressed them with him as they arose, because she didn't want to argue in their precious time.

Not saying that's the case here but I have heard of so many people with partners who work away who have split up. It is so hard.

I completely agree with that last post MorrisZapp. And that is why couples in that position need to buy in extra support (albeit material support with cleaning etc) as compared to a couple who see each other every night - since they have very little time together, it is crucial that that time be as stress free as possible.

I agree. It's just a crap situation work wise. Relationships work around intimacy and trust. Being apart works agaionst that. Do anything you can to make the time you have tohgether as stress free as poss - cleaner, whatever. And good for you for wanting to find a positive path through this. We're all only human and sometimes can be crap and unreasonable. Working through the crap times is actually what it means to be in a serious relationship, not ticking off a checklist of your partners flaws and leaving when some arbitrary red line has been crossed. Men are just as complex and vulnerable as us.

I have been lurking on this thread so far, but feel compelled to break out and agree with Anna.

It is indeed true that a raft of more fundamental issues may lay beneath the clean house argument, but if one partner is leaving the house extremely early on a Monday morning and not returning until late on a Friday night, if joint finances permit the use of a cleaner/ironing agency, it seems somewhat churlish to insist that said partner spends their weekend ironing. It is not unreasonable however to expect them to acknowledge their child and spend some time caring for it.

I think the issue is that the OP has lumbered herself with all the bad points of a modern and traditional relationship. She does all child care and household work, but also, it seems due to her reluctance to discuss money related issues with her DH, feels she needs to earn her own money in the evening.

The dog is a bit of a red herring ( or setter). I find it odd that people with a lot on their plate arbitrarily choose to be encumbered with yet more responsibility and time demands. Would be interesting to know who wanted the dog in the first place.

So anyway yes, cleaner, but they must pay for it jointly, otherwise it is pointless.

There's something that doesn't add up about this thread.

There are also some very judgemental people on here. And some balanced views as well.

V judgemental. I blame the marxists

Rookie, I believe the OP wanted the dog and enlisted the help of her stepchildren who were initially keen but are now less so. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I also recall the OP wanting another DC soon?

I totally agree that with some that there are other issues but possibly TSS is thinking these through in her own time rather than having them dissected on this thread.

I just cannot see how an additional child would change the scenario for the better. It is more than likely to cement the existing inequality.

This is for fourkidsmum. I hope you don't mind but I am using some of your wise comments and advice in this thread to put in a letter to my husband.

I showed this thread to my sister and she said that you could have been writing as me, if you know what I mean!

I just wanted to say thanks.