How do I deal with the inequality in our relationship?

[TheSeriousSanta]

My DH works away every week (leaved before 6am monday, back late Friday night).

We have a 6 month old son, so I have cared for DS alone since he was born. You don't need to be a mind reader to know I don't go out much at all during the week.

We also have a dog and he has two older kids.

Since DS was born, DH has spent many of the weekends at home in a grump, barely speaking. I thought things were getting better, but this week just gone was a bit of a nightmare. On Sunday, we ended up having a ig argument and DH told me that he was unhappy because I don't do enough around the house.

1. I look after DS single handedly and still do 99% of childcare on weekends (nappy changes, feeds, baths etc)
2. We have a dog and I do 100% walking, feeding, toileting etc.
3. I keep the house in a reasonable state (don't have cleaners) during the week.

DH doesn't think there should be any housework (and this includes larger / one off jobs like cleaning the cooker/ oven) nor should there be any ironing.

I have also gone back to work because DH is quite protective of 'his' money and I don't feel comfortable spending it.

FWIW, I help out ALOT with his DSDs when they ar here.

SO, after a horrid weekend, where we have barely spoken (other to argue) I am now in with a (very!) whingey baby who for whatever reason won't settle to anything and he's just called me to say he's off out to dinner and have a few drinks.

I know I'm having a massive rant, but it just feels like I get the rough end of the deal here, and it also feels like DH actually prefers being away to being home at the mo.

How do I try putting it right? I have tried talking to him but he either (i) blanks me (ii) tells me I'm ranting (iii) tells me I'm over egging the whole thing.

I just feel totally fed up with the whole thing and the baby is screaming AGAIN for the twentieth time today.

dittany, i think you are a very wise woman.

as are so many MNers

I agree that Dittany has some very wise things to say here. Santa, I'm sorry if I come across as a bit harsh, please believe that I'm angry on your behalf, not with you.

I have learned lots on MN too.

TSS, I hope that you don't feel any of these posts are direct attacks on you.

Some peoples situations just seem to strike a chord. Yours does.

I did think slartibartfast's post was well worth looking at.

If you love him - well, he doesn't sound happy either. It's odd that he won't talk about it. Miserable weekends are truly awful.

I do think counselling on your own is a good idea (if you can possibly find the time - maybe phone counselling, relate does that?) But make sure you tell him you are considering it and involve him in the decision - IME men (people?) absolutely hate it when women (people) seek support outside the relationship unless they know about it from start to finish.

what a frustrating thread

I would just like to thank everyone who took the time to reply. It is appreciated and I'm not at all offended - I post on MN enough to know what I was letting myself in for

I needed to get it off my chest and I needed to hear that it's not OK to continue.

I think I've aired and shared enough, but will re-read all the replies. Just wanted you to know that I will take on board what's been said.

TSS xx

So you might have 'done something' that you won't go into. If it was that bad the relation from his point of view would be over but if it wasn't - how much longer are you going to be made to suffer.

FFS - you do EVERYTHING including work. You will be ill and resentful. Think whether you are being punished. Being punished isn't part of a healthy relationship. You could do this and that to make him appreciate you more but if, in fact, he's punishing you, you'll only make him want to punish you more.

Watch your step and stand up for yourself.

CObblers. I don't think for a second he doesn't love me. Not one second.

I appreciate that you are going soley on what I posted and filling the rest out with what you think / your experiences, but it's not like that.

Do you really think I'd be here if it was that bad.

WHen I said I wouldn't consider leaving, it's that I won't use it as a weapon. I did before, and I deeply regretted it.

Of course, if were SOOOO bad, I would leave. But it would be a one shot deal.

What I meant was I'm not going to sit here and say 'You have to do X or Y or I am going to leave'

I am neither a martyr or self loathing

I think that TSS has already said more than she originally meant to.

Although it might help people to understand her actions (or lack of 'em) better and give more relevant advice. As TSS says, people are purely responding to what is posted and it sounds an awwwwwful lot more complicated than that.

TSS what love does your husband show you? How does he show his love for you? Not with respect, or taking care of you, or money...so how? (Honest question)

Exactly, Anyfucker (good name... )... I'm not going to go into the depths of my (very) long term relationship to have it picked over and criticised.

I wanted a bit of a kick, knew I'd get it from MN and did get it.

Surely, the fact I wanted to come back and I begged to come back means that any alternative was pretty fucking grim

My DH is a good man, a good father and a good husband. I love him and he loves me. We just have disparity right now...

He tihnks his life is harder and I think he has no idea

And, FWIW, I am not going to leave him

But I will take the other suggestions on board... Esp. what 4mum said.

TPL - I am not going to write a big long list of things that DH does, so that you can sit and go through them with a big red marker shouting 'wrong'..

He does. End of.

Agree with provinciallady- love is an action, not a feeling. What are his actions saying to you? I understand if you feel too hassled or judged here to reply fully btw- but I do hope you can clarify your thoughts and get some support out of posting here. I'm sure nobody wants you to feel unfairly criticized - we want you to be happy! (()) ps don't tell anyone I just did that

DP and I had a massive row last weekend which started about the housework. But he got very very nasty.

But it's never about the housework, or who does what around the house. It never is.

it's about how one communicates, imo. DP flies off the handle and it's his temper that a huge issue. He can't simply say, 'I hate it when xxx doesn't get done. How can we work this out...'

And part of the problem is that DP doesn't recognize that he has any responsibility for any of it - or a least didn't last weekend, when I tried to explain to him the error in his ways!

Anyway, DP did apologize, although we still need to have the talk about what he's going to do about his nasty streak.

Am not sure that he is capable of getting it under control.

Oh I didn't mean that you should list them here TSS. It was meant to be thought provoking for you - if he shows he loves you in other ways then great, though I would argue that showing basic respect is the foundation on which everything else stands.

You don't have to justify yourself to me or to anyone else but from the outside your situation and your mindset seem really, really grim and I am sorry for it

I hope you can find a way of getting him to see that things are very wrong and that they need to change. It must be worth giving a thought to what you will do if things don't change, not just for your sake but for your DC.

Santa - If you are who I think you are you gave me some advice a long time ago, when I needed some reassurance about my ds going to his dad's, when his dad provided absolutely nothing to make him welcome. From your (if it was you!) reply, you indicated that you always accepted your dsc and welcomed them as part of your family. Also, iirc, there may have been a bereavement on your dh's family's side, which I imagine he is still dealing with at the moment.

Your life and world is very complicated and it sounds like you are constantly juggling many balls. Again, iirc, your dh had to return to work fairly soon after your ds was born? If so, his life has probably continued, to some degree, much as it did before your ds was born.

I think that there are several issues here, which are manifesting themselves in discussions regarding housework etc. It is possible that your dh is not dealing with the arrival of your ds, and that you are aware of this deep down. I think you maybe need to have a frank discussion about how to proceed from here (not an ultimatum, but an acknowledgement that things cannot continue like this). If you carry on as you are you will run yourself into the ground. You need some support, this should be a really happy time for your family, and something is very obviously not right at the moment .

Apologies if I am completely confused!!

Fluffybubble - that's sounds like me.

My DSDs are welcome here 24/7 and, when they are, I will do anything I can to help. I wouldn't ever expect DH to do everything for DSDs. I just wouldn't.

The bereavement issue is a real one and was a bit problem. I thought we'd got over that, but maybe not. I don;t know how to deal with that, though, cos he won't talk to me about it and it's not really my bag to go on about, He knows I'm more than happy to go to the cemetry etc.,

Thanks for your post, though... very kind.

big problem - not bit problem...

And, yes, DH took zero leave for the birth of DS. It's always been me and DS at home and DH at work. (he works a long way away)