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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I stop being jealous?

130 replies

caroline18 · 21/03/2005 09:40

I have only recently realised how jealous a person i am. If i dont try to do something about it is going to wreak my relationship with my partner and it is driving me insane an him. Can anyone please give me some advice or tips on how to control it.

thanks
caroline18

OP posts:
Original poster
caroline18 · 21/03/2005 11:26

It is really making me feel depressed.
Mp says I am ill and is telling other people I am ill which is not very nice. Then I have people phoning me asking me if i am the jealous type? telling me i should go on antidepressants with my answer being i am not the one with the problem or am i? We have kids and it is not fair to them and for them to get upset.
Some advice please
Thanks c18

OP posts:
mummytosteven · 21/03/2005 11:28

what sort of things are happening/does your partner object to?

from what you've said it's not clear whether it is actually you with the problem - just that they way your partner seems to be talking behind your back makes me wonder about him.

Original poster
caroline18 · 22/03/2005 07:50

his attitude changed towards me his tone when i said this he said i was ill and needed help.
he came back from overseas from a project he was working on and showed me show photos but forgot to show me the other ones on the other disk of some girls well this totally cheesed me off and i said to him he said it was the girls that worked in hotel. i started thinking things. then our daughter show me a photo of one of the girls that had been sitting around the table on his phone well i went mad he said it had been the waiter trying out his new phone, he said i was ill and told people, i had one of his friends wife phone me up and ask me if i were the jealous type bearing in mind i never met this woman or talked to her ever before and told me i should go and see a doctor for some antidepressants i told her i wasnt going to see any doctor for the way he was with me.
i just find it hard to believe him i am reading too much into things he is very convincing

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lovemummy · 22/03/2005 08:33

Hi Caroline,having just read your thread it rang bells with me.I am currently having therapy, CBT which challenges the way you think.I was on anti depressants but decided to come off them as they made me feel numb.
When you said you were not going to take anti depressants for the way he was with you really struck a chrod with me as i feel my dh and in laws have the problem not me,it's how they treat me that causes me to think the way i do.
Does he not realise his actions are'nt helping they are only fuelling your worries.I go through things in my head over and over and think "is it me" am i mad? am i unreasonable and I don't think i am.
Do you have family or in laws nearby to talk to?
My parents died a few years ago and in laws unwilling to support me or talk about it.
My therapist is my only point of relief to discuss this
How old are your children?
Believe me it's not you going mad i think other people have to take responsibility in how they make other people feel and think.
You need support with this.
If he believes you are ill then he should sit down and find out what your fears are and try to put your mind at rest.

ggglimpopo · 22/03/2005 08:43

Message withdrawn

piffle · 22/03/2005 08:52

I used to be extremely jealous and insecure, but this all ended when I met dp
He is simply so trustworthy and open and honest - it doesn't occur
so while it can be a trait which needs and responds to therapy in its more severe kind, it also depends on your entire relationship.
The scenario you've given would have pissed me off too!

Original poster
caroline18 · 22/03/2005 09:01

hi all
I told him how i was feeling he told me that my head was making me feel this way way and he could not stop me thinking like this because he didnt know what to do but he was the one that behaviour to me was a little different he told me aunt i wasnt well i feel let down that he cannot support me and but these thoughts out of my head he told me that he would never do anything to hurt me but said if i ask him outright he would leave so i dont know where that leaves me that made matters worse to me i have 3 kids 13, 5, 2
years old.
he has got really cockey and confident which makes me feel worse about me

OP posts:
munz · 22/03/2005 09:02

well i'm not particually jelouse althou I do like to know which girls my DH is talking to, it's not that I mind, it's just i'd rather he be upfront about a girl at work than try to hide it from me, he seems to understand this and in turn I do the same about men in work. I think it's very unfair of what ur DP is doing to you. sound's like he's the one with the bigger problem here, have there been any instances on either side like this b4?

Original poster
caroline18 · 22/03/2005 09:02

oh when i mention photo on phone he deleted it

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Original poster
caroline18 · 22/03/2005 09:03

no other instances

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munz · 22/03/2005 09:09

what do u mean if u asked him outright?

SleepyJess · 22/03/2005 09:14

Caroline, I think he is trying to make you think you have a problem and is succeeding. I am wondering what his motives are.. what he might be trying hide (if anything). Maybe you are the 'jealous type'.. so? So are a great many of us, to some degree, when it comes our other halves..and an even higher percentage would have a few qualms about pics on mobiles with very iffy explanations!

And what's this about if you ask him outright he will leave? Ask him what..? If he is messing you around or to leave?? If it's the former he sounds like he is covering himself from all angles so as to not give you a leg to stand on and are 'powerless'.. and if its the latter... it sounds as if he is trying to make you responsilble for any negative outcome in the relationship.. (ie.. "She told me to leave... so I left!"

Another worrying tactic.. telling your friends/family that you are ill!!! That's the oldest trick in the book isn't it.. setting the scene for what he will later describe as you 'irrational behaviour'. And as for getting a woman who don't even know to phone you up and question you about your 'behaviour'.. , that's downright cruel..why would SHE even be willing to do this??! This would make me livid..and want to know what the hell was going on!.. I would not be able to contain myself over this and he would have to stick his ultimatums!

I don't think this situation is 'because you have a problem with jealousy'.. I think HE is causing this for reasons of his own. (Sorry if I'm wrong.. just don't like seeing people being manipulated.)

ggglimpopo · 22/03/2005 09:19

Message withdrawn

munz · 22/03/2005 09:21

er, sleepy jess has pretty much said what I was skirting around! i'm with her on it.

if it was my Dh thou i'd be crafty in asking the questions, only because if I ask him stuff outright he goes on the defensive so I say things like u'd never cheat on me would you, or such and such has been talking about a new girl in work, what's she like sort of thing, keeps it all casual but I get the answers i want without direct confrontation.

HappyDaddy · 22/03/2005 11:10

Hope you don't mind a man's point of view. To me, it sounds distinctly like he's hiding something and the way he's acting shows this. You are right to be worried but, about what he's doing not you. You sound completely fine. Is he usually the "stronger" of you, two? Does he usually make the family's decisions?

kama · 22/03/2005 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
caroline18 · 22/03/2005 11:21

He makes some of the decisions but i always have a input with this project i am not involved, he asked me what a could contributed to the project?When hes having a bad day i dont push him to one side. he has gone back over seas again but the week he was at home didnt spent 10mins having a cup of tea with me.i do try to be crafty in asking questions but he says my head playing tricks on me.The question i couldnt bring myself to ask was did he sleep with someone else? He sais if i ask him the question he would walk out the door.

OP posts:
Original poster
caroline18 · 22/03/2005 11:21

He makes some of the decisions but i always have a input with this project i am not involved, he asked me what a could contributed to the project?When hes having a bad day i dont push him to one side. he has gone back over seas again but the week he was at home didnt spent 10mins having a cup of tea with me.i do try to be crafty in asking questions but he says my head playing tricks on me.The question i couldnt bring myself to ask was did he sleep with someone else? He sais if i ask him the question he would walk out the door.

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HappyDaddy · 22/03/2005 11:23

Caroline, I'm afraid if he hadn't slept with someone he wouldn't threaten to leave. HE can't cope with YOU asking HIM questions, cos he knows he's guilty.
You can't go on like this, it's not fair on you or your child.

Original poster
caroline18 · 22/03/2005 11:24

oh yes another thing he has never worn chains or rings in his time with me which is 15 years and bought himself new ring and chain.

OP posts:
Original poster
caroline18 · 22/03/2005 11:26

you know when you just get that gut feeling something doesnt add up this was how i felt when he phoned me something wasnt right

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TheVillageIdiot · 22/03/2005 11:29

sorry but this all sounds very odd - who is the woman who asked if you were ill?

Original poster
caroline18 · 22/03/2005 11:30

i get from him would never do this to hurt you and the kids but there is always a first time. my head at the minute feels as if it is ready to explode and the night we had the arguement which i was in a right state he said ive some tablets out there i bring them in if you want to take them i said wouldnt give him the satisfaction in doing that to me
hope spelling is right

OP posts:
Original poster
caroline18 · 22/03/2005 11:31

the woman is the wife of my patners best friend w

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SleepyJess · 22/03/2005 11:32

Caroline, tell him he can't threaten you like that.. because it IS a threat. Tell him you are having no more of his head games.. because if anything is going on in your head, it's because he is playing mind games with you, trying to make you and others believe you are being irrational! Tell him you can see this now.. and that you will not be bullied by him saying he is about to walk out the door..and that if he could walk out about something which he should be able to see you are genuinely distressed over (and with good reason, thanks to him!), clearly having so little regard for your feelings,.. then he should just walk through it right now!

I agree with HappyDaddy, he seems to be hiding something.. which I know is probably not what you want to be acknowledging but you can't be living with him acting so suspiciously and trying to turn it around and make you feel as though you are the wrong. You definitely need some kind of straight talking to take place.. make him realise this if you can.

SJ x