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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm embarrassed to ask this and i've changed my name but i need some non judgey advice please.

199 replies

ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 21:09

Dp (soon to be dh) has a problem with anger. He is normally the nicest guy in the world but every few months he just snaps for no reason. Most recently was 2 days ago and unfortunately it was infront of his friends and collegues - hes a bar man. He knows he needs help, he admits he has a problem but we don't know how to get help for him. Where do we start? I don't want to live my life waiting for the next explosion and i know that he is a good man who can beat this. Any advice please?

OP posts:
PottyCock · 16/11/2008 21:11

counselling. would he be up for that?

PottyCock · 16/11/2008 21:12

you have my sympathy - this is a hard situation for you to be in. you can't take responsibility for srting him out though, you know that...

MeMySonAndI · 16/11/2008 21:12

Anger management workshop/course?

Miyazaki · 16/11/2008 21:13

what exactly does he do when he loses it?

PottyCock · 16/11/2008 21:13

there must be something at the bottom of this...that's why i say counselling. it's unlikey to be just an inability to 'express' properly iyswim.

PottyCock · 16/11/2008 21:14

you probably want to be confident hes taking steps to address this before you actually get hitched to him btw.

Sidge · 16/11/2008 21:15

His GP can refer him to appropriate services for anger management support.

Booboobedoo · 16/11/2008 21:15

COI: has he ever been violent towards you, or is it all verbal?

How soon is he to be your DH?

Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 21:19

I seem to have managed to duplicate this thread sorry. When he loses it he lashes out at me, he has been violent and i know that the obvious thing to do would be to leave him but i know that he is not a bad man. I know he wants to change and 99% of the time he is the best dp anyone could want. In the past he has lashed out at his parents before he moved in with me. Its never for any reason its like an invisable switch has been flicked. He would do councilling but how do we go about getting it?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 21:19

I seem to have managed to duplicate this thread sorry. When he loses it he lashes out at me, he has been violent and i know that the obvious thing to do would be to leave him but i know that he is not a bad man. I know he wants to change and 99% of the time he is the best dp anyone could want. In the past he has lashed out at his parents before he moved in with me. Its never for any reason its like an invisable switch has been flicked. He would do councilling but how do we go about getting it?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 21:22

I seem to have managed to duplicate this thread sorry. When he loses it he lashes out at me, he has been violent and i know that the obvious thing to do would be to leave him but i know that he is not a bad man. I know he wants to change and 99% of the time he is the best dp anyone could want. In the past he has lashed out at his parents before he moved in with me. Its never for any reason its like an invisable switch has been flicked. He would do councilling but how do we go about getting it?

OP posts:
SalVolatile · 16/11/2008 21:25

You need to go to your Gp as soon as possible about this. It would be wise to go slow on the wedding plans while he embarks on counselling as the added pressure may cause bigger problems later on. I apologise for saying this in advance, but you must be careful that your love for this man doesn't cause you to take a risk with your personal health and safety that you may regret later on. I do hope that he can get help - as I said, Gp is first stop, and stress the seriousness of the outbursts.

Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 21:32

I will ask him to make an appointment in the morning with the gp. I know he will have no problem doing this as he is desperate for help. We told his mum today as we knew it would get back to her as we all go to the same pub quiz and its the main topic of conversation with the regulars after friday night. He is usually so gentle and loving, and everyone is shocked at what they saw which makes me feel worse as i just know what they must be saying about us.

OP posts:
llareggub · 16/11/2008 21:42

You mention he is a barman. Does he drink a lot, would you say?

Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 22:10

He drinks alot less than he used to before i met him. There doesn't seem to be any link between him drinking and his melt downs (if there was wouldn't it happen everytime he drinks?) He had a drink on friday but less than he usually has. He has said it started happening when he was about 14, he'd just blow up every so often. I can always tell its coming by the look on his face and normally i can cool it down if we're at home. I'm wondering if it could be a chemical imbalance or something.

OP posts:
llareggub · 16/11/2008 22:19

It was just a thought. My DH supposedly started drinking less, but in fact he was drinking secretly. How much does he drink, you say less than he used to, but how much, exactly? Is it every day? Trouble is, when you work in the pub trade you have a very skewed view of what "normal" drinking is.

If it isn't alcohol, then I think it is something he needs to explore with a counsellor. You can see someone privately or get referred via the GP. Perhaps he could start there?

Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 22:31

I know he has a couple when he finishes work every day, more on a monday but he only really drinks alot on a sunday now but even then its only about 5 pints which as hes a big bloke doesn't really have much of an effect on him. He used to drink 3 times that a night until about a year ago and it seems to be worse the more he cuts down. I'm not scared of him but i'm scared of what hes capable of iykwim. I don't want to be a statistic and i honestly believe that he is a good man who can control this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 22:32

I know he has a couple when he finishes work every day, more on a monday but he only really drinks alot on a sunday now but even then its only about 5 pints which as hes a big bloke doesn't really have much of an effect on him. He used to drink 3 times that a night until about a year ago and it seems to be worse the more he cuts down. I'm not scared of him but i'm scared of what hes capable of iykwim. I don't want to be a statistic and i honestly believe that he is a good man who can control this.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 16/11/2008 22:38

If he is willing to seek help then that's a good thing - and also, the fact that he lost it in public is sort of hopeful in one way - men who are going to become domestic abusers are very often charming to everyone but the partners they are hurting: domestic abuse is far more controlled than some abusers claim (ie they are perfectly capable of keeping their tempers when in public but feel entitled to beat and bully and 'punish' their partners).
TBH the first step would be for him to stop drinking altogether as alcohol clearly compounds whatever the problem is.
GOod luc, ,but do think carefully before you marry this man. Even if he is a good bloke with mental health problems he can't help, that doesn't mean he's entitled to abuse you or anyone else.

llareggub · 16/11/2008 22:40

Ask yourself this: has he really cut down. I really hope for your sake that he has. But alcoholics (if he is one) are very, very skilled at hiding the extent of their drinking.

jasper · 16/11/2008 22:51

Does he hit you?

Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 22:53

He has promised me he wont be drinking tonight or for the rest of the week, i've never really asked him how much he drinks i'm just going on what i've noticed. I have told him that if it happens again i will leave him (but i've said that before) and he is devasted and ashamed of himself. Sometimes he doesn't properly remember what happened. Its not always when hes been drinking, i can't explain it. Maybe i'm fooling myself and everyone that experiences this believes their man is different, i just don't know

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 22:54

Yes, he has hit me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 22:55

Yes, he has hit me.

OP posts:
LittleBella · 16/11/2008 22:55

What happened when he lost it in public?

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