Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm embarrassed to ask this and i've changed my name but i need some non judgey advice please.

199 replies

ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 21:09

Dp (soon to be dh) has a problem with anger. He is normally the nicest guy in the world but every few months he just snaps for no reason. Most recently was 2 days ago and unfortunately it was infront of his friends and collegues - hes a bar man. He knows he needs help, he admits he has a problem but we don't know how to get help for him. Where do we start? I don't want to live my life waiting for the next explosion and i know that he is a good man who can beat this. Any advice please?

OP posts:
controlfreakyBANG · 18/11/2008 18:32

i dont think you are ready to acknowledge the truth of your situation..... but i hope you will be sometime soon and that you dont have to suffer a lot more abuse and violence before that time comes.

cheerfulvicky · 18/11/2008 21:47

Well put, cfB. OP, come back and read this thread when you are ready to - it will help you. Take care of yourself.

alleve · 18/11/2008 21:57

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

IME I would/did leave a partner who is violent the first time it happens. I would never have been able to trust him not to do it again. He also wanted us to get married.

You have had some great advice on here but only you know deep down what you want to do. If he really wants to get help for his outbursts then support him but wait before committing further to the relationship.

solidgoldbrass · 18/11/2008 22:05

Please bear in mind (and hold this thought) that MN is here for you whatever you choose to do right now. If he does sort himself out (ie stop drinking, acknowledge fully how wrong he has been to think he's entitled to beat you up, apologise fully and commit to changing) then people will be pleased for you. If it gets worse then don't feel that you can't come back and help because people will blame you for having hoped he would change. The support will be there and enough people will have themselves hung on to hope that a tosspot will change to be able to understand why you didn't kick him in the nuts straightaway.

Debra1981 · 18/11/2008 22:05

It seems as if it was the fact that the last outburst was in public that made you post... its telling of what he's already done to your self-worth if you are more bothered about public opinion about him than your own safety. I think the fact that his mask slipped was a fortunate thing if it means you are beginning to see him yourself for what he is. Clearly all previous has been in private- this is part of the control, and makes it harder to report.

Simplysally · 18/11/2008 22:22

CoI - I would advise that you get hold of a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book - "why does he do that?" as Bancroft discusses situations just like yours. Don't let your partner see you with it though as it might trigger another outburst and he is likely to accuse you of having the problem in the relationship.

Good luck.

ChangeOfIdentity · 18/11/2008 23:42

Thank you. I do want to give him a chance to change and i do want to support him. I appreciate having a support network especially as people in real life seem to see it as a joke (he is so popular and people that saw seem to think that i must have really wound him up to make him snap) and even his mother has asked only what people have said about him and hasn't once asked if i'm ok even though she knows about one of the previous occasions. I am thinking of letting him see this so he knows i am serious.

OP posts:
controlfreakyBANG · 18/11/2008 23:47

really? why would he not know you are serious without seeing that you have been baring your soul (and as he may think "talking about him behind his back" / betraying him) by showing him this? does he not take what you say to him seriously? dont you think showing him this may make him angry? you dont seem to have any sense of self preservation coi / clear boundaries.

ChangeOfIdentity · 18/11/2008 23:48

Incase anyone worries that he will react badly to reading this, he wont. He will be upset and cry rather than get angry because he will see how hurt i am by it all and also that other people know its not normal behaviour. Being one of the few (if not the only person) that he has talked to about this, it might do him good to see it in black and white and as a pattern of behaviour instead of individual incendences. It shocked me to see it like that and made me realise it was a bigger problem than i thought.

OP posts:
ChangeOfIdentity · 18/11/2008 23:48

Incase anyone worries that he will react badly to reading this, he wont. He will be upset and cry rather than get angry because he will see how hurt i am by it all and also that other people know its not normal behaviour. Being one of the few (if not the only person) that he has talked to about this, it might do him good to see it in black and white and as a pattern of behaviour instead of individual incendences. It shocked me to see it like that and made me realise it was a bigger problem than i thought.

OP posts:
ChangeOfIdentity · 18/11/2008 23:49

Sorry xposts

OP posts:
dittany · 18/11/2008 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 19/11/2008 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChangeOfIdentity · 19/11/2008 00:07

If you both think its a bad idea to show him this then i wont - afterall i'm not sure i trust my own judgement atm. There has never been any violence in my life prior to this. And like everyone else i've always said that if anyone raises their hand to me they'd be gone. I don't know why i didn't leave the first time, everyone thinks i'm so lucky and i do feel lucky most of the time. I was in shock i think and to proud and ashamed to tell anyone. Not that anyone would believe it of him.

OP posts:
dittany · 19/11/2008 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solidgoldbrass · 19/11/2008 00:17

Please, please, DON'T show him this thread. He will burst into tears. And then he will smash the computer. And then he will hit you again. The second two things may not happen immediately but they will happen. He will cast it up to you repeatedly that you told strangers about 'private things' ie that he is abusing you. And that you 'lied/exaggerated' (ie he thinks it's ok for him to abuse you and anyone who disagrees 'just doesn;t understand').

Abusers very, very often are 'popular' because they are bouncy and boisterous and amusing and quite often 'kind' ie they do favours for people (but they are noting it all down somewhere). One of the core things with an abuser is that nothing ie ever his fault. It's always about what someone else did, that the other person 'pushed me too far' or is so impossible that anyone would want to 'hit' them (ie beat them up and maybe even kill them).

Debra1981 · 19/11/2008 00:58

dittany, I think it's because there was a lack of violence in my life prior to my ex that I just didn't think about how to deal with it before it happened. My main point of reference WRT relationships and marriage, being my parents, who haved stayed together happily for many years, I was motivated by pride to try and copy this, assuming 'all couples have problems sometimes', with my situation worsening so gradually I couldn't see it from the inside either. Agree with the others keep this thread secret. He will use it against you, and claim strangers are poisoning you against him (it might even look like that to you right now). But he will blame you for looking at it. Abusers usually get worse over time, not better. Have a look at the Women's Aid website when you're sure he's not around. It has loads of info and advice about domestic violence.

ChangeOfIdentity · 19/11/2008 00:58

He is very much the life and soul, everyones best mate. He got home from work a while ago and we've talked a little. He says that he can remember the incidents happening as if he is watching himself, and can't remember afterwards exactly what hes done or said and that he knows it sounds like an excuse but its not. He said he is going to ask the doctor for help with domestic violence, its the first time hes really said the words. I use my mobile phone for this thread so there is no history on the pc.

OP posts:
ChangeOfIdentity · 19/11/2008 01:01

He is very much the life and soul, everyones best mate. He got home from work a while ago and we've talked a little. He says that he can remember the incidents happening as if he is watching himself, and can't remember afterwards exactly what hes done or said and that he knows it sounds like an excuse but its not. He said he is going to ask the doctor for help with domestic violence, its the first time hes really said the words. I use my mobile phone for this thread so there is no history on the pc.

OP posts:
dittany · 19/11/2008 01:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoremIpsum · 19/11/2008 01:19

COI, if you use your mobile for this then please, please wipe any trace and even think about locking your phone with a PIN. At the very least, keep it with you. Phones are so easy to check, and so very tempting to anyone with trust or control issues.

Consider one other thing. Delay the wedding until he has done all of the things he says he's going to do. Do not get married beforehand. If he is genuinely prepared to tackle this, then he will do it before you wed.

Even better, have him move out and spend some time on his own while he works on it. If he's really committed to fixing it, and to you, then he will happily take that step. If not, then I'm sorry, but all of these offers are just part of the abuse.

dittany · 19/11/2008 01:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skidoodle · 19/11/2008 07:25

ok let's accept his excuse of blind unconteollable violent rage

You are happy to let a man with this problem live with your children?

I think that is indefensible

The fact that you love a man with this problem does not justify making them grow up in a volatile, violent home and leaving them in the care of a live-in partner with anger issues

No matter what you believe of him it is clear he should not be living in the family home

cory · 19/11/2008 07:51

I am still concerned about your children CoI. You say you won't let them see any violence, but you also say that he lost it and attacked you because you teased him. What about when your children get older- can you rely on teenagers not to tease him or make him inferior, ever? No, you can't, that's what teenagers do. They still need to be safe in the knowledge that the adults around can cope with them.

I also think it is completely unrealistic to believe that they will be able to live in the same house and not know that you are afraid of being attacked. Children do know these things.

The problem is, it will affect their lives, not only as children but as adults, in the choices they make for their families.

If you have boys, then they will grow up thinking this is how men should behave. Their Dad will be their model, and if he treats you violently, then chances are they will think that he has a good reason for it, that women are inferior or, at the very least, that there is something wrong about you which justifies their Dad's behaviour. And when they get wives of their own, their attitude will transfer to them.

If you have girls, then you are their model for what happens in a relationship. If they see you putting up with violent behaviour, then they will think that's what they should do too. And chances are that they will when they are old enough to look for boyfriends of their own.

I understand that you love your partner and that he genuinely wants to change. The problem is that noone can change for him, he has to do it, and he has to do it so thoroughly that he will be absolutely guaranteed safe even around the rudest most piss-taking teenager in years to come. If not, then I am afraid you have a duty to your children that overrides even your love for him.

Like other posters, I get the feeling that alcohol is a big part of his problem. Some people do get very violent tendencies from drink. They need to stop drinking if they are serious about it, and move away from a drinking environment.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/11/2008 08:24

Oh COL

re your comment:-

"he even walks me to work and meets me after".

This is yet another red flag and he's a poor excuse for any kind of a father figure let alone partner as it is. He is violent, uses drink to excess and is controlling your every move.

I think you've been targetted to accept this poor treatment and you're in denial as to the full extent of his problems. These are not yours to solve; if he is serious about wanting to address these issues then he needs to do so without you being around him. There has to be no contact between the two of you whatsoever.

What's your role in this so called relationship - I see a woman who is desperately trying to get others to get involved, make him seek help. I see a frightened woman in denial.

You have a say ultimately - your children have no such choice. What they are doing currently is learning from the two of you - you are both teaching them damaging lessons.

Also many abusers can act and be completely plausible to others in the outside world; it is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

Swipe left for the next trending thread