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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm embarrassed to ask this and i've changed my name but i need some non judgey advice please.

199 replies

ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 21:09

Dp (soon to be dh) has a problem with anger. He is normally the nicest guy in the world but every few months he just snaps for no reason. Most recently was 2 days ago and unfortunately it was infront of his friends and collegues - hes a bar man. He knows he needs help, he admits he has a problem but we don't know how to get help for him. Where do we start? I don't want to live my life waiting for the next explosion and i know that he is a good man who can beat this. Any advice please?

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 17/11/2008 10:57

CoI when I first posted on your thread I thought this possible was a case of an angry man lashing out at everyone - now I see clearly that it isn't. He's a domestic abuser who's elected you to be the one to blame for everything he's not happy about.

WRT to his drinking, the first thing he should do (in fact the least he can do) is give up alcohol entirely. If he won't do that then he is saying that it's OK for him to beat you and alcohol is one of his excuses (the other one being that it's 'your fault'). It's very telling that he assaults you when you say 'leave me alone' - he is assaulting you for daring to stand up to him.

While he may or may not have a serious problem with alcohol, the alcohol is an excuse not the cause of his behaviour (I do know people who drink every day. I have been known to do so in the past. Neither I nor any of those people have been domestic abusers. It's NOT the reason why he beats you up.)

dittany · 17/11/2008 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 17/11/2008 17:54

We have a doctors appointment for next tuesday, it was the first one available. I've never seen him so devasted, hes been close to tears for the last few days. Even tho he didn't actually connect with me this time when he lashed out he feels that it is worse because he truly thought he had beaten 'the monster inside him' (his words)
He has said he wont drink this week (we are taking it a week at a time because the thought of not being able to drink fills him with horror so maybe he is dependant)

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controlfreakyBANG · 17/11/2008 18:17

what do you mean by "we" have drs appointment? will you be able to speak frankly in front of him? are you there to hear what he says or what?

Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 17/11/2008 18:57

I'm going with him because i want to hear him say the words. I will be able to speak freely infront of him, i'm not scared of him and he wont react badly. I've made him out to be a monster on this thread but hes not. He really wants to change.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 17/11/2008 18:57

I'm going with him because i want to hear him say the words. I will be able to speak freely infront of him, i'm not scared of him and he wont react badly. I've made him out to be a monster on this thread but hes not. He really wants to change.

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llareggub · 17/11/2008 19:00

WRT the drinking, he'll need to take it each day at a time if he is dependent.

Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 17/11/2008 21:59

Dp has come home tonight instead of staying for the quiz and has only had a glass of coke. People have been making comments to him and calling him Rocky, he is embarrassed and upset about this and i am angry that people think its something to make fun of. I feel like a joke, like a laughing stock.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 17/11/2008 21:59

Dp has come home tonight instead of staying for the quiz and has only had a glass of coke. People have been making comments to him and calling him Rocky, he is embarrassed and upset about this and i am angry that people think its something to make fun of. I feel like a joke, like a laughing stock.

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controlfreakyBANG · 17/11/2008 22:01

well be angry with him then....

if he hadnt behaved like a violent thug you wouldnt be experiencing this humiliation as well as being a victim of dv, would you?

dittany · 17/11/2008 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

controlfreakyBANG · 17/11/2008 22:30

how telling too that he is embarassed and upset about others teasing him..... not embarassed and upset about thinking he can hit you then?

dittany · 17/11/2008 22:37

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LittleBella · 17/11/2008 22:38

You haven't made him out to be a monster.

You've made him out to be an abuser. Which is what he is.

It is absolutely laudable that he wants to change. But please remember that he and he alone, is responsible for that change. You are not. Your first duty is to yourself and your children.

What are you going to do next time he hits you?

solidgoldbrass · 17/11/2008 23:38

COI: so the next thing will be that he starts drinking again because his mates are teasing him - and this will be 'your fault' because you made him promise to stop drinking and they laughed at him. Then you may say that you would rather he stopped drinking, he will then accuse you of nagging and pussywhipping him, and then he will hit you again. And he will be sorry, and will say that he is sorry but you made him stop drinking and his mates made him start again - and he will take no responsibility for his actions.

SOrry to sound so harsh but this is the sort of thing that abusers do. All the time.If he was really sorry and determined to stop abusing you, he wouldn't be guilt tripping you already about boohoo, his friends laughed at him for not drinking.

dittany · 17/11/2008 23:43

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 17/11/2008 23:59

I don't know what to say. Part of me knows you are right - the part of me thats read about it, that knows he ticks all the right boxes to ring the alarm bells. And the other part of me watches him cry, watches him tear himself up and believes him when he says he will beat this. I did feel today when he was upset that maybe he was more concerned for himself and his reputation than for me but he is so wonderful 99% of the time - he even walks me to work and meets me after. I feel very detached from it all tbh

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Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 18/11/2008 00:05

With regard to his parents, i know that he has got in his mothers face, pushed her over and grabbed her by the neck. I know at some point he has punched his father. From what i can gather, his father has acted similarly in the past but rarely and not for a long while although i don't know alot about it. I just feel like such a fool, there is a fight going on inside me between hope (that i'm exaggerating and over reacting and that he will get better) and despair and disbelief

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dittany · 18/11/2008 00:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

llareggub · 18/11/2008 08:19

I am very concerned to read that he walks you to work and picks you up again. Does he encourage you to only socialise with him, too?

I do hope that you begin to see the control issues and the abuse for what it is, and find the strength to end this abusive relationship.

TotalChaos · 18/11/2008 09:31

I think it's telling that he's only made noises about getting help now he's been found out - i.e. the mask has slipped in public. He's been beating his mum up then you for years on and off - without feeling that required getting help.

solidgoldbrass · 18/11/2008 09:41

COI please make sure your computer is password protected and log out of MN every time you finish using it. Your partner is a controlling, abusive, dangerous man and it would be a very bad thing if he read this thread. You seriously need to make plans to get away from him. If he is really committed to change, he will accept that you need to be away from him for your own safety and that he will need to earn his way back to being close to you again. Unfortunately he is not likely to do this.

cheerfulvicky · 18/11/2008 09:45

He walks you to work and back?? Sorry, but something is not right there. I would be suggesting a break at the very least, if I were you - to give him a nice long time to try and sort his issues. Alone.

dittany · 18/11/2008 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 18/11/2008 17:11

He only walks me to work because i just started last week and like the company, he'd be happier staying in bed (and probably will now the novelty has worn off) we go out together alot but sometimes i go out with my friends and hes always happy to babysit. He apologised today for making himself into a victim and not taking responsibility for his actions. We are talking alot and he knows that he has too commit 100% to beating this or i'll have no choice to walk away.

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