I'm embarrassed to ask this and i've changed my name but i need some non judgey advice please.

[ChangeOfIdentity]

Dp (soon to be dh) has a problem with anger. He is normally the nicest guy in the world but every few months he just snaps for no reason. Most recently was 2 days ago and unfortunately it was infront of his friends and collegues - hes a bar man. He knows he needs help, he admits he has a problem but we don't know how to get help for him. Where do we start? I don't want to live my life waiting for the next explosion and i know that he is a good man who can beat this. Any advice please?

Oh love!

Your not alone. 1 in 4 women get hit/bullied/abused by their partner at some stage.

You have kids - imagine this is your child. Boy or girl - telling you this story. You'd tell her/him to run for the hills.

Be cool, be calm, but be brutaly and frankly honest.
Do you want to live with this? Will the worry it will return ever ever go away.

For better for worse - how will he cope if he loses his job/gets a disease/his parents get ill/you get ill etc etc. Life happens. Where will you two be in 10 years? Who will he be lashing out at then even if he has moved on from you? He's always had this potential in him, from 14 so who next? You for ever? your kids when they are older? Strangers? siblings?

You were not born to change this man. Only he can do it. Tell him get on with it.

I guess i want to find some way to help him control this, i do believe that its not who he truly is (i'm a walking cliche and i know how frustrating that must be for you all) if i was reading this i would be thinking the poster must be crazy but honestly i can't believe the man i love could be the type of man that would want to hurt me, there must be a medical reason or something. He is so devasted about what hes done. Its impossable to explain, i'm not the type of woman to be abused iykwim

I don't think there is such a thing, sorry. But then I'm not medically qualified.

Why do you think he got to 28 without having a relationship? What do you know about his past?

one in four, one in four, one in four.

Make it your mantra. One in four of my mates don't have bruises/look scruffy/be shy/fail to have a good time on a night out and yet ........

One step at a time, accept this hard reality at your own speed, but get going on it. You've been so brave to type it.

what type of women do you think are the type of women to be abused?

he has a choice about how to behave.
you have a choice about whether you are abused.
you really really cant "help" him or "change" him.
you are letting him treat you this way and letting him continue to be an abuser by continuing the relationship in the face of his unnacceptable and violent behaviour.

why should he change when he can have you and continue to behave as he has always behaved?

i also dont think he is being honest maybe.... he's had no previous relationships? really? if not why not? do you think he is being honest about his drinking either?

You're already doing classic things which victims of dv do:

• Feeling embarrassed about his behaviour

• Watching out for the signs that he's about to turn violent so that you can try and head off his violence. In other words, adapting your behaviour to placate him.

How long before you start telling your DC's that they mustn't do XYZ normal things in case it provokes him?

Further on down the line, the things you do to head off the violence, won't work anymore and however well you tread eggshells, you (and possibly your DC's) will get hit.

• You're separating the lovely, kind, wonderful man from this violent one whom you have to placate in case he hits you and trying to make excuses for his behaviour by putting it down to some kind of medical condition. It's not. It's his choice to hit you. He didn't hit that bloke who might have hit him back harder or got him arrested the other night, did he? Managed to keep his chemical imbalanced balanced enough then, didn't he? He must meet hundreds of lairy drunks in the course of his work, but I bet he doesn't lash out at any of them, even though a sympathetic observer might say they deserved it.

Hey listen - maybe he is depressed or has some hidden history that is affecting his coping. Maybe he has a mental health issue.

But it doesn't change who you are and the fact that you were not sent to change him, apologise for him or control him.

And unless he is 100% certifiable mentally incapacitated - he is making the choice to go for you. You have been chosen by him as the reciever of whatever angst/need to hit/need to control he has.

God it's a hard reality.

Are you still there, OP?

Do you live together?

You have been chosen by him - you are not to blame and have been targeted, primed and manipulated.

It's the same one week into it or after 60 years of partnership together.

you're making excuses for him - this enables his behaviour.

he drinks every day ...but just a couple.

do normal people really do this? because i really don't know anyone at all who drinks even a couple every day.

he drinks more on sunday..but...but...but..only 5 ...and a big man should be able to handle that.

He drinks alot less than he used to before i met him....so thats ok....cos, its notthe drink...y'know, pub quiz, bar man, drinking all the time...no noits not its not i tell you.

he hits his paretns, he hits you
he hits in public

but its ok - he can control it - it must be a medical thing
i don't want to be a statistic
he is so sorry....

i don't want to be a cliche...

YOU ARE.

Reading your messages has made me cry. I've always believed i'm strong, sorted and smart enough to see things like this before they happen. Its every few months that he lashes out, not every day or week but there i go making excuses again. Its almost like the logical part of me can see clearly but the rest of me shuts down. I don't know how its come to this, until the other night everyone thought we were the perfect couple and i liked it, but now it seems i have to take my head out of the sand.

custardo is right. firm but fair.

Bless you and all power and strength to you. Get help when the time is right and be brave.

You did a great thing starting this thread - a huge step.

glad you're still there op.

You do, but at least you have admitted it to yourself. And there are always people on here to offer support, kind words and sometimes the harsh truth. Well done you.

Now you have to put words into action.

love above your kids?

you can't do this to them. listening to you two fighting, to things crashing and banging, to you screaming.

if not yet...then it will.

and the excuses will continue.

go to bed darling....y'know xxx doesn't like the noise when he comes in

when they are older

go to bed, you know what he's like

older still

they just go

your left with a shattered family and children who pity you rather than love you - who you have raised to perhaps normalise this behaviour and think its ok to break things and use force to manipulate relationships.

Yes we live together and have done for a year now.

it's true.

what would your parents want you to do?
what would you want your child to do if they were in your situation?

You've got a lot to deal with. Where do you think you'll go from here?

and if he knows its wrong - and he really wants to change things - then he will source seek and go regularly to anger management.

he will source and stick to - a different job away from the drink

if he admits to drink being a problem - he will source and stick to support meetings.

if not - he doesn't love you he loves the power, the man - the strength. the adrealin, the drama.

and how many times has this happened in that year?
do you really believe the dcs aren't aware of all this?

good luck

i know i was brutal - but thats whats needed i think.

xx