Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm embarrassed to ask this and i've changed my name but i need some non judgey advice please.

199 replies

ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 21:09

Dp (soon to be dh) has a problem with anger. He is normally the nicest guy in the world but every few months he just snaps for no reason. Most recently was 2 days ago and unfortunately it was infront of his friends and collegues - hes a bar man. He knows he needs help, he admits he has a problem but we don't know how to get help for him. Where do we start? I don't want to live my life waiting for the next explosion and i know that he is a good man who can beat this. Any advice please?

OP posts:
controlfreakyBANG · 16/11/2008 22:57

do you / he have children? do any children live with you? are you planning to have children?

you should think v long and hard about marrying a man who has this problem, ie is violent, and should think v long and hard about exposing any dcs to his temper violence... what choices do they have? any dcs safety and emotional welfare should be your priority.

controlfreakyBANG · 16/11/2008 22:57

did he hit you in public then? what happened? what was the "trigger"?

piratecat · 16/11/2008 23:01

i just think it's hard to be inside this situation, and to think clearly. It's easy to be outside this situation and say 'this is not right or normal, and i am worried for you you thay he will never actually change and mess up your life'

i am too man wary maybe.

controlfreakyBANG · 16/11/2008 23:04

no pc, just realistic, (imo)

jasper · 16/11/2008 23:04

I would caution againstplanning a future with a man who hits you. Full stop.

Marriage is a legal contract.

Don't marry him on the assumption he will change following anger management counselling.

Please be careful.

Violence like this USUALLY escalates.

Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 23:05

I was sat at the table, we were chatting and he lost it, just started shouting and swearing. I didn't want to make a scene so said i was going for a smoke. He followed me outside and got in my face shouting etc, then he swung for me but i stepped back. One of the men saw him and confronted him about it, they had a shouting match and dp walked away from it. Calmed down a few minutes later and we went home. Hes been so ashamed of himself. I have 2 children, they've never seen him lose it.

OP posts:
jasper · 16/11/2008 23:05

someone who hits you is NOT A GOOD MAN

dittany · 16/11/2008 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

llareggub · 16/11/2008 23:06

I don't believe that he is not drinking every day.

There is no excuse for violence. You should encourage him to get help, but you won't be able to change him yourself. Don't get sucked into that role of being the only one who can save him. It won't happen.

Why hasn't he sought help before?

dittany · 16/11/2008 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 23:09

Written down it sounds so much worse than it was. Its not a frequent thing at all. The last time was about 4 months ago. The one thing that is consistent in all this is that i've asked him to leave me alone before he lashes out. I don't shout at him or anything like that, and i'm so embarrassed that people saw.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 23:10

Written down it sounds so much worse than it was. Its not a frequent thing at all. The last time was about 4 months ago. The one thing that is consistent in all this is that i've asked him to leave me alone before he lashes out. I don't shout at him or anything like that, and i'm so embarrassed that people saw.

OP posts:
LittleBella · 16/11/2008 23:10

The other thing is Relate, but there's usually a long waiting list.

TBH at the risk of sounding judgey, I'd call off the wedding until he has sorted this problem out. It is simply too big to go ahead with marrying him and if he is really willing to address his behaviour, he'll understand that he's not qualified to be a husband until he's able to understand that he's not allowed to hit you.

The reason I ask what happened when he lost it in public, is because there's a difference between whether he lashes out only at you (and in the past, other close relatives like his parents) or whether he lashes out randomly. It's interesting that he has enough self-control to not get into a fight with that other bloke, but seemingly not enough self-control not to get into a fight with you. That tells me that anger management is a totally inappropriate solution to this, because he manages his anger extremely well - he directs it physically only against you. He's perfectly capable of walking away from a fight with someone who might hurt him more than he can hurt them.

llareggub · 16/11/2008 23:11

It sounds worse when written down because it is not a good foundation for a relationship. If he really wanted to change he would have done it by now, as you say, he has been like it since he was 14.

What is his relationship history?

controlfreakyBANG · 16/11/2008 23:11

how old is he?

he has hit his PARENTS? he has hit YOU?

what makes you think being with you / your feelings for him will solve this issue that he has had since 14??

he clearly has few societal inhibitions if he was about to hit you in, effectively, a public place.... so what makes you think he wont be hitting you in front of your dcs? hitting your dcs when he's their stepdad and they "make" him loose it??

alarm bells should be ringing at full volume. you deserve much better. your dcs dont deserve this at all.

has he had previous relationships? why did they end? did he hit them?

llareggub · 16/11/2008 23:12

Good point, LittleBella

Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 23:12

Hes about 5'11 and 17 stone. I'm 5'5 and have no idea what i weigh but i'm a size 12.

OP posts:
piratecat · 16/11/2008 23:15

it's a matter of concern, and it's not the norm. I do feel for you becuase it must be very hard to be in the situation, and to be able to see it for what it is. Like so many other situations, where you make excuses for that person, becuase it's part of your 'normal'.

LittleBella · 16/11/2008 23:18

If you marry him without stipulating any conditions about him taking real, meaningful steps to change his behaviour, then rest assured that your children will soon see that side of him.

And may even be on the receiving end of it.

Original poster
ChangeOfIdentity · 16/11/2008 23:18

I'm his only long term serious relationship, i'm definately the first person hes ever lived with. Hes 28. There is no date for the wedding and there won't be until things are sorted. Its hard to believe but everything is so good except for this one occasional thing. I could go on about all his good qualities but i appreciate how that would sound.

OP posts:
solo · 16/11/2008 23:21

I know some people may pooh pooh this, but it was a very strong full moon on Thursday and the moon phases can affect peoples moods a lot.
I've not read the whole of this thread, but one thing I will say is that my exh#1 was a lovely man until he beat me up and loosened my teeth and blacked my eye and...I could continue but I wont...They usually get worse not better IME. Think about it before you marry him. For me, it got much, much worse after I married him(he only did it once before we married). take care.

LittleBella · 16/11/2008 23:21

CoI, that's so normal.

Of course everything else is good about him. I bet everything else is practically perfect. In order for anyone to put up with a violent man, in every other area of his life he has to be the dream man.

Be very, very wary of perfect men with anger problems. He sounds like a text-book abuser to me.

llareggub · 16/11/2008 23:22

To be honest, I've heard that from other women who have experienced domestic violence. The fact that he has some good qualities does not make him different from any other violent man.

What were you hoping to get from this thread? As others have said, clearly he can control his violence with some people.

Has he ever been in trouble with the police?

I do feel for you. I hope I haven't come across as unsympathetic, and I hope you decide what to do soon. Because you can make some changes, but you can't make changes for him.

dittany · 16/11/2008 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sazisi · 16/11/2008 23:27

I'm sorry, I don't know how else to put this, but nice men don't hit you.