I was like you, engaged, head in the sand, in denial, thinking, its ok, he's a lovely man, its not so often, too embarassed to tell friends about it, I can help him get better, he's not drinking that much, so got married, of course it just got worse, my life was a living hell, sometimes I wished he would just finish me off, or wanted to kill myself, finding booze hidden in clothes drawers, under furniture, coat pockets, realised I'd never know how much he was really drinking, although he had abusive/violent outbursts when sober too, I tread so careful, hardly dare breathe, he controlled my every move but nothing was good enough in the end. I was scared to look at people in the street, to talk to people at work (I lost my job), to talk to friends (was lucky they were still there when I left him), was a prisoner at home with him (when the drink took over he stopped working too). He demanded my constant attention, often at the expense of housework (so we lived in a pit), and eventually our dd (which was my awakening). I was living on adrenalin ie constant fear. It was surreal and I could never have imagined that I would end up in such a dire 'existence'. It was controlled cos he was charming around others mostly. PLEASE don't do what I did. Act on the warning signs, don't ignore them. And plan your/his exit as you can count on this 'triggering' another outburst from him. Have friend or family with you at the time if you can. I'm so sorry. Look after you and the kids.