I'm embarrassed to ask this and i've changed my name but i need some non judgey advice please.

[ChangeOfIdentity]

Dp (soon to be dh) has a problem with anger. He is normally the nicest guy in the world but every few months he just snaps for no reason. Most recently was 2 days ago and unfortunately it was infront of his friends and collegues - hes a bar man. He knows he needs help, he admits he has a problem but we don't know how to get help for him. Where do we start? I don't want to live my life waiting for the next explosion and i know that he is a good man who can beat this. Any advice please?

"people that saw seem to think that i must have really wound him up to make him snap". out of interest - is that what people said to you? or what he has said to you?

otherwise - agree with solidgold and others - don't show him this thread, and protect your phone.

I have been following this thread and haven't posted until now because I don't have the experience to give any advice, but it worries me that you're making up so many excuses for him, he's beaten you up already and he's hit his mum, that should be enough reason to run like the wind. I know it's not easy when you've invested so much into a relationship and when he seems perfect in every other way, but this is a huge problem he has and it will have major repercussions on your family if it carries on. I don't know what kind of results people can expect from therapy and whether he would be 'cured' forever anyway. Wouldn't you always live in fear?

Sorry to say my Ex dp was exactly the same and had an evil temper which at first was not clearly apparent. He finally after 3 years started to be aggressive towards me and after 8 years we split up . Even after 3 months of splitting i confronted him about non payment of maintenance and he pushed me 3x so i just thought enough is enough and had him arrested `( I had suffered enough ) . I thought he has another thing coming if he thinks he can continue to push me around now AND continue to see our ds . He still has a temper and wish i never had to see him again but for the sake of our ds 8yrs.; who he has every week end.
Wishing you luck though and hope he manages to control his temper ( he must have some real deep down anger ) . Conselling is a MUST and lots of. Dont get hurt like i did and suffer.

Under no circumstance show him this thread or leave your phone about. Lock it with a pin .

Get real.

I have only read the first few posts but speaking from my own experience,

you are making excuses for his behaviour

he will not change

do not get married until he has changed (if he does)

do not wait for him to change after marriage

Move yourself away from him and then if you want to help him do it from a distance.

Protect yourself and your dc.

I mean that in the nicest way and I in no way judge you, your situation or how or why. Truly.

Take basic personal safety steps.

And the kids probably know everything.

And imagine, are all of the postings here when we have described the future to you - are they based on peoples imaginations?

They are based on experiences, training - as posters might be police or health professionals, or based on their experiences as kids or with sisters and mates.

truly - get real.

As if to prove my point! Citronella is not giving advice based on point of view. Citronella knows the score and you might need to come to accept this hard reality.

Be brave!! It is NOT brave/right to stay and try to fight/help/change.

It is brave and right to get your children out of a house YOU WOULD NOT WANT THEM TO LIVE IN AS ADULTS.

You would not wish your children to live like this.
You would not want your son or daughter on a thread like this - don't role model it for them. You can keep nothing secret from children. Ask any child of an abusive family/drug user/wife beater/adulterer/drinker/money trouble/illness.

we all remember a time as kids when there was stuff going on.

God - I could tell my mum had a hangover just by looking at her! And that was a 'common or garden been out and had a kebab on the way home' hangover!!

Thanks for all your thoughts and support. I know that this wont be a popular decision but i am going to support dp whilst he seeks help and counselling. He does have issues from his past that he has never fully delt with (the death of his best friend among other things) and although i know this isn't an excuse it does make me think that he could learn to deal with his emotions with support. He still hasn't had a drink and although its early days its a good start. Thanks all.

Has the death of the best friend always been an issue for him, or is it a 'reason' that he has just come up with for his recent behaviour? When drunk my ex used to come up with all sorts of crap about horrific events in his past- he lied to me to get sympathy and trust (that he himself was a 'victim', a 'vulnerable' person), then later, after he'd hit me, he'd try and use it as an excuse for his 'loss of control'. BUT HE HADN'T LOST CONTROL. Please at least put your wedding plans on hold. And consider that even after he gets help, you will probably always be waiting for the next snap, as no amount of counselling comes with a guarantee (sp?). He might be alright for a while but it's a slippy road. To re-iterate, please keep this thread out of his sight.

Well the doctors was a complete waste of time. He basically said that he had known dp all his life and that he found it very hard to believe. Also that as i wasn't his patient it wasn't his job to listen to me but to protect dp. That he wouldn't put what we had told him on dps medical records and that he probably got angry because he was overweight and needed to diet as that would give him something to focus on. He has told him to go for a blood test, and to get his blood pressure checked.

Oh please please leave. I had an ex like this - together 3 years on and off. He was verbally abusive - really bad it would happen out of the blue, unprovoked he would say the most horrific things. He would claim he couldnt remember a thing about it and weep tears of remorse. It always happened again a few months later.

90 per cent of the time he was charming, kind and popular. I agonised for years - splitting up when he had an outburst but going back as I missed him so much. One night I noticed the signs that he might snap and tiptoed around him scared that my most innocuous comment might start him off. His best friend was staying the night and I was RELIEVED his friend was there as protection. Then I woke up - what was I doing with a man with whom I needed a third party around to feel safe?

Breaking up with him the best thing I ever did.

Dp cried when we came out of the doctors. The doctor pretty much said that i must be pushing dps buttons because hes never known him to be like that (that'll be because you've seen him for 10 minutes a year if that then) I really don't want to leave, honestly i don't think i could. How pathetic is that.

Well yes, doctors have the usual prejudices of our culture, they're not immune from the mysogynist crap which holds women responsible for men's violence towards them.

You're not going to get any help from his doctor. Face that.

Now think about where you will get help.

This is quite helpful : Cycle

It will be a lot more than pathetic in years to come when you really cannot get out of this situation and it has got to the point where you and your children are living in absolute hell.

GET REAL!

Thank you for the link. We've been reading about anger management too and alot of the things that are mentioned ring true. In the link, it talks about a 'cycle' which also is familiar to me. I am in my 3rd week of my new job which is going well and is giving me my own income and independence. I've opened a bank account to have a % put in a week incase i need it. The house (rented) is in my name only, and i'm working hours that allow me to do the school run so i'm not reliant on dp. I'm trying to think ahead

sounds like your 'dp' got you to tell gp whats been happening- which means he isn't serious about sorting it out himself, which means he won't. He might be going through the motions with you, but unless he takes action by himself, he's not going to genuinely want be able to make any permanent changes to himself.

This sounds extremely harsh and I'm sorry if I offend you but you have your head in the sand COI, you are the one controlling this and allowing this to continue. You are putting not only yours but also your childrens lives in danger. This guy will not change, he beats and batters you.

Has it ever crossed your mind that if things progress in the way in which they are and you marry this bully that potentially social services could get involved with your children due to them being in this environment.

Think.

I'm sorry if this upsets you but what will it take to make you realise whats going on.

agree with oliviasmama coi. in professional life am aware of women whose children have been taken into care on account of being exposed to their mother's violent relationship. it happens. do you think those women sat down and decided this is what they wanted for their dcs? of course not. it came in incremental stages. slowly and surely they failed to prioritise their dcs above their relationship with a violent and controlling mand and / or their own need to be in such a relationship because of their low self esteema and / or issues of co dependancy.

why were you at the gp's with him? were you the one "explaining" his problems?

dittany, it doesn't seem that coi see it like that.....

Please read your posts again COI. Are there any alarms bells ringing??

You are making excuses for him and acting like his mother not his partner. You say that you went to the Drs with him because you wanted to hear him say what he had done to someone its completely irrelevant. Whilst not condoning the GP if your DP was serious about this he should ahve gone on his own and got conselling or help as appropriate. You use the term 'we' about the Drs visit as in 'we had told him' and Dr said it wasn't his job to listen to you as you are not the patient. Did your DP actually say anything or did you just tell the Dr what you thought the problem was and your DP just went along to keep up the charade that he wants help.

It's all manipulative behaviour. They always have an excuse as to why their behaviour is the way it is because it's never their fault. Why does the death of his best friend mean he can hit the people he purports to love? He has got you where he wants you.It all about control and manipulation. The tears are all part of the Mnaipulation so you feel sorry for him and responsible for him.It's like those DV abusers who threaten suicide all the time it's just to keep their vicitm where they want them. They know what buttons to press to keep you exactly where they want you and gradually they suck the life from you. Before you know it you will have change your whole life to please him and keep him happy and you won't even realise it's happening.

Get out and get your kids out. This is only the start and it will get worse.

He mainly spoke to the doctor, my main priority in going with him was to hear him say it to someone. I only spoke up when the doctor started talking rubbish about diet etc. Things got a little heated with the doc when i explained exactly what had happened and he more or less called me a liar. Dp backed up everything i said and more or less begged for help. He doesn't 'batter' me, its infrequent incidences. I don't feel like things are out of control, more that i am taking control for the first time.

I find this really, really worrying. I think your DP has manipulated the situation to a frightening degree: he has managed to make it seem to the GP that you are an unreasonable madwoman who makes stuff up - so the next time your DP assaults you, if you call the police or try to seek help, your DP will call on that doctor to say, look, she's mental, she hates men, she's lying. This DANGEROUS man is quite coolly cutting you off from support, step by step ie he's allowing you to try to seek help from other people then blubbering at them and blaming you for his violent behaviour, so that slowly but surely you will start to believe that 'everyone' thinks his violence is your fault, that you exaggerate, that you 'make' him do it.

THis man may well kill you, eventually. And he may severely harm or even kill your children.