I'm embarrassed to ask this and i've changed my name but i need some non judgey advice please.

[ChangeOfIdentity]

Dp (soon to be dh) has a problem with anger. He is normally the nicest guy in the world but every few months he just snaps for no reason. Most recently was 2 days ago and unfortunately it was infront of his friends and collegues - hes a bar man. He knows he needs help, he admits he has a problem but we don't know how to get help for him. Where do we start? I don't want to live my life waiting for the next explosion and i know that he is a good man who can beat this. Any advice please?

coi. do you know that women die every week in the uk as a result of dv from their partner / ex partner?

i fear coi simply cant hear this at the moment. i want to be supportive coi but i have to say i find your collusion with him whether through fear / blind optimism or for whatever reason very frustrating. i fear for your safety and am concerned for you. i am also left feeling angry that you are willing to put your dcs physical and emotional welfare at such risk. you have choices. you are making choices for them.

"taking control for the first time"

No you're not, you are totally out of control of this situation. When dealing with abuse you are not in control of the abuser, they are in control. The only time you take control is when you remove yourself from the abuser.

I'm interested to know and you don't have to answer this.... but how do you feel about your childrens future, aren't you scared? You haven't touched on anything that's been mentioned about the potentially horrific situation of social services eventually being involved with them.

I'm curious, do you think ahead or are you totally consumed by "todays" probelm?

oops, problem

COI, god I cannot believe this GP. Can he see someone else in the surgery that doesn't know him so well?

I was in an abusive relationship in the past and started just like yours, only it got worse as time went on. I was going to ask if there were things in his past he didn't deal with because 9 times out of 10 there is a reason. But you already confirmed that

Its a good sign he wants to get help, my ex always blammed me and had he seeked help I probably would have stayed.

Why don't you look for counsellors in your area that deal in anger management/his past, Can't you go to your own GP as he might be more helpful and give you counsellors details thats best suited to your DPs problems.

That doctor wants reporting. How would he feel if he read in the paper that your DP had gone too far and you'd ended up in hospital, or worse?

Having been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship in the past, I'm recognising so many things you are saying in all your posts COI. Please, please, please listen to what people are saying on here. If it were only you that was being affected I can understand some of the reasons why you want to see him through this and try and support him. The fact that you have kids adds a whole new dimension.

The trouble with this type of abuse is that most of the time (and I'm not referring to the physical violence here) it's so subtle that you put up with it for longer as it is easy to make excuses.

You need to put your kids' needs first. It sounds as if you have given him plenty of chances to change. You need to leave for the sake of your kids.

I left my husband some months ago now after being together for 10 years and married for nearly 7. He was verbally abusive to me on a daily basis at the end and had pushed me about a number of times which was getting worse and more frequent. He put holes in doors, shouted, was very agressive and intimitating and through it all blamed it on me and said that I always "started" it.

It took me a long time to realise that the way he treated me wasn't normal and that he'd never change. I'm in the middle of divorcing him now and I couldn't be happier. I wondered hwo I would cope alone with 3 young children but I have and far better that I ever thought I would. It's not always easy but it's much easier living without fear and knowing whatever I did was never going to be good enough and that I'd get shouted and moaned at all the time.

The final straw came one night when we argued (mostly I tried to ignore him and walk away while he shouted at me but rarely I can't and have to shout back which is what he wanted) and he followed me around the house for about 30 mins shouting and trying to get to me, the dc's woke up heard things and he pushed me and hit my arm. I decided that was it and the next morning got him to leave. The week before he'd done similar but I shut myself in a room and he pushed against it trying to get in, that left me with big bruises on my hip, side and arms where I was trying to keep the door shut and him away from me. Thankfully ds2 woke up that night which stopped him but I still dont' know what he'd have done that night had he got in.

I only realised afterwards how miserable my "life" was with him. He was constantly putting me down, I wasn't good enough, nothing was good enough, I could lose a bit of weight (size 8 btw), said I was lazy, a bad mum and whatever I decided to do or try he'd say I'd never stick with it and would give up. He did knock my self confidence for a long time but the best thing I ever did was leave him for my children's sake and my own. I would never put up with that again and I'm amazed that I did for so long.

Don't waste your time and your life on this man, if not for your sake then for your children's sake. He isn't worth it. If he's really serious then leave him until he'es actually done what he promises. Personally I'd prefer to find a lovely and amazing man that didn't abuse me. Good luck.

What an amazing story JodieO. Congratulations on leaving and it's brilliant that you are now reaping the rewards of your bravery. I only hope that OP takes these stories on board.....

Thank you Even some days I still doubt myself, he denied anything happened but blamed me when he lost his temper etc, I made him do it. He thought it wasn't that bad and that the way he treated me was normal, I have to convince myself some days that it really was that bad.

that's really heartening to hear jodie. you are v brave to do what you did.... what made you decide? what was the thing that pushed you to say enough is enough? i dont think coi is anywhere near that point at the momnent..... how have your kids coped with the changes?

Another one that can relate to this behaviour. My EXP (not DD's dad) gradually started controlling everything about my life. His temper got steadily worse which culminated in him attacking me. It was the first and only time. It wasn't a serious attack but a neighbour beat me to it and called the police, who locked him in a cell for the night.

Once the police are involved, I really hope this doesn't deter you from calling them the next time he attacks you as you may need their protection, social services are alerted to a child being in a violent home. I felt so ashamed that I'd allowed my DD to be exposed to DV. The police officer that saw me for a follow up visit was delighted that I'd sent him packing and said it was for the best.

Do you plan to have children together? I mean you say he is up for counselling but if this has been happening since he was 14 then he has presumably had years to do it. If he can be violent towards you and his parents then I doubt that he has any bounderies when hes 'on one'. Postpone the wedding until hes sorted

Agree with Custy and CFB 100%.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/freedomprogramme/about.cfm

OMG this thread is nauseating.

I feel so so sorry for your kids. You are so more worried about your DP than them. You don't even mention them at all.

I think you are obsessed with saving him.

You should put some of that energy into your childrens' welfare and emotional well being.

Argh! it doesn't matter if it's everyday, every week or just once! Battery is battery! And I do not doubt that what does happen increasingly frequently is verbal/emotional abuse, which you play down in your mind, but it's cutting you down bit by bit. Do you want your kids to think that's the way to behave in relationships? They may not be watching but they're probably listening and learning from your example. Do you think you won't meet another man who is as 'great' as he is? Of course you can, and most of them won't abuse you like this idiot.

Controlfreaky - I'd thought about it for a long time and that last night that I mentioned was it for me really. We'd argued a lot and he'd pushed me about etc for ages before but the week before when he tried to get at me when I shut myself in a room and then the week after when he hit me and my daughter woke up and saw him push me was it for me. I couldn't do that to her or my other two younger ones, they always come first and I felt awful for her having to see that.

At first my children used to ask for their dad and say they missed him but after a few weeks (he sees them every other weekend at the moment) they stopped and seem much happier than before. My children are young, 6, just 5 and nearly 2 so I guess that makes it a little easier for them but they've coped really well with it all and seem really happy.

If anything, I wish I'd have ended things sooner, I want to be happy and most of all I want my children to be happy. I had an abusive childhood too and I could see it happening all over again.

Nothing changes unless you make it change, don't rely on other people to make your life better or happier, you need to be happy in yourself first.

I think COI has gone - denial. I really hope that she does see sense soon. . .somehow I fear not though. How sad, especially for her children.

I totally agree with CWI in that COI seems so much more worried about her DP than the welfare of her children, that in itself is a huge concern.

What a sad and desperate situation.

I just wanted to pick up on the 'I'm not the type of woman to be abused' point.

I recently met a woman through friends, and the first thing I noticed about her was how beautiful she was: long legs, lush long hair, stylish clothes etc. Then I met her a few more times and noticed she was also highly intelligent, creative and a high earner.

If I'm honest, I was quite envious as she appeared to have it all, including a besotted fiance who couldn't believe his luck as snagging this alluring creature. My friend who knew her better spent time alone with her and it became clear that the adoring fiance had beaten her up on at least three occasions, one of which left her in need of hospital care, another in which he had assaulted her in the street as she tried to run away from him. All attacks had involved drink.

The fiance had since become her husband, as she has married him now.

I don't know her very well but I can't imagine this guy will somehow become less violent, as that doesn't seem to really happen. He will get more violent, and she will not want to leave him as they are married.

There is no typical 'battered woman'. This woman was everything I wish I was, and she was a victim of hidden domestic violence.

Look,

I sounds like because he has hit you, you now know that he can do it. If you see it in his eyes and " be nice" to him in order not to be bitten up, YOU ARE in an abusive relationship. I would very seriously consider marrying that man, I know this is not what you want to hear but I don't think that counceling will solve your problem unfortunately.

Sorry to be so direct, you need to think of you here.

Good luck

Just come back to this thread but would like to say that Dittany, well done, the research you have posted is so valid. I recognise every word.