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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

it happens so often on here, but I opened his mobile bill by accident and guess what?

572 replies

AreYouCallingMeDarling · 07/10/2008 03:24

yep

up to 30 texts a day to number that I find out is another woman

Just friendship says he

hahahahaha

I am a regular btw. Just don't want my mum reading this and knowing it is me. Or anyone else I know

I feel so feckin stupid

It is the middle of the night and I probably won't get any answers. But that is fine

OP posts:
Original poster
AreYouCallingMeDarling · 07/10/2008 03:33

off to bed now. Next door's alarm has finally been switched off

OP posts:
SuperBunny · 07/10/2008 04:11

Nothing to say really. I'm sorry.

alipiggie · 07/10/2008 04:15

You have my total sympathy. I found out about ExH's affair via his Blackberry. We'd never had any secrets and hence I willing grabbed his phone when it beeped. I hope you get some sleep. I can imagine how you must be feeling. Take care.

forevercleaning · 07/10/2008 04:24

sorry you have found out this way.

Don't listen to any excuses. If it was just a 'friendship' you would have know all about it.

Hopefull, he is feeling absolutely mortified by his behaviour now that you know,and he realises how much is at stake. Make him suffer for a while....

hope you are ok though.

Original poster
AreYouCallingMeDarling · 07/10/2008 07:08

He works away during the week. She works in the same place. He has now admitted phone sex, sending photos and that they kissed once

He is mortified. He is suffering. I am going to make him read a peice from this weeks Observer written by a man who wishes he wasn't a part time dad. I rang him at 1.30 to let him know that I couldn't sleep.

tosswipe

OP posts:
WhirlingStirling · 07/10/2008 07:41

Really feel for you

I have been where you are and it is shite!

I just hope that he can now help you through this.

Is it possible for him to change job? It would really help, if he wants to make amends, for him to have no contact with this woman.

mou · 07/10/2008 07:55

No advice, just really for you, hope things work out.

hecate · 07/10/2008 08:01

I am really sorry for you. And angry.

And I tell you this - he is NOT mortified, he is NOT suffering - he is only sorry he got caught. He is sorry for HIMSELF for getting found out because if he cared so much about how you feel, he wouldn't have done it in the first place.

It's amazing how much SHIT they get up to and then when you CATCH them, oh, then they are oh so sorry and feel so bad about themselves and they know they've let you down and they don't understand why they did it, and nothing you say could make them feel any worse and - it is self-pitying SHIT because they never gave you a thought while they thought you didn't know anything. Oh no, they didn't care oh so much about you then, did they? They weren't devastated and ashamed then, were they? Oh no. Only when they get caught do they suddenly develop a conscience.

Bastards.

WhirlingStirling · 07/10/2008 08:08

Well said Hecate - Men would be ok if their brains weren't in their dicks!

WhirlingStirling · 07/10/2008 08:10

Areyoucallingmedarling - tell me more about the piece in the Observer - I would like to shove it under my h's nose!

anyfucker · 07/10/2008 08:10

hecate, you have put it so well

he is sorry he got caught

what he has admitted too so far is probably the tip of the iceberg, or at least you have to treat it as that until he can manage to convince you differently

don't put up and shut up becuase you are scared to find out more...I hope there is no more

men will lie and lie and lie and lie

anyfucker · 07/10/2008 08:10

sorry, I meant to say I am so sorry

missingtheaction · 07/10/2008 08:21

stop and think. it's easy to be angry with him and do the 'all men are dick-led bastards' thing but what do you really want to happen next? he hasn't done this with the express purpose of making you unhappy and ruining your marriage, he's done it to make him happier and to give himself something he wasn't getting already. Either that something is something selfish and unreasonable for a married dad (the thrill of some illicit sex) OR it is something he ought to be getting out of his marriage and isn't. If he is working away during the week he is probably lonely and horny, and maybe feels detatched from you and dcs. OBVIOUSLY he should have kept his thumbs off the Send button (and anywhere else they shouldn't have been - what he has done is Wrong and Weak) but PLEASE PLEASE be careful if you want to mend your marriage - JUST punishing him may well send him racing off to her open arms. If the underlying problem is fixable work on fixing that at the same time.

But if you want to kick him out kick hard, and now.

MrsMattie · 07/10/2008 08:24

People are always sorry when they get caught, aren't they?

abear · 07/10/2008 08:33

I have been there - we were living separately Mon to Fri due to work. We moved so we are now living in one place (closer to work as change of job wasn't possible), worked hard at things and three years on have had another child and I am so happy we made the effort to put things right. I think my DH was missing being part of his family, now we are almost insepearable when he is not at work - a very different family to the one which nearly parted. If you can somehow rebuild the trust you may be able to work it out, but missingtheaction is right and if things are to be put right the mistakes of the past can not be constantly brought up in the future and can't be used as punishment forever more - it is going to be tough whatever happens, but good luck, I feel for you, that awful upset and trauma is sooo hard to handle.

WhirlingStirling · 07/10/2008 08:34

If it is any help - I am 11 months down the line from you and I deeply regret the fact that I didn't kick my h out. If I had done that and he had walked away, I would have known that our relationship was over. If he had tried to win me back and prove himself I think we would be in a better place now.

As it is, he is here, but I dont know why!

Aliensloveunderpants · 07/10/2008 08:35

really sorry this has happened to you. I have no advice except agreement with others. I'm just really sorry and thinking of you. Life can be so crap!

HappyWoman · 07/10/2008 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

ladytophamhatt · 07/10/2008 08:47

So sorry you've found out your DH is a shitbag.

I've never understood the idea of phone sex. Personally i couldn't think of anything less erotic....maybe I'm just a prude.

S1ur · 07/10/2008 08:58

I'm sorry you feel so betrayed.

I like what missingtheaction said.

You need a chance to think about what your own limits are in your realtionship, because this is different for everyone. An affair is subjective I think, some people are okay with the idea of flirting, some draw the line at kissing or sex.

My point being there are degrees and I think you need to decide where your lines are that will not be crossed. And then tell him since his lines are obviously in different places to yours.

Then consider consequences, is this betrayal crossing a line that should result in separation? Or if you choose to stay together are you going to do so only with resentment? I think you need to talk to him and be honest, you never know he might be honest back.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 07/10/2008 09:01

Do you believe they "kissed once"? If so then you might be able to move on from it, but I think you need to know that he's telling the truth (which you might do).

Dreyfus · 07/10/2008 09:01

I'm so sorry for you. That must have been a horrible shock. I can imagine only too well how betrayed and stunned you must feel.

missingtheaction speaks good sense though - there are women on here who have been in this situation and their relationship with the disloyal man has recovered (like abear says, above). I'm not sure I'd be able to do that myself, mind you - I'd be too angry and devastated - I'm just echoing her and MTA's good advice that there may be a way forward - if you want one, and if he does.

Some men ARE dicks through and through, undoubtedly - some just suffer from a moment of madness or weakness and make a mistake - it's not 'forgiveable' like dropping your favourite ornament would be - but it might be possible to pick up those pieces. Only you will know which it is, and what you want to happen next.

I know we don't give hugs on here but I'm sending you one anyway.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 07/10/2008 09:02

And you'll also need to sort out work I can't really see how he can continue to work away with her. I'm sorry. Hope he has the decency to be upfront so you can decide what to do and how to move on.

anyfucker · 07/10/2008 09:16

please come back and tell us how you are (if you can)

muckypups · 07/10/2008 09:41

So sorry you found out this way and for what you are now going through.

Ive been there and its not nice. Its hard to get over and i dont think ill ever view my Dh in the same way again.

They destroy something precious in us that trusts gives us then expect to be forgiven because they havnt actullay had sex with the OW so they dont see it as betrayal.

Bloody men, i could throttle them, honestly!!!

Im sure you will work it out if thats what you want but youll never feel the same again about your H and thats whats hard to deal with. Every little thing he does will seem suspicious.

My Dh went out for a DVD last night but came home with nothing as didnt see a film he fancied. My inner insecruity demons are now back out in force and i feel like shit today. This is 5 months on, so will it ever get better. Im not sure. It doesnt help that he still works closely with her.

Take Care xxx

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