it happens so often on here, but I opened his mobile bill by accident and guess what?

[AreYouCallingMeDarling]

yep

up to 30 texts a day to number that I find out is another woman

Just friendship says he

hahahahaha

I am a regular btw. Just don't want my mum reading this and knowing it is me. Or anyone else I know

I feel so feckin stupid

It is the middle of the night and I probably won't get any answers. But that is fine

I am very sorry.

sorry you are going through this.

A friend of mine had a married boyfriend who was working away in the week. He went home to his wife every friday night, and came back every monday morning. In the week time they shared a flat in town. Or rather, she moved to a flat near his, where she "lived" but realistically she spent every night in the weekdays at his. They met at work.

I would thread very carefully, and I would inspect his living accommodation near his work for signs of her. I would turn up unsuspectedly on a weeknight.

for you OP.
I hope he is coming back from work immediately to talk to you and try and sort this out? (unless you dont want to see him of course)

been there....just make sure you get what you want out of this.(in other words,if you still love him,don't cut your nose off to spite your face...if however,you're never gonna be able to see him in the same light again...get rid!)really hope it all works out for you though.

I dont think it actually matters what went on physically - exceot for the obvious disease risks. It is the betrayal that destroys the trust.

There are many levels of trust too - some are trustworthy with money some are not same with ow around some can be trusted some cant.

No-one says you have to trust 100% to have a relationship and if your partner has already abused that then he needs to live with that too.

I find the best thing is too be honest - i still dont and probably never will completly trust my h after his affair - but i dont think it is any different from if he had blown a shed load of money for example. We talk about it and have a stratagy for how we will deal with how we both feel. He tells me more about who he works with and i tell him if i am feeling nervous. Mostly it works - my h does not expect me to trust him either so that helps he offers the information he knows will make me feel better.

I cannot see how working together ever works again though to be honest. Not if the marriage is to work.

Some great advice on here - I went through what you are going through last Christmas. Turned out that after I found the messages, they then started a proper relationship. Mmm, so nice to know that all the trust I decided to re-invest in my relationship was squashed so easily. I found out after five months. Looking back, I can now see that DH wanted out of our marriage but didn't have the courage to tell me. Twat.

He sees his affair for what it was, ie ego-boosting fun, but the affair isn't why he is leaving me. He just doesn't love me. He can't, can he, after what he's done.

Find out why he did this. Listen hard to the wonderful ladies on MN - make sure that, if you decide to carry on with your relationship, he can show you commitment, ie getting another job, talk about what your relationship means to him. You will have to become a bit vulnerable and try and trust him (though see what HappyWoman says about trust, she's been there too and she is right), with a bit of work from both of you it could strengthen your relationship by causing you to approach it differently. He may respect you and love you more for being strong. I hope so! Good luck!!

He is on his way home and will be here soon.

I need to know:-
How long
Why
How far
How did it start
who knows (he works in v male environment in the forces
What did he want out of it?
Where did he expect it to end up?

He is moving jobs in Jan.

I want to stay together. He is just such a fuckwit with women - he has nooooo idea when they are coming on to him. He is too nice really (he is also tall dark and handsom)

Well - I am off to wait for him. Fell a bit shakey and have had a GnT as a result. I told my boss this morning, just to explain why I am probably going to be shit at my job for a few days, and to explain the sudden afternoon off.

Thank you all for your support and suggestions; it really does help.

Funny thing is that quite a few people see us as a perfect couple

HAHAHAHAHA

Because of the way we trust each other.

Fuck

Sorry - that should say partly because of the way we trust each other

don't you dare start blaming the awful woman who came onto your innocent husband.

You're husband is a liar, and he is a cheat. You can fix this, you can both move on, but you won't fix it by whitewashing over reality wtih a "whore of Babylon seduces near-virgin" story. he needs to be utterly honest. There are many women who will happily fuck a married man, it's up to HIM to save his marriage, not other women.

Don't worry GermanPrison - he ain't getting away with this.

He is an adult and has to take responsibility for what he has done

so sorry and hope you can work something out when he gets home.

and for WhirlingStirling

here is the piece in the observer

Nothing to add to what the others have said - some really good advice, but want to add my support. This must have been such a shock .

Only advice, don't have any more GnTs beofe he gets home - you are feeling hurt and angry, and a little alcohol helps, but you really need to have all your wits about you when you talk to him. He has failed big time, but you need to be sober enough to retain control of the situation.

Let us know how things go. As HW says, you probably don't know half of it - he will only admit to as much as he can get away with - but if you want to keep your marriage, you need to know exactly where you stand now, and what he wants, and what you want. Then you can plan on how to move on.

Don't worry - only the one drink.

Do I just ask for his honesty? Or do I pretend that I know more than I do? Un-named sources

the exact same thing happened to me abotu 5 years ago. i knew the woman and she pretended to be my friens, all the time screctly texting and calling my dh.

he, like yours didnt realise she was coming on to him and i do think that if i hadnt found out when i did then something would have happened.

dh said she was just a friend, but if it was so innocent then why didnt i konow anything about it?

when i found out i jst said 'i dont want you to speak to her anymore as it will riun our relationship'

as far as i know he hasnt spoken to her since apart from when we was her socially and then she got a new bloke and we didnt see her again

dh didnt think he was doing anything wrong, and although i do trust him, there will always be the seed of doubt at the back of your mind. i used to check his phone for her number, but stopped that years ago.

i hope this turns out ok for you

Ask for his honesty. I've tried pretending I know more than I do, and ended up looking like a twat. He also found it amusing.

You could tell him that if he wants you to trust him again, he has to tell you the truth now because any more lies and you're gone. This is his moment to come completely clean, wipe the slate and start again. If he wants to.

I cannot stress enough the importance of honesty. Good Luck!

im sorry i didnt read the phone sex and kissing part, i got carried away.

i feel so for you, really hope you work it through

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

Act with complete cynicism. When he says "Look, we only kissed once" you say something like "Sure you did, and I'm Father bloody Christmas, now you either tell me the whole fecking truth or you pack your bags you lying scumbag"

I'm sure you know your dh very well and love him very much, but do you know how many times Mumsnetters who have been betrayed have uttered the lines "he doesn't know when they are coming onto him".

Yes he does. I should think it's fairly obvious when a woman starts sending dirty texts that she is coming onto you. And if they have been having phone sex, how come they were so restrained to have just kissed the once? I don't think so and neither do you.

I feel angry on your behalf, that men can come out with such bullshit and that we are so trusting. Would he forgive you as easily? Take your word for it?

You must be going through hell and me telling you what a shit he is probably isn't helping. Sorry.

He is home now - didn't expect me to be here grin

Lots more people here with better advice than me, just wanted to give you some more support.

Good luck. Be strong.

Thanks for link to the Observer article - have shown it to my stupid h!!

Truly hope things are not as bad as they seem