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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

it happens so often on here, but I opened his mobile bill by accident and guess what?

572 replies

AreYouCallingMeDarling · 07/10/2008 03:24

yep

up to 30 texts a day to number that I find out is another woman

Just friendship says he

hahahahaha

I am a regular btw. Just don't want my mum reading this and knowing it is me. Or anyone else I know

I feel so feckin stupid

It is the middle of the night and I probably won't get any answers. But that is fine

OP posts:
spicemonster · 07/10/2008 15:10

What a lovely but terribly sad article.

littlelapin · 07/10/2008 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

watsthestory · 07/10/2008 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Rhubarb · 07/10/2008 15:47

Ok. Something for you to mull over.

Would he still be doing this if he had not been found out?

noddyholder · 07/10/2008 15:50

rhubarb is right tbh most men carry on their affairs until caught.

ilove · 07/10/2008 15:52

Hope you are ok

largeginandtonic · 07/10/2008 15:53

How awful for you, i have been there it really is terrible.

I imagined the scenarios and tortured myself tbh, it was hellish. I just couldnt stop imagining the encounters and sneaking around. It made it so hard to see straight.

I would do what Cod says and keep it close, do not make any desicions yet. You need time to think about it.

So sorry for you. Mail me if you like, i will keep it shtum.

largeginandtonic · 07/10/2008 15:54

My ex would have happily carried on, he was adamant he was going no where when i found out. Almost indignant i had discovered it!

HappyWoman · 07/10/2008 16:00

I think he probably would - i think the best advice i have heard is to find out why he did it. I truely do think a lot of men do it because they can - it is handed on a plate for them - mostly wives dont find out or dont know so it is seen as not a problem. Sometimes and this may have been the case here he got a bit caught up in it all and more happened than he would have liked.

Although i dont 'blame' the ow i do think there is a difference between shagging a married man and actually wanting him to leave his wife and family - a different game altogether and i do think some men do not see the difference. The ow will often start off saying they do not want to be a homewrecker but then up the game.

I also agree that it is important to get others to know - he will hate it of course (and it is not nice for you either) but i do honestly believe that it is the healthier way forward for all concerned whatever happens.

Do let us know how it goes.

AnnasBananas · 07/10/2008 17:07

So sorry for you and that you found out the way you did. You do need to have a very honest talk about why this has happened and what he plans to do to rebuild the trust.

Do you want to fight for your marriage? Do you think he does?

Perhaps he should not come back for a weekend and see how it would feel for him if he lost his family?? Might be a bit of a wake-up call.

Good to know he is changing job soon but will the original problems be resolved? Sorry to say it but if he was 100% happy in the marriage I don't think he would be doing this. Not that I am blaming you, by the way!!! We are all resonsible for our own actions.

BTW I am army wife too. I would never live apart (by choice) from DH, though.

Original poster
AreYouCallingMeDarling · 07/10/2008 17:12

He has gone to get kids.

He did it because he was flattered by the attention. And he felt ignored . I pointed out that having an affair (even if not completely consumated) was not an appropriate response to those feelings.

I have lots to mull over. I know that I want to stay with him if I can find a way forward. He says that he absolutely wants to stay with me. He admits that it is all his fault and that he completely fucked up. He admitted that he never thought about where it was going, and was living in the moment, said the reason they didn't go further was because he felt guilty, and admits that it probably would have ended in sex if I hadn't found out.

Sorry - head spinning.

More tea

OP posts:
Original poster
AreYouCallingMeDarling · 07/10/2008 17:26

How do you move forward and how do you rebuild the trust? Do you write a list of rules?

I rang her last night once he had finially admitted some of what went on, told her who I was, and that I just wanted to hear what she sounded like. She started to tell me the original gumf he had, about it just being a friendship. I told her to "not bother love" he has already admitted more than that, and to try an unmarried man next time.

I asked him if she had told him about the call, and apparently I terrified her.

I thought I had been quite polite

And of course they kissed more than once. They cuddled on his bed too.

I do the STD clininc even if I am trying to believe him, right?

OP posts:
anyfucker · 07/10/2008 17:28

yes, and make him go too

HappyWoman · 07/10/2008 17:29

There is a way forward - not always easy and you do both need to work at it.

My h said the same as yours - not getting attention at home ect. That is fairly easy to solve - get babysitters and go out more and generally make more time for each other. But again it takes both of you to do that - instead of him spending time texting her he could be texting you and getting some real communication going.

I still stand by my belief that they should not work together - if either of them thinks its ok then i would threaten to make the texts ect public - if they think they have done nothing wrong then they will not be ashamed of it. He has crossed a line and now needs to put it right. I have learned this from bitter experience as i for a while thought they could work together and their firm even encouraged it and tried to reasure me - complete twoddle imo.

Anyway good luck and i hope it works out for you - you will both need to make changes but it can be better because of it.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 07/10/2008 17:29

"They cuddled on his bed too."

Do you believe him?

I think that yes you have to do the STD clinic. Even if he is telling the truth (and he may be) it sends out a signal that you find it very very difficult to believe what he says now.

HappyWoman · 07/10/2008 17:33

Yes do the STD clinic and make him too.

The trust thing will not come easily but the first step is for him to show that he is willing to jump through whatever hoop you want him to.

Also fwiw i too apparently terrified the ow - didnt stop her though.

He needs to cut all contact - and he must not feel guilty she knew full well what she was getting into. And he should not feel guilty towards her - especially if they were ONLY friends - she will understand (yeah right).

Original poster
AreYouCallingMeDarling · 07/10/2008 17:37

He can't move job until he is posted in January.

It is not a popular posting and I asked if she had volunteered to go too. Apparently the only thing she has volunteered to do is to bow out of his life.

OP posts:
lizandlulu · 07/10/2008 17:45

well done for ringing her and being the stronger person

ladytophamhatt · 07/10/2008 18:28

cuddled in his bed??

what a crock of shit!

I wouldn't believe that for one second!!!

WhirlingStirling · 07/10/2008 18:40

Fwiw - I would get tested for std'd. I just went to the gp's and my doctor did the tests.

I would also struggle to believe that they had only cuddled. I would want it to be true but wouldn't be sure.

Well done for frightening ow.

Original poster
AreYouCallingMeDarling · 07/10/2008 18:51

I do believe that he wants to stay with me.

At that point there is nothing more I can do about believing the cuddling only thing.

I can't be sure

Will bring up the STD clinic thing when kids are in bed.

This is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fucking hard.

OP posts:
Anifrangapani · 07/10/2008 18:52

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

I went through similar, and as one of the peeps ^^ up there said - work out what you want and work towards that. It is very easy to say they are all bastards and should have their dicks sawn off with a blunt spoon, but if you want to have an ongoing relationship with him you need to not demonise him ( or her, as she has not betrayed your trust as he has) too much. I had revenge fantasies about OW, but have found the best revenge is to keep my dignity. Although when I see her looking like a miserable dumpy cow in our village ( yes the kids go to the same school) I smile extra wide, stick my tits out and suck my stomach in..... I am always rewarded by her looking more miserable.

It does get easier. 3 months on Dh and I are on the way to being stronger and better together than before. It has not been easy and has needed a lot of tears and shouting. He needs to listen to you and you need to listen to him.

I wish you both all the best in your long and rocky road ahead. xxxx

beanieb · 07/10/2008 18:54

Good for you for ringing her.

Anifrangapani · 07/10/2008 18:56

And another piece of advice, which is easy to say and not so easy to do in practice..... keep looking forward to where you are going to be. I found it really hard to stop torturing myself about what may have happened ( and my imagination is worse than reality I suspect) or what may happen in the future. There is not a lot that you can do to change that (especially the past ).

WinkyWinkola · 07/10/2008 19:07

Areyoucallingmedarling, you have got balls, that's for sure.

You're tackling this really well. You're amazing! You're not shying away from anything. You are terrifying because you're so forthright. The OW probably filled her pants when she heard your voice on the 'phone. Got to admire you.

I'm so so sorry that you're having to deal with this kind of mess though.

It doesn't seem honest but I really don't think that you should let your H think that you can stay together immediately. I think he really needs to sweat a lot and really understand how much he has risked with his silly frivolous behaviour.

Get the tests and call Relate to make counselling appointments. Even if you decide not to stay together, Relate are super (really super) at helping you reach that life decision.

I really hope that things get better for you very soon. It's miserable for you at the moment.