Is you dp, dh,dw your soulmate or a good fit?

[twinsetandpearls]

Just asking as dp and I are reaching a crossroads which is going to be make or break.

It was suggested on here the other week that it is unrealistic to look for a soulmate.

I have a man who is good to me, (usually but that is for another thread) , adores me and dd ( she is not his), works hard in and out of the home, would never cheat or act immorally, I fancy the pants of him and him me and we have things in common ( although perhaps more differences) Should that be enough or would you walk away from that for a soulmate?

[ActingNormal]

Have read most of this thread but not all, it seems to be growing so fast!

Something someone posted earlier made me think. They said something like are you feeling a need for excitement after the drama of all the difficult things that have happened recently.

A stressful and upsetting thing happened in my life a couple of years ago and I dealt with it fine for a while and kept 'sane' but then when the situation calmed down a bit and wasn't such a worry I seemed to lose it and become very depressed and overwhelmed and discontent with my life and looking for extra stimulation and feeling what I had was not enough. At the time I had a phone conversation with a mental health professional who was helping my brother, mainly about how he was getting on, but she said to me that the way I was feeling was a common thing that happens. She said that when the 'situation' first happened there was lots of stress and adrenaline and strong feelings and my brain would have got used to a higher level of certain chemicals. When it all calmed down my brain still wanted the same level of stimulation and wasn't getting it so I became depressed and discontented.

I didn't really believe her at the time but now I am feeling better I can see it. Could this be happening to you too?

[Northumberlandlass]

Wow - great topic and some really insightful posts.

I have always believed in Soulmates, but again it could be the whole 'fairytale' as I was growing up. I did meet a man who I believed to be my soulmate many MANY years ago. It was the most intense, most alive I have ever felt - but we just weren't meant to be, but knowing that I met him / loved him for a while is enough.

My DH and I have been together for 12 years and we have been through some pretty tough times and some immensely happy ones. I really don't know what I'd do without him. I don't want to imagine my life without him.

Richard Bach wrote a great book called a Bridge Across Forever about finding his soulmate, an excellent read....quite deep.

xx

[ghosty]

Does your soulmate have to be the person you are in love with/live with or marry? Can your soulmate be a friend or other member of your family?
I see 'soulmate' being someone who understands you, you understand them, same sense of humour, mutual respect, loads of time for eachother etc etc but doesn't HAVE to be your husband iyswim?
I don't believe my husband is my soulmate but I don't think that is a bad thing.

[citylover]

No man has ever treated me like a princess. but maybe I have screened those ones out in some way.

But I have met someone who I felt an immediate and intense connection with - would like to think he feels/felt it too.

We have had two spells of being together but have no idea whether I ever will meet someone who compares with him.

My exH I discovered I was completely uncompatible with (tho at first I thought I was).

I think the best scenario is when there is mutuality in a relationship not one loving more than the other. Because if you have that I think the one who loves less will feel that something is missing.

[sparklesandnowinefor3weeks]

When i was younger i felt my best male friend was my soulmate and he thought the same about me, we did try to have a relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend once but it just didn't work at all soulmates or not we just didn't fancy each other although we tried! he is still my best friend and soulmate in so many ways as he understands me very well

but i also feel DP is my soulmate as we (dare i say it!) connect in so many ways too he is my very best friend, my lover, the father of our children, we have the same sense of humour, we 'get' each other etc but we also have very different views on certain things, different friends, different interests. Its works for us, we love each other and i couldn't ever imagine my life without him

i don't believe that your soulmate has to be your DH/DP though

[twinsetandpearls]

That is very intersting actingnormal.

[zippitippitoes]

acting normal i dont know if it was my post originally but that was what i was thinking

i think that can happen

[twinsetandpearls]

We are stuck living together for at least 4 months as we are paying the mortgage on our house until it sells and have just signed a tenenacy agreement that we can't just walk out of. MOney is tight and we just cannot afford to set up another house. It is possible that dp could move back into our own home in Lancashire while dd and I stay here. But nothing permanent can be done until we sell the house. So we are taking 4 months to enter last chance saloon and fix what has gone wrong or go our seperate ways.

I know that my depression does colour my life but I really don;t feel as if anyone else expects less of me or thinks less of me because of my depression other than dp. At work and by my friends I am treated as me full stop not me with an illness. There are times when he tells me how lucky I am to have him and how other people would not run around after me or care for me as he does. That may be true but I don;t need to be told it. I suppose my soulmate will love me for my flaws not in spite of them.

I am trying to focus on the positives, tbh it is hard not too as everyone is always telling me how lucky I am to have him. Whether it be isn't workaholic twinset lucky to have a man at home with her daughter. Or isn't over emotional and moody twinset lucky to have a man so dependable and solid. Isn't untidy and scatty twinset lucky to have a man who tidies up after her. Isn't dumpy twinset lucky enough to have a handsome man?

[kerryk]

dont believe in the whole "soulmate" being in the right place at the right time crap.

i love my dh with all my heart, we have been together for 8 years and have 2 children together so he will always be a big part of my life whatever happens, but i still have around 60 years left on this planet (i hope ) and no-one knows what will happen in this time.

of course i want to grow old with him (why else would i have married him) but none of us know what tomorrow will bring, so as much as we like to plan for the future we cant expect it all to pan out that way.

[twinsetandpearls]

Fio but maybe the grass is greener and I should stop trying to feed my rather pathetic lawn with fertiliser and accept it is always going to be patchy and brown and move on. Perhaps took the analogy a bit far there.

Reading my posts back I am really tired and grumpy { that will be the depression again )and am going for a lie down as I am being very negative and it isn't fair to dp or you lot.

[QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow]

Mabye you can leave soulmate out of the equation totally and just simply say: It isnt really working with my husband, however, we have tried, but I would like to find somebody it CAN work with.

It doesnt have to be a soulmate. Simply another human being who loves you unconditionally and you the same with him.

[twinsetandpearls]

You are probably right, I think I am using the idea of a soulmate because everyone thinks dp is wonderful and that I am very lucky to have him. I know that if I do walk away people will not understand why.

[QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow]

They dont know the intimate details. Nobody really knows what goes on with a couple. From what you are saying, it sounds like things are not on a good track with you and him. He may BE wonderful. But that is not how it feals to you. That is REAL, that is what you have to go by. Do you think councelling will help?

[twinsetandpearls]

I suggested counselling and he assumed it was just for me, he feels no need to discuss a problem he feelsis not his.

[QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow]

Why not try go on your own? Maybe he chances his mind futher down the line? A problem with you as a couple IS also his problem, and him not seeing this, is actually part of the problem. Try telling him that!

[QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow]

changes, sorry

[twinsetandpearls]

I am planning to do that, will be looking into some counselling over half term.

[TrixieVix]

Only just stumbled across this, and am being lazy, so not going to read through 7 pages!!!

I agree with a quote I heard in Friends "I don't believe in soulmates, I believe we're best friends who work hard at our relationship. And sometimes we work VERY hard at it!!"

DH and I fit together perfectly - most people we meet say as much! I'm calm when he's worked up about something, I cook - he can't, we make each other laugh, I can tell him anything and fancy the arse off him!!

He's a good, kind, gentle man, loves me, DS and the dog - doesn't hit us, spends time doing things we like, doesn't drink to excess or gamble and is a good provider.

I don't think you can help who you fall in love with, but do believe I hit the jackpot with DH. Don't get me wrong - we've had our share of 'downs' when we've experienced job loss, money worries and illness, but we're stronger than ever as a result.

Just writing that down makes me realise how lucky I am!!

[twinsetandpearls]

"He's a good, kind, gentle man, loves me, DS and the dog - doesn't hit us, spends time doing things we like, doesn't drink to excess or gamble and is a good provider. "TrixieVix on Thu 09-Oct-08 09:17:37

I just want a bit more than someone who is kind, doesn;t hit me or gamble away our savings.

But I have accepted that this is my lot in life for the forseeable future and am trying to look on the positives. Not easy at the moment as we had a another huge row last night.

[hammouhouseofhorror]

Have only just come across your thread Twinset and it makes my heart hurt as it echoes so much of my own life.
I don't know how I got to this place in my life but got here kicking and screaming nonetheless. Saw it happening and tried to stop it. By the time H had realised how far down the line I had gone and started to try to do something about it, in my heart I had already let go.
But do I rip apart our family unit, and hurt so many people in the process? Because Of my feelings?
Everyone thinks my H is brilliant aswell and I am told I am lucky to have him.
Do I believe in soulmates? Yes, because I met somebody who makes me want to be all that I could ever be. Who makes the world stop spinning out of control, and yet at the same time I feel as if I am flying.
Fucked if I know what I'm going to do about it. Try not to think about it too much.
Try not to think at all.
I couldn't give you advice Twinset, but I suspect we all deserve to be truly happy, and hope you find a way to make the choices that bring you that happiness.

[twinsetandpearls]

If you don't me asking why are you not with your soulmate.

I am trying not to think about it now, going onto auto pilot.