Is you dp, dh,dw your soulmate or a good fit?

[twinsetandpearls]

Just asking as dp and I are reaching a crossroads which is going to be make or break.

It was suggested on here the other week that it is unrealistic to look for a soulmate.

I have a man who is good to me, (usually but that is for another thread) , adores me and dd ( she is not his), works hard in and out of the home, would never cheat or act immorally, I fancy the pants of him and him me and we have things in common ( although perhaps more differences) Should that be enough or would you walk away from that for a soulmate?

[eviz]

Twinset, I feel exactly like this. My DP is also uncommunicative to the extreme, and we have (well, I have) reached crisis point.

I have now decided that I am going to try to turn things around. I am totally sick of questioning everything, heavy conversations etc. So I have resolved to treat him like he IS my soulmate, the funniest guy alive. Going to try to put aside all the petty squabbling, the black moods etc and love him unconditionally. I don't know what time limit to put on it - but if things don't improve at least I can feel I've tried. (I've not shared my plan with him, btw)

Feels slightly artificial at the moment, and I'm having to bite my tongue like crazy, but it is starting to feel a little better.

I am taking the wise posts from beanieb and quintessence very seriously.

[Tinker]

Agree with MI on this. I generally find I agree with whatever she says about relationships.

If your relationship with your "soulmate" ended then are you not just romanticising it because you're going through a ropey patch?

[twinsetandpearls]

zippi he does not have these thoughts going on and I find it hard to understand how he can't.

Dp requested the separate rooms as I told him how I felt and that I was thinkng of leaving and he said that under those circumstances he did not want to share a bed. Last night after a lovely day togther and watching a very odd mumsnet recomendation film we were slept togther but no sex even though I would have willingly taken part . I can see dp point of view to be honest although if we are to salvage what we have we need to go back to sharing a bed. Sex was very important in our relationship.

Beanie the grumpiness started before I suggested that I thought we had no future but I am certain he must have picked up on something.

Quintessance I am thinking that right now I would swop my handsome man who makes my loins ache for someone I could intellectually spa with (God that sounds poncey but never mind) You are right though about a soulmate not being romantic I once had a make friend with whom I shared everything but there was no attraction there. But he wanted a romantic relationship and in the end he said he could not go on seeing me as it hurt to much. Loosing that friendship broke my heart.

[DrNortherner]

Oh twinset poor you - sounds like you are going through the mill a bit.

I don't think soulmates really do exist, I think women who look for one could be looking for ever. I think there are a number of men who we could love/fancy/respect. We choose one, we live together and sometimes people change.

I loves, fancy, adore and respect my dh and him me, but sometimes when he has had a grumpy bastard spell I have doubted us as a couple. All men are capable of being grumpy twats, it is in their genes, and sometimes it just comes out and it is so hard to live with.

I hear where you come from with the politics. I too am an active and staunch member of the labour party, and him a Tory which has caused many heated debates.

What I am trying to say is, we have had hard times, but come through them and you guys might too? Marriage is about sticking around is it not? Riding the tough and the smooth?

I truly hope it will sort itself out, as he sounds like from your description a nice guy.



How would you feel if you left hi? PIcture him with another woman.....

[ScummyMummy]

Does he believe in soul mates?

This thread is making me think about that Joni Mitchell song about not knowing what you got till it's gone, paving paradise and putting up a parking lot.

You both sound fab, tsap. You fancy each other, recognise that each other is lovely while respecting that you are also different in some ways, are great parents...

If I believed in soul matery I would think that was pretty much it, tbh.

[twinsetandpearls]

He thinks I am his soulmate but I suspect oir definitions are different.

[Beachcomber]

I have a soulmate; she is my best friend and my eldest child's godparent (or civil equivalent).

Then there's DH, I love him, sometimes hate him, laugh with him, sometimes understand him, sometimes don't. Sometimes wonder why I bother, sometimes marvel at how lucky I am to be with him. Have been through ups and downs, he's a good man and when we're good we're great. When we're bad we're shit.

I don't think I really believe in the couple/soulmate thing. I think a real proper grown up relationship has so many facets to it and so much personal baggage that "soulmate" just doesn't cut it.

What exactly is a soulmate anyway and what use is it? Sounds very Wuthering Heights to me.......

[QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow]

I think your problem is more analytical and intellectual than practical. I think you are looking for something unrealistic. You are looking for something which may or may not be there. Something that is harder to find than love. Finding love is hard enough, without adding the soulmate into the equation.

I must say, (without being bigheaded in any way) that I was moderately intelligent, and of quite high intellectual aspirations when I met my dh. I studied philosophy at Master level and I was always theorizing and debating. I was young, I was an idealist, and saw value in art, culture and endless debating and analyzing. My dh was not like that. He is now. I am not. It is fine. He has developed a really sharp intellect over the years, a skill for debate and conversation steering, a sense of logic the defies my logic. He has become the man I longed for him to be when I was a lot younger. But I find that I am no longer on par with that ideal, and I find myself lacking. Be careful what you uproot your family for.

[zippitippitoes]

yes i think there is something in what quitn says

i was an intellectual type

and i am not so much now

i sense bf is

but more in a clever way than a deep way

[beanieb]

What is your definition of soulmate ? Sorry if I missed you posting it already.

Also - have you always had this definition and if so did your partner ever fit it?

[berolina]

What Beachcomber said. More or less word for word. (Are you me? )

Also what Cappuccino said at 19:12.

dh and I have had hugely swooning romantic phases and exceptionally bumpy ones, plus a near miss with splitting up, but time and troubles have reinforced our knowledge, without fireworks and sparks and soulmatery, that we are in this together for life, and that is an oddly exciting thought in itself - and a deeply satisfying one.

[QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow]

Actually.
Are you looking for something YOU used to be rather than something a partner should be?

Is it that you have lost yourself?

Sorry, if I am way off the mark.

But I sometimes try to change my life and my sorry existence, without realizing it is I that should change, or without realizing that it is I that have changed so much that the situation is not looking the same as it once did.

[beanieb]

BTW - I love what the counsellor said. Think less, do more. It's advice I could do with taking.

[traceybath]

I don't personally believe in soulmates - i just think its too random - and too depressing to think there's just one perfect person out there for you but because you weren't in the right place at the right time you missed them.

As others have said i think there are various people who its possible to have a loving and happy relationship with.

Your relationship sounds pretty good to me - ok you have some issues at the moment but all long term relationships have issues particularly when there are external stressful factors.

But i know with me that deep down i always know if i'm in the right relationship - may take me a while to rationalise this intellectually but if its wrong i'd move on. However if its just a bad patch then try and put things right. I am the person though who took 18 months to end last relationship after deciding it was wrong - i had to be sure!

[Beachcomber]

Don't know if I am you berolina but am certainly getting your post.

I call it "fireworks and washing up".

Or "Romance worthy of a film and squabbling over the remote control".

Actually I think we are on the normal side of lucky, or the lucky side of normal depending on mood/PMT/whether DH has rinsed the shower properly/power of orgasm, etc......

[DrNortherner]

"Then there's DH, I love him, sometimes hate him, laugh with him, sometimes understand him, sometimes don't. Sometimes wonder why I bother, sometimes marvel at how lucky I am to be with him. Have been through ups and downs, he's a good man and when we're good we're great. When we're bad we're shit."

Beachcomber sums it up perfectly imo.

[snowleopard]

I think DP is in some ways not a good fit (eg we have very different messiness levels, different ways of communicating and often disagree) and yet he is my soulmate if there is such a thing. In that I can't believe how closely we share so many values and passions - right down to some extremely unusual povs, and very niche interests. I do think "How did I stumble across him - how lucky!" And I fancy him too.

But if you think something is missing, that must come from somewhere. Not necessarily him - could you be depressed or have some unresolved things to sort out with him? It's worth looking into all that because sometimes a feeling of rejecting your OH can stem from the fact that it's easy to pin any sense of dissatisfaction on them, when it might be something else.

[mybumpsaboy]

I heard a quote in a really cheesey film the other day:

"I'd rather fight with you than make love to anyone else"

I think if you really genuinely feel like that about someone then they're probably your "soulmate"...the one that makes you stop even fractionally doubting if there could be anyone better.

So no, he prob isn't yours because you're questioning it.

But I do think a lot of good, kind men who make for wonderful, stable relationships are not necessarily everything you've ever dreamed of and more....

think carefully before throwing a really good thing away - if you already feel like you once had a "soulmate" & he got away, chances are u wont find one like that again...& no point ruining the future because of hangups on the past

[zippitippitoes]

would it be at all possible that you are bored?

[QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow]

Maybe what you need is actually a bestest female friend? Maybe that will fill your need?

[Szyslak]

I don't beleive in soulmates at all.

The idea that there is only one other soul out there to complete yours and be your mate?? If that were true it would be a bloody miracle if you ever found them. Lucky they're not chinese (this is because it would make it less likely for you to meet and not because I have anything against chinese poelpe you understand).

If you believe in soulmates you must believe in some kind of pre destiny, which to me is
a) utter claptrap
and
b) utterly depressing if true.

So, no, Dh is not my soulmate. but he is the man I love, respect, like, and most importantly have made a lifelong commitment to.

It could have been someone else. I'm sure there are lots of men I could love, like, respect and choose to make a lifelong commitment to (Ok maybe not lots but certainly more than 1), but I didn't, I chose to love and commit to this man.

[twinsetandpearls]

Bored generally or bored with dp. I get restless very quickly.
Perhaps quintessence which is maybe why this has come to light after we have moved away from friends.

[snowleopard]

Well obviously it's rubbish statistically, that you have only one soulmate out there - because then only one in a squizillion of us would ever meet them. But you can still be with someone who feels like a soulmate.

[joshhollowayspieceofass]

Twinset - have missed a fair bit as I drove home from work and put the dc's to bed.

I once had someone tell me to stop living in my head so much, and so starting living in my body. I thought it was odd and I couldn't quite connect to it until I really tried it, and I could see what they meant. I suppose, it's why people meditate - to get rid of all that noise in your head.

I really sense that, with everything that has happened to you (I thought there must be some serious trauma lurking) you have both done incredibly well to weather the storm. From everything you say, I can't help but think that this relationship is worth some effort to bring it back on track.

Don't take this the wrong way, as I know I am often guilty of this myself, but is there anyway the whole announcement of maybe leaving your DP has been a bit of an attention seek, or a cry for help? Were you in earnest when you said it, or were you hoping to shock him out of his current ennui/general funk and make him realise that the situation is serious?

If he loves you like you say, no wonder he was so hurt and suggested separate rooms. I would rectify this asap if it's possible.

Can you think back to things you used to do together and try and go back to one of these activities? A shared passion?

Other than that, you may need to try and address your depression if you haven't already. I suffered it and it was the worst strain ever on DH. He was never allowed any problems - mine were always far greater, more dramatic. There were times I couldn't even get off the sofa of a weekend to take the dc's out, even though I work all week FT and hardly see them. It was ghastly. I was surprised DH's patience lasted as long as it did.

Am possibly rambling now, but your post has really touched me, and I just hope somewhere in all these posts you get the insight you're looking for.

[HowlingattheFullMOONMother]

The majority of females are bought up with the notion of 'fairytales' , finding Prince Charming and living happy ever after etc etc.

The majority of females over analyse all their relationships(not just romantic ones)

I, in past relationships have done all the above.

When I split with my DC father 5 years ago, I finally realised life is real, romance is nice yes but love isn't airy fairy, mills and boon type love.

Real love is being there for each other through good and bad, through excitment and mundane experiences.

3 years ago I found a man, willing to take not just me but my 2 Dc on as his own, reschedule all the career plans he'd had, and have his world completley turned upside down.

I know he is the man for me, and that we are incredibly lucky to have found each other. 'Soulmate' is just a word.

If your man makes you smile, does thoughtful things (when he remembers to) for you, is there for you through good times and bad ....then be thankful, appreciate what you do have, not what you imagine is missing.