Is you dp, dh,dw your soulmate or a good fit?

[twinsetandpearls]

Just asking as dp and I are reaching a crossroads which is going to be make or break.

It was suggested on here the other week that it is unrealistic to look for a soulmate.

I have a man who is good to me, (usually but that is for another thread) , adores me and dd ( she is not his), works hard in and out of the home, would never cheat or act immorally, I fancy the pants of him and him me and we have things in common ( although perhaps more differences) Should that be enough or would you walk away from that for a soulmate?

[twinsetandpearls]

I love the Noah's ark quote as well.

Yes he does think I am a dreamer.

I do suffer from depression and we have been through as a couple two years of hell To give a quick whistle stop tour he lost both of his parents, one was suicide blamed on us, we lost a baby, I had a huge breakdown, we have moved house, my grandma died a few weeks ago and some money issues.

I am suffering from that feeling where everything is irritating. I also know that he has to act sometimes as my carer and that it can be difficult to be lover, partner, friend and carer.

I don't think he has dealt with the grief of loosing his parents last year, that is where much if the anger came from other than the normal rows everyone has.

[twinsetandpearls]

What do you mean by existential crisis?

[onlyjoking9329]

you don't have to be the same and have the same outlook to be soulmates, you may as well just buy yourself a mirror.
steve and i had different approaches and different tastes but we had the same wishes dreams and values, we were soulmates everyone knew that, when i chose his funeral flowers the florist showed me the husband ones, i chose to have "soulmate"

[twinsetandpearls]

Zippi before we moved I had people I could discuss my passions with so as to lighten the load for dp But here it is just us two so it is as if there is a spotlight revealing our cracks.

[zippitippitoes]

well you have been through a lot of stress

feeling irritated with everything if it were me could be a sign that i was needing to find a way of calming down and thinking less

[twinsetandpearls]

Onlyjoking I have discussed this with dp and he sees this as another manifestation of my airy fairy ways and he said that it sounds as if I want to live with a mirror rather than another person.

[zippitippitoes]

existential crisis

what is my life about is this it etc

[twinsetandpearls]

lol zippi a counsellor told me years ago I would be much happier if I thought less and did more!

[twinsetandpearls]

Existential crisis sums up where I am exactly.

[zippitippitoes]

also trying to simultaneous think about everything that has ever hapopened in your life and might in the future

is very bad

yes thinking less is possibly a good idea

[expatinscotland]

i agree with zippi. my mother once told me she thought a lot more people were unhappy nowadays because 'they think too goddamned much'.

i have to say, i have come to agree with her.

look at men. do they overthink and overanalyse things all the time? nah, for the most part they don't.

[Upwind]

I don't believe in soulmates. I love my DH wholeheartedly, we are good to one another and we are very happy together. We hope to stay that way till death do us part. But if it did, I hope he could be just as happy with someone else and vice versa. We are a good fit, but there are plenty of others out there that either of us could have been a good fit with.

You must both still be reeling from all you've been through. Maybe just try and enjoy what you've got for now and give yourselves a chance to heal. There will be time to reassess in the future.

[zippitippitoes]

i suffer from repeated bouts of existential crisis and thinking too much

i can unequivocally say it leads to bad things

[Flamebat]

I have this whole pyramid scheme.

I believe in the whole romantic soul mate - someone completely fitting your half scenario. But I am also a realist and know that finding them at the right time, realising it, or indeed ever finding them is unlikely! Perfect fits are fabulous, but very rare.

BUT, there are a hell of a lot of other bits floating around, many are like that puzzle piece that nearly fits if you shove it hard enough or squint slightly. Most happy marriages imo are this - they fit nearly perfectly, as good as soul mate as you're going to get.

You have been through a hell of a lot this last couple of years (what you have said on this thread, and from knowing you from a distance on here). Even the nearest matches will be struggling by now.

It sounds from here like you are a very good match, just having a bloody hard time. You can work through it, you sound like you want to, it will just take time, patience and understanding for both of you. And a hell of a lot of hugs and holding hands - gentle, loving contact always helps.

[Upwind]

Zippi is wise

[ScummyMummy]

Agree with zippi and mi re soulmates. Splodgy is about right.

I think your partner sounds like a very special and lovely man from what you've said on here and from things he said when you weren't well. Is it a bit annoying that he was so great during that awful time?

I must say that, though I don't really believe in the concept of soulmates, I would be very hurt to find a thread started by my partner on an internet site to say that I was not his soulmate. Would it be worth name changing for threads like this or do you want to test his mettle by having him see your doubts written out in black and white?

[zippitippitoes]

this reminds me of when i was 18 and had been living rough with bf in cornwall for several weeks...i had a row with my bf and walked away and he byelled after me

you are just a fucking dreamer

true assessment actually

(this is the guy who has tracked me down and sent aletter wanting to know what i am doing now...33 years later...still dreaming actually)

i think you have to make sure you arent putting yourself under too much pressure

do some physical activity as a family

or anything where you concentrate on the action rather than dwelkling on your own thoughts

[ladytophamhatt]

it depends on what my PMT is like on a week by week basis.

When its full scale PMT rage its minute by minute basis.....

[Peachy]

'Zippi before we moved I had people I could discuss my passions with so as to lighten the load for dp But here it is just us two so it is as if there is a spotlight revealing our cracks. '

That sounds so much like us when we moved here! It was bizarre- we'd gone from a palce where DH was normal with his carnival obsession and I was an over-thinking academic freak (as my sister put it) to a place where my friends were on the same course as me and DH was beyomnd freak- heck nobody here had even heard of his hobby!

he found that really hard, I found his resultant need to talk to / at / with me constantly about the carnivals strange, hard and made me wonder wheat we had in common.

The thing we had in common was our enthusiasm for our interests. It just took a long time to suss that.

We've been here 3 years now and DH is just feelin as if he is fiotting in. It takes time.

[twinsetandpearls]

Scummymummy I have not said anything on here that I have not also said to dp.

[zippitippitoes]

you have only moved recently so you have a lot on your plate with new job etc

and presumablky dp also has a new job

[twinsetandpearls]

Zippi dp said something similar to me last night, he said I think we just need to get the tent out. When we are being active as a family and doing things together we are invincible as a family unit.

Scummy my memory of how wonderful he was when I had meltdown is one of the things keeping me here. I am in no doubt I have a special man, but I do wonder if he is a special man meant for me.

[Upwind]

John Stuart Mill once said, ?Ask yourself if you are happy and you cease to be so.?

I tend to over think everything. But if you try and concentrate on your own happiness or your own relationship you only become more and more aware of the bad bits. It is better when you can absorb yourself in other things - hobbies, DC, work or whatever. Filling time with activities you can enjoy as a family rather than this destructive analysis.

[twinsetandpearls]

zippi dp has the same job but is working from home so it is new in a way.

[twinsetandpearls]

A very true quote upwind.