Is you dp, dh,dw your soulmate or a good fit?

[twinsetandpearls]

Just asking as dp and I are reaching a crossroads which is going to be make or break.

It was suggested on here the other week that it is unrealistic to look for a soulmate.

I have a man who is good to me, (usually but that is for another thread) , adores me and dd ( she is not his), works hard in and out of the home, would never cheat or act immorally, I fancy the pants of him and him me and we have things in common ( although perhaps more differences) Should that be enough or would you walk away from that for a soulmate?

[Beachcomber]

Wise question Quintessence.

We can't expect one person to be too much for us.

I'm sure my relationship with DH is still on the go, partly because I have a wonderful female friend who gives me what he can' t. Don't want to speak for her but I think she would say the same. (And we both have lovely partners that we have good relationships with).

Can't expect too much from one person. Networks.

[twinsetandpearls]

I announced I wanted to leave after dp had been a serious twat for a while. For some time now he has been shouting at me every day abd has made some very hurtful comments. But in his defence I have also done that.

I would like him to change or realise how bad things have got but I don't think they will so I am serious when I say I want to leave.

The depression is under control, but what I find hard is that because I have depression I must always be wrong or the one over reacting.

[zippitippitoes]

bored with dp i meant

or wanting something more exciting generally

thop you obviously want a high level of excitement as you have had a lot happen recently

but maybe this is the consequence you should be settling down now to enjoy some calm

but you dont like that too much at the moment?

and so you are feeliong discontented and craving more adrenalin

[QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow]

Twinset, maybe that is it, you did not notice this so much when you had your friends around, somebody to chat with, sparr with, debate with, etc. Now you may simply be trying to fit too many roles into your dh.

As you may know, I recently moved away from what was my home for 15 years, and my circle of good friends were of course left behind. It is easy to look to dh for more than before. I miss my friends. I miss dinners out and long conversation. I am here a lot more than I did before.

[twinsetandpearls]

That is probably true Quintessence.

[LaDiDaDi]

I don't get this whole soulmate idea really.

I love dp. Sometimes he is a shit. Sometimes I recognise that I wind him up or react in such a way as to heighten his shit behaviour.

I love him and fancy him and I believe that he feels the same about me.

We have nearly split up and the thought of it hollowed me out inside in some awful, awful way.

We are together and I hope that we will grow old together, I told him tonight that when he's old and dying I expect his final words to be "I love you and I'm so grateful that you made me go on holidays." (he hates holidays/flying and says that he only does it because he loves me and dd).

TSAP I would really agree with everyone who has suggested that you think a little less and live your life with dp a little more. You have had a rough time but you have supported each other and lots of big changes will still be settling down. Sometimes huge change, moving and new job, can make us re-evaluate our whole lives and partners in a positive way or just make us long for greener grass that doesn't really exist.

[twinsetandpearls]

Howling dp has turned his whole life upside down for me and dd, I know that whatever i asked of him he would do it. But it does need to be 2 ways, there is more to a relatioship than one person doing whatever the other one wants

[pagwatch]

my Dh is fab and I could never imagine being with anyone else. There is no one in the world with whom I feel so totally myself as him.
He is a great dad, a great provider and companion - loving , funny kind, thoughtful.
Everything I could wish for in a partner and a frind and lover.
A fabulous man

But we have had times when we could have split because of really stupid stuff. Where we were lucky was having a crisis in our marriage that made us decide if our life together was something we actively wanted and therefore worked at. Or something we took for granted and could allow to drift.

I think that so few people realise that if a relationship is drifting it is because you have both,on some level , chosen that.
It is easy to come home and treat your partner like they cat but much harder to choose to care about them and consider and support them.
If you expect a sudden wave of love to wash over you it won't. You have to be together and do thethings that you enjoy and which create that spark of interest and concern and passion.
It isn't about soulmates - it is about choosing every day to care aboout each other.
The great thing is it is so worth it

[joshhollowayspieceofass]

I can only add to what Quintessence has said about moving away from your friends. My mother left my father for 2 years when they moved away from the town they'd raised a family in and lived for 20 years. Mum was friendless, and a very social animal. She turned all her frustrations on him and he was terribly unsympathetic and pragmatic about the whole thing (why didn't she join some clubs etc etc).

She lost 3 stone, started smoking again, and realised her life was kind of just as crappy without my dad. 80% of her difficulties lay within her own dissatisfaction with her lot. 20% lay with her anger over how poorly my dad supported her and understood her. They were similar extremes of social animal/extrovert and homebody/enjoys his own company.

I"m not saying this is you. I just re tell their story in the hope it sheds some light. They got back together. It was never perfect, but I suspect all along they never had what you guys have clearly had at some point. They were good friends and companions until he died recently. But no, there was no great love affair there, but I don't think there ever was.

[twinsetandpearls]

So perhaps there is more to life than looking for a soulmate and I should think less. I still need to consider if I can live with a man who shouts, looks at me in disdain or rolls his eyes at me every day.

[joshhollowayspieceofass]

I can only add to what Quintessence has said about moving away from your friends. My mother left my father for 2 years when they moved away from the town they'd raised a family in and lived for 20 years. Mum was friendless, and a very social animal. She turned all her frustrations on him and he was terribly unsympathetic and pragmatic about the whole thing (why didn't she join some clubs etc etc).

She lost 3 stone, started smoking again, and realised her life was kind of just as crappy without my dad. 80% of her difficulties lay within her own dissatisfaction with her lot. 20% lay with her anger over how poorly my dad supported her and understood her. They were similar extremes of social animal/extrovert and homebody/enjoys his own company.

I"m not saying this is you. I just re tell their story in the hope it sheds some light. They got back together. It was never perfect, but I suspect all along they never had what you guys have clearly had at some point. They were good friends and companions until he died recently. But no, there was no great love affair there, but I don't think there ever was.

[Hassled]

"The depression is under control, but what I find hard is that because I have depression I must always be wrong or the one over reacting" - but is that your DP's view or do you actually believe it as well? I ask because I have a DD (19) who has suffered from depression and she's said virtually the same thing, not about me or anyone else but because she's assumed that about herself. And it's bollocks, frankly. If your instinct is to feel that you must be over-reacting (as you presumably used to do) then you're never going to relax and like and trust yourself.

And that's the crux of your OP - you don't need a soulmate if you like yourself enough. I love my DP very much but there is plenty about him I dislike sometimes - and that doesn't matter if I'm happy with who I am. It's taken me years to this work out, and I'm very aware that I sound like some self-help book shite, so sorry.

[zippitippitoes]

only you can tell i think

hard as it is no one knows what your relationship is like except you

or what you are thinking

[JodieG1]

I don't believe that life is set out for you but I do still believe in soul mates, I don't think that we all meet them though. I'm unsure about some aspects of life though and I think I believe in reincarnation, maybe we knew our soul mates in another life? I don't know but I do like to discuss and think about things like that, it's interesting to me.

I never used to believe in soul mates and my husband definitely wasn't mine, we were together for 10 years and had 3 children together but split up a few months ago after I realised things would never change or get any better.

I'm happier now than I've been in many years and I realise how bad it actually was.

[zippitippitoes]

i think if you have mental health problems then deciding where you are on the spectrum of normal thinking and normal behaviour and relationshipos is really hard

you constantly quesrion yourself and as well as being exhausting the answers remain permanently elusive

(zippi projects intense;ley on this thread)

[twinsetandpearls]

Hassled it is his view, if we ever fall out it is because I am depressed, not because sometimes he can be a twat - as can I.

Infact if anything goes wrong it is my fault.

[ScummyMummy]

So true, zippi.

"The depression is under control, but what I find hard is that because I have depression I must always be wrong or the one over reacting."

I think that's what I meant a bit with the is it annoying that he was so supportive when you were acutely ill, tsap. I can imagine finding that v hard. Are you getting any follow up care from a CMHT where you can discuss things like that?

[ScummyMummy]

I meant zippi's 20:48:03 post was so true, btw. It's not like we know your relationship as you do.

Her recent post is pretty spot on too though.

[twinsetandpearls]

I have moved so am getting no support from CMHT. But I really don;t think this is just about my illness or even partly about it, it is about how well suited two people are. It is the same thing again my relationship hits the rocks so it has to be caused by my illness, well maybe we just are not meant to be togther,

[ScummyMummy]

I don't think it's all about your illness either. But I do think it's possible that you feel a bit stigmatised by your illness in terms of your concerns being taken seriously by him, perhaps.

[zippitippitoes]

ti isnt a case of blame tho

it is all the things that make up who we are which are pretty complex and then we meet someone make a relationship with them and the complexity is compounded

[Hassled]

I can sort of see how he's got there - I know it's a completely different sort of relationship but having supported my DD through her severe depression it did take me way too long to get to the point where I believed that actually, emotions she was expressing were valid for anyone and were completely unrelated to her previous depression (and even after I'd got my head around the difference, she was still blaming quite normal and rational feelings on depression, as I said). I feel very guilty about it now, but you do get stick in a certain mindset.

I think you need to put aside the whole souldmate/good fit stuff and just decide whether or not you can imagine being with him for 20 years + with him as he is now. Then try to evaluate how likely he is to change, and if that will be enough for you to be happy with him.

[EachPeachPearMum]

Cannot comment on the soulmate thing, as DH is my soulmate, but TSAP- you have been through some major upheavals in the last 12 mo, and I think you need time to adjust to a new home, job, and life.
And seriously, depression does colour one's way of thinking, even when we're 'well' it has warped the way we see the world, though we're not always aware of that.
Please take some time before making any huge decisions- you need to get used to your new life first! And go easy on yourself

[ActingNormal]

You have gone through so much! Now probably isn't a good time to make big decisions about your future as you may not be as rational as normal. Could you give yourself a break from worrying about it until you are feeling better about everything that has happened? Maybe if you are the type that thinks a lot though, you can't do this as you can't relax until you have it straight in your mind.

Just trying to think what my definition of soulmate would be - someone who you feel understands what you are talking about and can imagine/feel what you are feeling. Someone who you feel comfortable being with and don't feel you have to act like someone else. Ha ha my therapist fits this description but I don't want to marry him! My DH doesn't always understand what I'm talking about and doesn't like it if I talk about problems for too long. I used to worry that I couldn't talk to him about everything for as much time as I wanted to before he got cross and if that meant he wasn't 'the one'. By my definition, DH is not my soulmate! but I am wondering if your soulmate has to be the same person as your DH or if your soulmate can be a close friend or therapist and your DH can fulfil your other needs? If all your needs are being fulfilled by someone does it matter?

I stopped talking to DH about my problems as much, knocked it off his list of roles, and concentrated on the other things in the relationship. I was also coming through a bad time and doubting my marriage but started making an effort to notice the things we have got rather than haven't and started treating him how I wanted him to treat me and he gradually started returning it more. He has even started talking to me more about my problems again but I am careful not to overload him.

I sense that you are feeling a kind of discontent the same as I was, feeling what if there should be something more. The more I've focussed on appreciating what I've got and showing him my appreciation of him (and then receiving it back) the more content I feel. A thought that really helps me is that I don't know anyone who has a relationship that I would rather have than the one I've got. I am feeling very happy with him at the moment and not feeling any need to look elsewhere.

[ChairmumMiaow]

I think DH is the best fit I could get - but I don't think I believe in soulmates - that suggests an idea of inevitability and seems to discount hard work to me.

I married a man who loves me, who I love. We share some interests, and have lots of separate ones. I think the important thing is that we can live with each other's faults day to day (and until I had DS we had lived and worked together for years - so been together 24/7 sometimes).

TBH I think soulmates is an idea out of a mills and boon book. Its a nice fantasy but in reality, marriage is about commitment, discussion and hard work. However good your marriage is, some days you don't like your partner, but in the scheme of things, those days don't matter.