A relationship between two 14 year olds.

[SparetheDetails]

Posted this in teenagers but it sort of fits here too.

DS1 has been seeing the same girl since he was 12, he's now 14 and they are as inseperable now as they were at the beginning. They're together all the time. She spends ALOT of time here, her parents don't seem to give a toss what she does.

Anyway we were recently talking about booking our next holiday, Florida in a villa and DS suddenly said "oh, please mum...can we take (we'll call her Katie)"?

I said "don't be daft, I can't afford to pay for another one for a start and her parents are hardly going to let her jet off to America with people they don't know!" so he said "no, I mean if they pay, they'll let her, I know they will, please can I ask?" I honestly didn't think they'd agree so I said "ok, ask but don't hold your breath".

So he asked and they said yes he was so excited he actually started crying and she cried (they couldn't be more 'emo' if they tried!) and I just didn't have the heart to say no. They're both very good kids, quiet, hard working, never in trouble...is it really such a bad idea?

Only trouble is, the villa is only 3 bedroomed. Meaning they'd have to share a room. He parents when I spoke to them actually said they don't mind this as they're sensible in other words I think they were saying "as long as she doesn't come back pregnant we don't really care".

DH has suggested that we should let them share a room as they have earnt our trust so far but they're 14! they do act older but...please someone, someone inpartial talk some sense about this whole thing. I'm so confused about what to do for the best.

girlnextdoor theres nothing wrong with teenage mums, as my name suggests I'm not a teenager now but was when I had DD, and tbh DH and I are in a better position than most of our friends who are just having children. I'm fed up with people thinking young parent =bad parent. In regard to the post I would not have let Katie come on holiday, and would not let them share a room if she did. If its a villa there will be a sofa DS can sleep on that.

Isnt the whole idea of letting them share a room just going to put pressure on them to actually have sex?

It is night, they are all alone, they are in separate beds, one pops over for a kiss and a cuddle, and of course hormones are racing!

I had my boyfriend sleep over when I was 15, but in the guest room. We were not allowed to sleep in the same room. I am glad we werent. This was a boundary that I was very happy to have, it was a message from my parents that sex was not ok. I did not feel ready for full sex then. But I probably would have had, if we had slept in the same room.

I think responsible thing to do is let them have separate rooms. Teenagers WILL NOT necessarily have sex anyway, not if one of them is uncertain. And you must ensure that the uncertain one has a way out, his or her own safe sleeping quarter where they will NOT be overcome by lust.

What will happen after the trip? What if they fall out? Will one of them say that the other forced them to have sex? Will one of them say that they were pushed to sex and felt unsafe because they shared rooms? And what if she actually DOES get pregnant?
This can go either way?

Quintessentialshadow has listed some very serious and IMO relevant 'what ifs'

What if this girl felt pressured into having sex by the boy and then accidently got pregnant? And then blamed the op for putting them together in the same room, with no arrangement for her to have her own sleeping area away from temptation? Considering the teenagers are underage, if the girl later complained, wouldn't the OP be in trouble with the police?

I cannot believe anyone can condone this sharing rooms arrangement tbh. I am not saying that all 14 year old coulpes who share a room will end up having sex with each other - I do accept that they have emotional intelligence and some may be mature for their age - but think about all those sensible adults who go on holiday, then have flings or do something totally out of character. The idea of a holiday is that it takes you out of your normal life.

I think it verges on the abusive (and I do not say this lightly) to so strongly enable 14 year olds to have sex like this and potentially mess up their lives.

I also agree with whoever said that the op's ds may need to have time away from being part of a couple (and the girlfriend too) - the holiday gives both a chance to have this.

If their relationship is as strong as they think and they are mature, then two weeks separation is not going to break it.

What happens in a few years time if they both want to go to different universities? Will the parents condone them making compromises on their academic futures to be together?

I say this because this is what I did. After I did 'A' levels, I turned down my university place because it meant leaving my boyfriend (who was living at my home). My mother was quite relieved as she did not want me to go away either. I was just too scared to be alone in a strange town - I had got out of practice in making friends and being on my own. I felt really out of synch with other people my age because I had been part of a living together couple. I just couldn't make the break.

I spent a year doing dead end typing jobs then, thankfully, realised how bored and trapped I was (ironically while I was on holiday with my boyfriend) and made a last minute application to my local polytechnic to do a degree. So I ended up studying for a degree whilst living at home. It worked ok, but I was terribly nervous to begin with. However being a student on the course gave me the inpetus to end the relationship with my boyfriend and then to move home.

Girlnextdoor- I think it may be a generation view between yourself and I. I may have had my child in my 20's but i'm a good mum, we own our own house, run two cars. DP is also 21. He works and i do volentary breastfeeding work whilst looking after our ds. My life isn't ruined we are very happy and even though i fell pregnant by accident. I wouldn't put a blanket ban on teen sex as long as they are informed and use double protection (condom, pill).

I think i am in a better position than many mums who have wait to have children emotionally, physically and finacially. After all age is just a number. It's all on the individual.

I think i have a better idea of what teens get up to because it was only 2 years ago that i was a teen. Thats why i'd prefer to be open with my dcs as they grow up. Sex really doesn't bother me. As long as everyone involved is concenting and well informed. I wouldn't go arround promoting sex between 14 year olds. But if they were already having sex then i would prefer to know. I would also prefer they were doing it in the house than outside somewhere or drunk at party (where there it is more likely for the sex to be crap and unsafe). Sex is ment to enjoyable at whatever age. I think someone mentioned cervical cancer and the increased risk if you are sexually active from a younger age. If you explained this to your dd and that the risk is only higher if bodily fluids are passed i'm sure that would be another reason to make sure to use a condom along with stds and pregnancy.

Like i said i would prefer for my kids to be having safe sex in the house than getting drunk at a party or a friends and having sex. Or shagging outdoors somewhere and trust me this does happen. Surely it's a better experience losing your virginity to a long term partner at 15 than to random one night stand at 19?

All the mums that are saying NO to them sharing a room and think my views are odd. Do you/ have you/ will you talk/talked openly about sex to your possibly sexually active children?

Did/will/have you mentioned

That sex can be really loving and an amazing way to get close to someone you love. It can also be crap and disapointing and leave you feeling used and hurt. Sex can hurt and is rarely good first time. That boys/men can get over excited and you may never even get to the sex part. That women don't orgasm as often as men. That it's ok not to be in the mood for sex when your partner may be. That you may have sex and really not enjoy it and may decide to wait before you try again. That you don't have to have sex untill your ready. Oral sex can't get you pregnant but can give you stds. That sperm is ment to taste salty and vaginal juices are ment to taste sour.
The age of concent is there for a reason. But if you are thinking of having sex early you must make sure to use condoms and be on the pill.
If you ever feel that you are in truble it is ok to talk to me because i won't be cross i will help you. If you have sex and you are female you are not a slut. You must respect the women you sleep with or you will not be respected. Sex is something to be enjoyed but not entered into lightly.

I wonder how many teens are scared of talking to their parents when they are in trouble or thinking of having sex?

At least i know mine wont be. And feel the chances of them getting into trouble are reduced because they will be informed and feel that they can talk to me. I respect that everyone has different views on the matter and i'm sure the OP will do what works for both the families of the teens.

Why dont you simply say, you will think about it, and if the youngesters still want to holiday together next year, it should be possible to add her to the booking.

It is a big responsibility to take a teenager with you so far away, and a decision you cant make lightly, so you prefer to get to know her parents better if you do this, and also need to be certain that they still want to holiday together when the time comes.

This way, you are not tying yourself up a year in advance, and you have a whole year to monitor the situation and get to know the parents of the girl too. You dont have to decide now, but ask the travel agent if it would be possible to add another person to the booking later, and when your deadline for adding is.

Why don't you talk to your son about 'where their realtionship is?' I don't know about you, but I could talk to my children about all these things. They would even ask for my guidance but I had a very open relationship and still do, and believe me its the best way. They are both grown adults now and neither 'got into any trouble' at all. You should sit down and have a good talk with him about it, if you have gone this far...

when i was 20 I went on holiday with my now DH and his family - it was only a month b4 my 21st birthday - and I had to share a room with my now MIL - we had been going out with each other since we were 14! I wasn't very happy about it!

I wouldn't allow 14yo's to share because of what people may think. I wasn't interested in sex (meaning full intercourse) at that age but was very interested in most other things.

Sorry I haven't read the full thread, but just thought i'd add my thoughts.

Sparethedetails, I hope you have not been frightened away by this. I have read all the thread now and see you were a bit worried about how you are coming across.

I just want to say that I am not criticising you, as I can see you have not made up your mind, and have misgivings about the holiday arrangement. It seems like your dh and girl's parents are being very liberal and you don't feel totally 'right' about it.

FWIW, I strongly feel it's a bad idea for your ds and this girl to share a room on holiday but I respect the fact that you have posted your concerns here.

i know thatthis is a serious thread but it has reminded me. When my sister got married they had to stay the night at my parents after they returned from honeymoon and before they moved into their home.

My mum put them in seperate bedrooms

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has replied. I was really worried that you would all think I was one of these slack mothers who laughs off her kids having sex and getting drunk etc...I'm really not, I just want to do the right thing and keep our communications open as they always have been.

A little update...

I said to DS this morning "You know if Katie does come on holiday with us...you do realise you won't be sharing a bed, don't you?"

He looked at me blanky and replied "well, duh!"

So I said "what do you think the sleeping arrangments should be then? it's only a 3 bedroomed"

So he replied "I'll sleep on the sofa?"

So, relieved I said "oh! For a minute there I thought you were expecting to be sharing a bedroom..." so he laughed and said "I'm 14, and not stupid"

So again I feel like I have underestimated him.

Although I don't think I'll be adding her to the booking until nearer the time. I'm going to discuss it with the travel agents tomorow to see how we can work this.

Good Luck - Sparethedetails - sounds like you've got one with his head screwed on.

If as you say your DS is a bit of sensitive soul, then for that reason alone I would try and discourage him from a full-blown physical relationship at this age.

I had my first serious (ie physical) relationship at 17. We waited months before we slept together and were completely head over heels about each other. When we split up several months later the emotional fall-out on my side (being the dumpee!) was horrific, and I know without a doubt this was partly because of the intimacy of the relationship.

You DS and his GF sound lovely, so hope it all goes well for them and you.

sounds eminently sensible on all counts sparethe details

what a great son you have, sparethedetails. tell him we say so!

How relieved you must feel Sounds like your son has enough common sense and maturity to make this holiday work for everyone. Top boy

I guess you just need to be sure that his girlfriend feels the same way. Good idea about going to the travel agent to see if you can add her as an extra person nearer the time.

Your DS sounds great.

About 20 years ago I was the same age as your son and one of the girls in my class was openly allowed to share her bedroom with her boyfriend. Her mother was given a 6 week jail sentence for this. The law hasn't changed for this - if you are taking this girl on holiday then the country you are going to may well take a dim view of this kind of behaviour.

Your DS sounds very sensible.

Your ds sounds a gem, I wonder where he gets it from Great outcome all round, hope all goes well with the holiday bookings

sounds like a great compromise, and your ds sounds very mature and lovely

That puts all the onus on YOUR family to make sure 'they' don't get pregnant.

You can't completely control that. By taking the girl away with you, if she does get pregnant, reading between the lines, they will blaming you for letting their daughter get pregnant.

I'd turn it back on them, and say, "obviously I can't watch them 24/7, I just have to hope they are sensible, are you allowing your daughter to come?"

Sparethedetails - I was just going to write to say how about being the most unpopular mother in the world and saying Katie couldn't go, as it's all getting way too complicated and stressful - but have just seen your update! Your ds sounds fab and hopefully you can work out the logistics - hope it all goes well.