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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A relationship between two 14 year olds.

221 replies

SparetheDetails · 31/08/2008 19:05

Posted this in teenagers but it sort of fits here too.

DS1 has been seeing the same girl since he was 12, he's now 14 and they are as inseperable now as they were at the beginning. They're together all the time. She spends ALOT of time here, her parents don't seem to give a toss what she does.

Anyway we were recently talking about booking our next holiday, Florida in a villa and DS suddenly said "oh, please mum...can we take (we'll call her Katie)"?

I said "don't be daft, I can't afford to pay for another one for a start and her parents are hardly going to let her jet off to America with people they don't know!" so he said "no, I mean if they pay, they'll let her, I know they will, please can I ask?" I honestly didn't think they'd agree so I said "ok, ask but don't hold your breath".

So he asked and they said yes he was so excited he actually started crying and she cried (they couldn't be more 'emo' if they tried!) and I just didn't have the heart to say no. They're both very good kids, quiet, hard working, never in trouble...is it really such a bad idea?

Only trouble is, the villa is only 3 bedroomed. Meaning they'd have to share a room. He parents when I spoke to them actually said they don't mind this as they're sensible in other words I think they were saying "as long as she doesn't come back pregnant we don't really care".

DH has suggested that we should let them share a room as they have earnt our trust so far but they're 14! they do act older but...please someone, someone inpartial talk some sense about this whole thing. I'm so confused about what to do for the best.

OP posts:
LittleMissBliss · 31/08/2008 20:02

I think you should let them share a room. As you have said they are good kids.

If they are having sex or going to have sex they will do it regardless. Its much better that they do it a nice environment than outside somewhere. Or they may not be interested in sex anyway so it wouldn't even be an issue. So its win, win in my eyes.

The pill sounds like a good idea.

girlnextdoor · 31/08/2008 20:03

Just to add- I am with Hulab here- she's right- not many 14 yr olds are and if they are, it should not be encouraged as the "norm" by parents who are afraid to make a stand.

They are still CHILDREN- their bodies may be adult bodies, but they are still emotionally vulnerable.

What is he- year 8? year 9?

Much too young and so is she.

hecate · 31/08/2008 20:06

14? 14 is still a child!! 14 is only 5 years older than my tiny tiny baby. I just think that the message to send a 14 year old is DON'T YOU BLOODY DARE!!!

LittleMissBliss · 31/08/2008 20:06

cat- If they are having sex already, by their parents saying they do not approve will not stop them having sex. It will probabaly just send them underground and make them feel like they can't talk to their parents. They are more likely to have safe sex if it is in a comfortable situation.

LittleMissBliss · 31/08/2008 20:07

They may not even be having sex.

Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 20:08

I just asked my partner if he would (a) agree to DSS1 taking as yet hypothetical girlfriend on our family holiday next summer (b) whether he would let them share a room.

He said - "depends on the girlfriend".

girlnextdoor · 31/08/2008 20:09

littlemissbliss- what does being "good kids" have to do with it?

it is illegal for good reason- are you aware of that?

The pill- okay- but what if she forgets it? Many older women have accidents- what about teenage failed contraception? What about cervical cancer- the more partners you have,and age of first intercourse, the higher the risk- and condoms don't exclude it altogether.

Children EXPECT parents to say NO. They actually like boundaries- the reason so many kids today are in trouble in every respect is that parents cannot be bothered to say NO, or they treat their children as if they have adult emotions, based on their own logical- such as "well, they will do it anyway". That is not the right way to bring up kids. Sorry, I feel very strongly about this.

LittleMissBliss · 31/08/2008 20:10

We are all so uptight about sex in England. thats partly why there are so many teenage pregnancies. In countries where age of concent is lower they have lower teen pregnancy rates. Just because they are young doesn't mean they will get into trouble.

LittleMissBliss · 31/08/2008 20:11

girlnd- That they aren't drug taking binge drinking tareaways.

You are more likely to not have concenting or safe sex if you are under the influence.

nervousal · 31/08/2008 20:12

Littlemissbliss - would be interested in where your evidence for lower age of consent=lower teenage preg rates.

Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 20:13

girlnextdoor - as parents, we can set our children very clear boundaries about sex without a blanket ban - which to my mind is totally counterproductive as it prevents good communication about sexual issues that teenagers will necessarily have to face. As LittleMissBliss says, British prudery about sex is the root cause of our appalling teenage pregnancy rate. Open communication helps young people form better judgement about sex.

girlnextdoor · 31/08/2008 20:14

It has got nothing to do with being "uptight " about sex- it has everything to do with being realistic about WHAT MIGHT GO WRONG- pregnancy, herpes, cancer, other STDs, the sadness when it all ends, which it will, the distraction from school and home work FGS- they are children.

Surely they should be encouraged to be friends at that age?

I might add that I very very nearly had sex at 14, a million years ago. I am now so glad that I didn't. My parents tried to lock me up - very strict- as if that would stop me- but was we all know, where there is a will, there is a way. However, I knew deep down I was too young, and I knew they would disapprove- it was enough to make me say "no". I am glad I did.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2008 20:14

I agree with the points that Girlnextdoor made.

"Good kids" also need responsible parents to guide them through their turbulent teenage years. Someone has to take responsibility here for these young peoples' welfare and make decisions on their behalf. Not all contraception either is completely reliable.

Not all 14 year old girls are by any means responsible enough to take the pill every day.

They are both underage, even if she gave consent they would be still breaking the law.
Neither of them are mature enough emotionally to handle the consequences of having a sexual relationship.

Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 20:17

"Surely they should be encouraged to be friends at that age?"

Come on, this is ridiculous. If they have loving, sexual feelings for one another (which they self-evidently do have), nothing anyone can ever say or do can "encourage them to be friends".

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2008 20:17

I personally think low self esteem amongst girls, poverty, social deprivation and a desire to be loved has contributed to teenage pregnancy rates far more than British "uptight" attitudes to sex.

LittleMissBliss · 31/08/2008 20:17

Nervousal-age of concent in different countries

uk has highest teenage preg rate in europe

girlnextdoor · 31/08/2008 20:19

anna- I wonder if any of you posting here have actually had/got teenagers?

I agree100% that sex should be talked about more in the family- but does that mean they have the green light to go and do it at an age when it is against the law? No one actually seems very bothered about that here - apart from a couple of other posters. What kind of message does that send out to the kids? How can you condone them to break one law, but not others? Talk about confusing them!

I have-well, they are both in early 20s now.

If and when your DCs are teenagers, you will maybe realise just how emotionally vulnerable they are- and the risks that teenage sex has. it's all very well making these comments when your DCs are still toddlers- but wait until you have actually had teens and you may feel differently.

unknownrebelbang · 31/08/2008 20:19

Just because a parent doesn't encourage their child to share a room with their girlfriend doesn't mean they don't communicate openly with the child.

Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 20:19

Lack of proper information and communication about sex is the problem.

Obviously, poverty and social deprivation contribute to lack of information about sex, as about everything else in life.

DrNortherner · 31/08/2008 20:20

I had a serious boyfriend from being 12 to 16. If I went on hols with him at 14 and we were allowed to share a room we would have had sex (we did at 15 anyway) I think, sharing is not a good idea. It is best to come up with another arrangement imo.

FWIW, before dh and I were married he wasn't even allowed to sleep in my room at my parents house even though we were living together! My Dad only allowed it when we were married

LazyLinePainterJane · 31/08/2008 20:21

Well, I would say that regardless of whether they should or not, or whether they are already, if you don't feel comfortable, then this is after all your family holiday. She should only come if you can get spacier accommodation and her parents will pay.

girlnextdoor · 31/08/2008 20:22

drnortherner- ditto! I was almost 30 when my DH and i married- a few weeks before our wedding, we visited my parents and he was firmly shown the sofa bed.

Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 20:22

We have a 13.5 year old - my DSS1 - so it's pretty relevant. All our friends with sons and daughters his age are dealing with their children's sexual maturity - hot dinner party topic

ranting · 31/08/2008 20:22

I agree with Anna8888 and LMB, I have a friend who lost her virginity at the age of 14, it was in similiar circs to the OPs teens and she was neither damaged or scarred by the experience, I know someone else who lost theirs a lot later (after the age of consent) and she had a terrible experience and it has scarred her for life.

I don't think there is a one size fits all solution. My ds is 14 and we have ongoing chats about sex, he's not squeamish about talking about it at all and although he has a gf, he has already told me he's not ready for a sexual relationship, yet.

I don't think it follows that just because they are having a relationship that they are definitely having sex either.

nervousal · 31/08/2008 20:23

thanks for the links lmb - but don't see the link between age of consent and teenage preg rates? Britain seems to have similar age of consent to most developed countries? Interesting to see countries with lower ages of consent tend to be developing countries, or countries with questionable womens rights.