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Original poster

A relationship between two 14 year olds.

221 replies

SparetheDetails · 31/08/2008 19:05

Posted this in teenagers but it sort of fits here too.

DS1 has been seeing the same girl since he was 12, he's now 14 and they are as inseperable now as they were at the beginning. They're together all the time. She spends ALOT of time here, her parents don't seem to give a toss what she does.

Anyway we were recently talking about booking our next holiday, Florida in a villa and DS suddenly said "oh, please mum...can we take (we'll call her Katie)"?

I said "don't be daft, I can't afford to pay for another one for a start and her parents are hardly going to let her jet off to America with people they don't know!" so he said "no, I mean if they pay, they'll let her, I know they will, please can I ask?" I honestly didn't think they'd agree so I said "ok, ask but don't hold your breath".

So he asked and they said yes he was so excited he actually started crying and she cried (they couldn't be more 'emo' if they tried!) and I just didn't have the heart to say no. They're both very good kids, quiet, hard working, never in trouble...is it really such a bad idea?

Only trouble is, the villa is only 3 bedroomed. Meaning they'd have to share a room. He parents when I spoke to them actually said they don't mind this as they're sensible in other words I think they were saying "as long as she doesn't come back pregnant we don't really care".

DH has suggested that we should let them share a room as they have earnt our trust so far but they're 14! they do act older but...please someone, someone inpartial talk some sense about this whole thing. I'm so confused about what to do for the best.

OP posts:
nervousal · 31/08/2008 19:24

guess I'm definitely a prude then - at 14 my priority wouldn't be to make sure that my "children" were getting the most out of it. Why not go the whole hog and get them some sex toys to try??

Original poster
SparetheDetails · 31/08/2008 19:26

I have spoken to DS, we have always been very open about sex and he has given me no reason to believe he has already done it or is planning to. The two of them spend alot of time togethr, sometimes alone in the house and DH swears that if they were going to, they would have already. Not that I want to be seen to be encouraging it of course but I also don't want a holiday spent with them both sneeking around and us listening out for footsteps on the landing etc...I also worry that if they sneek around about it, they may be less careful about it.

I don't know, I've always been a liberal type of parent but this seems too big to mess up on the whim that DS is more mature/sensitive than most 14 year olds

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 19:27

Because getting them sex toys would not be discreet - and hardly necessary at that age. Sex toys are for when you get old and jaded and it all needs spicing up a bit...

ranting · 31/08/2008 19:27

Nervousal, calm down, Anna8888 didn't say she would make it a 'priority', she said that if it's likely that they are having sexual relations then it would be best if they were good sexual relations in the context of a relationship. I actually agree with her.

VanillaPumpkin · 31/08/2008 19:28

Stick to your instincts!!!! Seriously.

Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 19:30

I have a 13.5 year old DSS1 and I am forever prepping my DP for the day when DSS1 has a girlfriend.

I am personally quite able to foresee myself telephoning the parents of his future girlfriend and saying that I am quite happy she comes on holiday with us providing she is on the pill. I would not contemplate taking her otherwise. Far too much responsibility.

nervousal · 31/08/2008 19:30

lol - prefectly calm thanks. DD is 4 and just got leaflet home from school re talking to her about sex - not long til I Have to go through all this with her!

morningpaper · 31/08/2008 19:31

I'd be amazed if two 14 year olds in a relationship weren't having sex

Does that REALLY happen?

Original poster
SparetheDetails · 31/08/2008 19:34

According to her mother, they share a room when he's there she either
a) doesn't give a shit or
b) genuinly believes it better that they do it at home than somewhere 'dodgy' (as she put it).

OP posts:
Hulababy · 31/08/2008 19:34

"I'd be amazed if two 14 year olds in a relationship weren't having sex"

Well, I would be quite suprised if two 14 year odls were having sex personally. It is just far too young IMO. Yes, some do, but I dont think it is that common TBH. Some talk about it a lot, but still aren't getting it. You find out plenty from overhearing conversations as a secondary school teacher

morningpaper · 31/08/2008 19:36

But Hula I always assumed that lack of sex was due to lack of opportunity

But if you were in a relationship with someone you liked, surely that's what you would DO?

Dropdeadfred · 31/08/2008 19:42

Can your son not share a room with his dad and you share a room with 'Katie'?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2008 19:42

Were you aware of that?.

I would say that the Mother's attitude is a mix of both a and b. She has abdicated her responsibility for her daughter. Personally speaking if I was aware of two 14 year old kids having sex I'd feel quite sad for the pair of them. Why do they feel the need to have sex at such a young age?. Quite apart from anything else there is an age of consent in this country and they are not of age.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/08/2008 19:44

Let them share as it's separate beds. They are either having sex already or not - letting them share a room won't make any difference.

Original poster
SparetheDetails · 31/08/2008 19:44

Dropdeadfred, DH isn't DS's dad. Not that that would be a problem, from a selfish point of view though, I'd like to be with DH whilst on holiday. It is a good idea though and I'll certainly keep it in the 'box of suggestions'.

I don't want anyone to think I don't care. I think I'm coming across badly in this thread

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/08/2008 19:46

@ dropdeadfred-
maybe she doesn't want to spend the holiday in separate rooms from her DP?

LucyJones · 31/08/2008 19:47

I can't beleive you don't know where he sleeps when he stays over at hers!!
You are both very trusting parents imo
is she on the pill? Have you given hm condoms?

Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 19:48

SparetheDetails - actually, you are coming across as very thoughtful in what is, undoubtedly, a hard moral dilemma.

unknownrebelbang · 31/08/2008 19:48

sparethedetails, you are NOT coming across badly on this thread.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/08/2008 19:49

STD -
(lol look at your initials!)
Don't worry - some people would think you are outrageous for consdiering it but that doesn't make them right. My parents let my bro's GF sleep over in his room from age 15 (they had been together a year, her parents didn't mind) and I'm sure they were already having sex at this point. If they are, they are, if not, they won't start just because they share a room - and if they do, yes, they are young, but probably better they lose it to each other than someone horrible who doesn't care about them when they are 16, 18 or even 21.

Dropdeadfred · 31/08/2008 19:49

You are not couoming across badly...
I do think it would be sad to be in separate rooms from your DH, BUT are you likely to get much bedroom action with BIL and your kids and Katie there anyway???

BL & DH one room
Katei and you other room
Two Ds's together in last room....?

Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 19:57

I'm afraid that I don't think it would give an example of healthy relationships at all if the OP and her DH were not to share a room during the holiday.

Original poster
SparetheDetails · 31/08/2008 19:58

He's only slept there 3 times. First time I asked and was told her brothers room. 2nd and 3rd time I didn't ask as I assumed it would be the same. DS now tells me he did sleep in brothrs room the first time (although he was 13 at the time so maybe her mum was more strict then?) but more recent 2nd and 3rd time he slept in katies room on a sofa bed. He tells me "don't worry, we didn't do anything".

I'm going to have to pop off for a bit, I'll be back on in an hour or so.

pmsl at "STD", that was NOT deliberate!!

OP posts:
girlnextdoor · 31/08/2008 19:58

sorry to put a damper on this, but I have a lot of professional experience with teenagers as well as my own- 14 is too young for a sexual relationship.

Now before you all scream and call me a prude-let me just make a couple of other points:

  1. It is illegal.
  2. this relationship is unlikely to last and there will be an emotional fall-out.
  3. teenagers NEED boundaries and something to push against.

The fact that your partner bought condoms in case your son was embarrassed is on the one hand condoning illegal behaviour and also it is
acknowledging that he is immature and not ready to for so himself!

I know all the argumetns about "they will do it anyway" - well, they might, BUT that doesn't mean that parents openly encourage it, or turn a blind eye. Often kids are crying out for parents to say "stop! enough!" as they have doubts themselves, but get carried along with the idea that everyone else is at it- and often they aren't- it is just bravado.

If I were in your shoes, I would speak to the girl's family before promising anything- you only have your son's word that they are happy for her to go with you.

I would also confirm to her parents that they will be in separate rooms, and make it clear to your son that he is too young to be having a sexual relationship with anyone- despite what his hormones are telling him. He might be physically capable of sex, but he won't be emotionally ready and it brings its own responsibilities etc- no contraception is 100% effective- are you ready for him to be a father at 14?

cat64 · 31/08/2008 20:02

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