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Original poster

A relationship between two 14 year olds.

221 replies

SparetheDetails · 31/08/2008 19:05

Posted this in teenagers but it sort of fits here too.

DS1 has been seeing the same girl since he was 12, he's now 14 and they are as inseperable now as they were at the beginning. They're together all the time. She spends ALOT of time here, her parents don't seem to give a toss what she does.

Anyway we were recently talking about booking our next holiday, Florida in a villa and DS suddenly said "oh, please mum...can we take (we'll call her Katie)"?

I said "don't be daft, I can't afford to pay for another one for a start and her parents are hardly going to let her jet off to America with people they don't know!" so he said "no, I mean if they pay, they'll let her, I know they will, please can I ask?" I honestly didn't think they'd agree so I said "ok, ask but don't hold your breath".

So he asked and they said yes he was so excited he actually started crying and she cried (they couldn't be more 'emo' if they tried!) and I just didn't have the heart to say no. They're both very good kids, quiet, hard working, never in trouble...is it really such a bad idea?

Only trouble is, the villa is only 3 bedroomed. Meaning they'd have to share a room. He parents when I spoke to them actually said they don't mind this as they're sensible in other words I think they were saying "as long as she doesn't come back pregnant we don't really care".

DH has suggested that we should let them share a room as they have earnt our trust so far but they're 14! they do act older but...please someone, someone inpartial talk some sense about this whole thing. I'm so confused about what to do for the best.

OP posts:
tigermoth · 31/08/2008 21:49

littlemissbliss, I just think that leaving these two 14 year olds in the same bedroom for two weeks is the real issue - it is walls and doors, not single beds and separate duvets that create personal space IMO.

LittleMissBliss · 31/08/2008 21:49

I do agree that its a bit dodgey arranging a holiday a year in advance.
DP's brother took his gf on a family holiday as a teen. I think they were 15/16 they broke up on holiday. Poor DPs mum had a crying gf on the phone to her parents!

KerryMum · 31/08/2008 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zippitippitoes · 31/08/2008 21:53

and they may be sweet and innocent now but they wont be in twelve months

if you dont want or expect them to be having a sexual relationship then dont give them the means to facilitate it

you are effectively saying its fine to start a sexual relationship

and really that is quite hard for 14 year olds to manage as a concept

LittleMissBliss · 31/08/2008 21:59

If he was my son and i felt that i had been open about sex with him and he was clued up and so was she, then it wouldn't bother me.

Plus he would be 15 or near 15 by then. I lost my virginity at 15 (I was on the pill at 15 and used condoms) i'm fine about it i have a really healthy attitude about sex and happy to talk about it. I fell pregnant at 20 not through lack of education but because the pill failed (probably because i wasn't strict on taking it at the same time every day) and i was in a long term relationship where we didn't use condoms. When i was younger i was far better at taking my pill (better routine at school age and fear of teen pregnancy). And i didn't have sex that often.

LittleMissBliss · 31/08/2008 22:00

Isn't better giving them the message of safe sex than banning sex?

zippitippitoes · 31/08/2008 22:01

well i wouldnt want to go on holiday with a teen couple and i think its also unfair on the other child if there is one

as well as the mum and dad

changes the whole dynamics of a family trip

them smooching around would be barf

zippitippitoes · 31/08/2008 22:04

oh you can talk about stuff without handing them the opportunity

i just think it makes the year of waiting very tense and fait accomplis relationship wise and it isnt an age when you are settled and they grow up at different rates and change in early teens

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 31/08/2008 22:04

Agree with zippi - most teenagers would see it as condoning it. And that's difficult to handle - especially if one of them isn't totally committed to it.

LittleMissBliss · 31/08/2008 22:11

i wouldn't suggest it if they did not both feel happy with the arrangements. but as they stay in the same room at the gf house i wouldn't see this as an issue. I would rather be seen to condoning it. Than to make sex something really awful that people can't talk about.

zippitippitoes · 31/08/2008 22:13

well i wouldnt have the in the same room at the moment either to be honest

but there is a big difference between sex being awful and putting them in a room together for a fortnight on holiday

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 31/08/2008 22:14

There's a whole load of ground between not talking about it and facilitating it. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

LittleMissBliss · 31/08/2008 22:17

Give the kids some credit you can talk to them about it and if they are not interesteding in having sex just because they are in the same room doesn'y mean they will. They may be 14 going on 15 but they do have some emotional intelligence fgs. Also with seperate beds they do have their own space they are not next to one another. Also if they were to have sex they will have had the opportunity before. They have been left in the house alone together.

LittleMissBliss · 31/08/2008 22:20

Also puting them in seperate rooms after having a talk about sex with them does show a lack of trust between the teen and parent.

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 31/08/2008 22:24

Trust your teen? You are kidding me right?

zippitippitoes · 31/08/2008 22:26

i dont think it is for parents to encourage sexual relationships between young teenagers

i think you are encouraging an emotionally intense bond at a vulnerable age by planning this so far in advance anyway

having long sexual relationships as young teenagers isnt healthy imo

zippitippitoes · 31/08/2008 22:29

thats not as criticism of anyone who did have one or of these two

i just think that it does set you apart somewgat from your peers and their experiences when you are always seen as a couple

chapstickchick · 31/08/2008 22:30

I would not be allowing my 14 yr old to share a room with his girlfriend - yes if they are going to have sex they will find a way but in my opinion its almost like giving them the green light to go ahead.

To be absolutely truthful i dont think the villa is big enough for an extra non family guest to be invited and surely you should have thought about the logistics long before agreeing.

it would be very irresponsible.

chapstickchick · 31/08/2008 22:33

little miss bliis the pill can fail at 14 too - its just not on fir enough dad giving him condoms but to then put them in the same room on holiday jesus christ why not just supply the chocolate body paint and plump the pillows?

purpleduck · 31/08/2008 22:33

"It's just NATURAL. That's what their bodies are SCREAMING OUT FOR"...morningpaper

I agree.... its not so long ago that girls were married off at this age - while whether that was right or wrong is a whole other conversation, I can't help but think that in some way it was pragmatic..girls bodies are generally raring to go at this age. Most boys too

I don't think Katie should come on holiday because:

  1. Its YOUR holiday, you shouldn't have to entertain

2)They very well may be broken up by then - one year in teenage time is like dog years

3)He will be nearly 15..only a few holidays left with him at home

4)Holidays are very stressful sometimes...they won't have any space from each other, SHE wan't have any space... haven't we have threads upon threads of holidaying with friends.... don't do it!!!

also, a holiday is a break from life - maybe he would NEED a break from being "boyfriend", and have a chance to just be himself.

As you promised, I think you need to offer a tradeoff...don't know what, but a holiday, and TWO WEEKS is just too much.

purpleduck · 31/08/2008 22:38

BTW, I fervently disagree with Katie having to be on the pill as a condition of her coming - its her body

also, I lost my virginity at 14, and teenage sex was NOT crap...very good actually

girlnextdoor · 31/08/2008 22:43

littlemiss - you seem to be very pro under- age sex and if I dare say so, have a very dated attitude, usually found amongst people who think very liberally, but have never had teens of their won- in all of your posts you have never once mentioned your own children.

I think the pendulum has swung the other way over the last few years from the "let them get on with it" to "hang on a minute- these are children we are talking about".

You seem also to equate a caring attitude on a parent's behalf with the parent being a prude, unable to discuss sex, not enjoying sex and more- I don't know where your evidence is for all these opinions.

I used to teach "banned" books to teenagers many years ago-Lady Chatterly's Lover - I am no prude, I assure you.

Have you got DCs or teenagers of your own?

girlnextdoor · 31/08/2008 22:46

You needn't answer that one- I have just seen you are just out of your teens yourself and have a baby- enough said.

My DD is a year younger than you.

TheHedgeWitch · 31/08/2008 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ravenAK · 31/08/2008 22:59

Well, if you've already had a conversation with him about sharing at her house, can't you just SAY to him:

'Dh & I are worried about you bringing Katie on holiday, because there aren't enough rooms for her to have her own. What do you think we should do?'

You might be able to tell from his reaction whether they are at it like the proverbial rabbits or planning to lie chastely in their twin beds reading each other poetry of their own composition.

IME as a secondary teacher either are equally likely. Slight bias towards the chaste poetry option given they're tearful emos...

I think personally I'd let them share. But tell ds that there would be NO BONKING UNDER MY ROOF, thank you very much. (Quick reference to '& obviously in a few years, if you & Katie are still together, you'll be sensible & use condoms won't you darling?')

That way you've avoided condoning anything they might get up to, whilst still making the point re: condoms...

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