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Original poster

A relationship between two 14 year olds.

221 replies

SparetheDetails · 31/08/2008 19:05

Posted this in teenagers but it sort of fits here too.

DS1 has been seeing the same girl since he was 12, he's now 14 and they are as inseperable now as they were at the beginning. They're together all the time. She spends ALOT of time here, her parents don't seem to give a toss what she does.

Anyway we were recently talking about booking our next holiday, Florida in a villa and DS suddenly said "oh, please mum...can we take (we'll call her Katie)"?

I said "don't be daft, I can't afford to pay for another one for a start and her parents are hardly going to let her jet off to America with people they don't know!" so he said "no, I mean if they pay, they'll let her, I know they will, please can I ask?" I honestly didn't think they'd agree so I said "ok, ask but don't hold your breath".

So he asked and they said yes he was so excited he actually started crying and she cried (they couldn't be more 'emo' if they tried!) and I just didn't have the heart to say no. They're both very good kids, quiet, hard working, never in trouble...is it really such a bad idea?

Only trouble is, the villa is only 3 bedroomed. Meaning they'd have to share a room. He parents when I spoke to them actually said they don't mind this as they're sensible in other words I think they were saying "as long as she doesn't come back pregnant we don't really care".

DH has suggested that we should let them share a room as they have earnt our trust so far but they're 14! they do act older but...please someone, someone inpartial talk some sense about this whole thing. I'm so confused about what to do for the best.

OP posts:
combustiblelemon · 31/08/2008 20:24

Wow, so the age of consent is 15 in France and 14 in Germany (provided the other patner isn't over 18).

Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 20:24

Don't you think that your parents were just being weird?

My parents let my boyfriend(s) sleep in the same room as me as soon as I started having them home for holidays at university.

unknownrebelbang · 31/08/2008 20:26

LazyLPJane raises a very good point actually - the sleeping arrangements need to be comfortable for everyone - including the other DS and BIL.

girlnextdoor · 31/08/2008 20:26

Yes, i did not agree with my parents stand on that- BUT they are the most caring parents in the world, and they came from a generation where you did not have sex before marriage-( they are now in their 80s) or if you did, you certainly did not let on about it!

It was /is their home and I had to respect their decision- despite that fact that we had moved in together at that point. If they were not comfortable with us in the same room, I wasn't going to argue, as we were living together anyway.

ranting · 31/08/2008 20:27

And whoever made the point about the legendary British squeamish attitudes to sex has it spot on imo. Only in this country are we seemingly too gauche and frightened to tell our children the proper names for their sexual organs, no wonder that the teen pregnancy rates are so high. It isn't a coincidence.

Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 20:29

nervousal - Spain (13) and Italy (14) are hardly developing countries

LittleMissBliss · 31/08/2008 20:30

nervousal- Well britain has the highest teen preg rate.

France, Italy and Germany the age of concent is lower. They are developed countries, there teen preg rate are lower than uk.

DrNortherner · 31/08/2008 20:31

I don't think they were being weird Anna as GND says it was their house and I had to respect their wishes.

Besides, I don't think I'd want to hear my child (however old) having sex.

LittleMissBliss · 31/08/2008 20:31

x-post anna

girlnextdoor · 31/08/2008 20:32

ranting- children get full sex education at school from primary school.

It has nothing to do with lack of information- but everything to do with lack of self-esteem (as someone else pointed out) the need to feel "loved" and in some cases, escape from the parents by getting a place of their own. ( and that is not me making it up- i know of girls who did that when i was teaching)

You cannot simply explain teenage pregnancy figures by looking at sex education- i t also comes down to the family and family values- countries like France and Italy have much closer extended families.

3andnomore · 31/08/2008 20:32

So, read the whole thread...and I can't work out why tehy will have to share that room ...if it is 3 bedroom...and I know it's been asked before, but doesn't seem to have been answered...

The other thing, make sure teh parents will pay whatever they have to, even if it ends up that the girl isn't coming along wiht you...because, they may have been together for 2 years...doesn't mean it will last another year.

By the time that Holiday comes along both will be nearer 15, won't they?

I think, personally I would maybe not let them share, although I can see Anna's point and agree with a lot of them...
although, if they really would have sex when parents are so close by...not sure they would? And if they wait till you are out to do t, then NOT sharing a room would be pointless....
oh I don't know, I really don't....

ranting · 31/08/2008 20:34

I would disagree with that, yes they get sex education but, it's on the mechanics of sex, not on the emotional aspects, which are just as necessary as knowing which hole it goes in imo.

And it is precisely because a lot of people just leave it to the schools because after all they're getting 'sex education' there, that a lot of people duck the issue.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2008 20:34

Actually young people get more sex education lessons now than ever before yet the teenage pregnancy rates (and abortion rate amongst teens) still rises. They also get sex ed lessons much younger; PSCHE starts in primary school.

Rising teen pregnancy rates have more to do with poverty, poor self worth and social deprivation than a supposed reluctance to tell the young person the proper names of sexual organs.

Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 20:34

countries like France [and Italy] have much closer extended families.

I live in France and while this may be true, the crux of the issue when it comes to sex is that the French are infinitely less prudish than the British when it comes to sex. Hence much, much better early sex education (and much better amants ).

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 31/08/2008 20:36

I would make every effort to have them in separate rooms. Agreed - some 14 year olds will be having sex - there's a whole load of difference between knowing that it happens and condoning it or facilitating it.

I unwittingly condoned my ds1 having sex at 16 and regret it.

LittleMissBliss · 31/08/2008 20:37

girlnextdoor- Those attitudes towards sex aren't really what you want to pass onto your children are they? So surely being open about sex from a young age is the best way forward. So if they do have sex before the age of concent they are clued up about it and therefore more likely to be safe. sex shouldn't be something that is taboo. I would rather let them have sex at 14 after talking about sex than let them have sex at 16 after not.

girlnextdoor · 31/08/2008 20:37

spot on Attila.

LazyLinePainterJane · 31/08/2008 20:38

Yes, I think that we as parents in this country are too squeamish about sex, about teaching children about sex, and preparing our teenagers for sex.

But that is not the point. This is the OP's family holiday, and it's not a weekend in Bognor, it's a big holiday that is going to cost a lot of money, and everyone should feel comfortable on said holiday.

It is not fair for the OP and her DH to not share a room on their family holiday so that a girl that her DS might not be seeing forever can come with them. If her family is going to pay then they need to cover all eventualities, including suitable living accommodation in the eyes of the people who will be taking responsibility for her in an unfamiliar country.

I am assuming that BIL is paying his share, so why should he have to sleep on the couch?

If you will be antsy all holiday about what your DS and his GF are up to then it's not worth the hassle. The OP will be taking responsibility for someone elses underage daughter and as such, she has a right to be nervous about what happens.

LazyLinePainterJane · 31/08/2008 20:39

Not to say that it is ok to feel uncomfortable in Bognor

[disclaimer]

girlnextdoor · 31/08/2008 20:40

little miss- my children are now adults.
I am afraid I don't know what you mean by "those attitudes"?

If you mean that sex should be something that is part of a special relationship, and when they are emotionally- not just physically- mature, and aware of all the risks and what may go wrong, then yes, they are absolutely the values i want to pass on. and hope I have!

LittleMissBliss · 31/08/2008 20:42

In countries such as Holland they talk about sex in far more detail than in England from a young age. The emotional aspects too. They could incorporate the self worth of girls into PHSE lessons as well as parent at home working along with the schools.

Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 20:42

How can young people get to the point where they are emotionally mature for sex if their is a parental blanket ban on sex?

LittleMissBliss · 31/08/2008 20:43

girlnd- i ment your parents. They are normal for their generation but not ones to be passed down.

Hulababy · 31/08/2008 20:44

Am I prudish to think that 14 is still a child, and they shouldn't be having sex at all?

But 14 really is so young. You only have to sit and listen to a group of 14 year olds to realise just how young they are, and how immature they still are. Even those that come across as being sensble, streetwise and mature in other situations - I have yet to come across ANY 14 year old who is truely grown up and mature enough to be having sexual relationships (and I have come across a lot fo 14 years during my time as a teacher.) Sme of the 14y think they are/were old enough and mature enough, but as an adult looking on at the time, and not having to look back and tr to remember, they really were not.

Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 20:45

There are lots and lots of posters on MN who have major sexual hangups, well into their thirties and more - posters who cannot orgasm from intercourse is a really common one. The root cause of this type of problem is sexual guilt complexes passed down by parents that don't allow women to fully enjoy their bodies.