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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband's income

111 replies

Salla · 15/07/2008 18:08

How important is your H's income/status or standing in the world to you? My situation: H has been driving for years to support us, I am a SAHM. He has recently taken on a shift job, which is a step too far for me. When he worked regular hours, we had family mornings and evenings together, now he wakes up at 4 am and I do not sleep much either. Before anybody comments, I am looking for work but want to get over the summer holidays first. My H is fairly educated, he has a ex-poly degree from the early -90 but never did much with it apart from the odd temping contract. He is a good father, good man but my heart breaks thinking that he will never get anywhere in his career. I almost feel like leaving him, it's like a biological thing, it's not logical but that is how I feel. I value education highly, have got 5 good A'levels from a European country and do not like intellectually lazy people. Has anybody been in this situation before, I know I should support him because it must be hard for him too, but I am thinking well if he'd build a proper career we would not ben in this shit right now.(Sorry for swearing, I'm really tired)

OP posts:

crokky · 15/07/2008 18:12

Be happy he is a good man who is doing his best. I don't think income/status is important. Lots of men behave very badly towards their families.

fishnet · 15/07/2008 18:13

Erm I thnk you will get a lot of this but you should get a job. what have you done with your five good a levels??

I feel for your poor DH.

Quattrocento · 15/07/2008 18:13

I think you are being so unreasonable that words fail me.

You want a hot-shot career? Then effing well go and build one for yourself. It's hard.

You don't like intellectually lazy people? Have you looked in a mirror recently? What are you doing with your qualifications exactly?

Grr.

WinkyWinkola · 15/07/2008 18:15

I always think that if you want more £, then you go out and get it yourself. Why should someone else do it for you? If you want more, go and get more.

Maybe your husband is happy with his lot. He's doing ok. Doesn't want to kill himself with graft. That's fair enough to my mind.

Now, if he wasn't working and the family was sinking into debt, that would be a problem but he's doing what he needs to do.

Have you had a conversation with him about what he wants from his working life? It's not really fair to impose your ideals on him.

cocolepew · 15/07/2008 18:16

My DH is also a van driver, he gets depressed sometimes because he doesn't earn much and thinks it's a lame job. If we didn't have drivers/cleaners/shop workers the whole bloody world would stop. I can't believe someone would think about leaving her DH because of his job

TheFallenMadonna · 15/07/2008 18:16

What makes him intellectally lazy? The ex poly degree? As opposed to your A levels? Or his choice of career?

girlnextdoor · 15/07/2008 18:16

I could be really harsh on you and ask if you married this man for his providing power- or because you loved him for what he is, rather than what he does.

You do come across as disliking who he is and have a condescending attitude towards his degree and work.

Ok- you have 5 A levels- so what? What re you doing with them? he has a degree and other people have 3 degrees!!! What do you mean by "I don't like intellectually lazy people"?

What you seem to mean is that you don't like unambitious people- but then, aren't you that too?

Your heart breaks? No- you are upset because you don't like the lack of status attached to his work. You don't seem to care about him at all.

This seems to b e more about income and more about how you see a husband- as a provider for a lifestyle you want.

There is no compassion in your post about how much you love him and want him to be happy.

If money matters that much to you, get a job and contribute to the household kitty.

Have you talked to him about this?

What work could you do? How old are your children? Have you discussed any of this with him- these are JOINT decisions surely- what sort of work, hours, income- why don't you talk to him about it?

laidbackinengland · 15/07/2008 18:17

Your DH sounds like an honest, hard working man. Maybe he is not ambitious, maybe he is too busy working to apply himself to do something else with his qualifications. Status sounds like it is important to you - maybe you could get a job or support him if he wants to retrain or do something different.

singyswife · 15/07/2008 18:17

Salla, maybe your man doesnt want the stress of a high powered career while he had young children. high powered careers can break relationships and tear families apart as often the wife complains that they never see him etc. It sounds to me like he is doing the very best he can for his family. You will adapt to make new times for you all to be together, millions of people work shifts and dont feel that they miss out. I think leaving him becuase he isnt in a 'proper' career is silly when he is a good man in all other areas. Maybe he will be happy to persue a career when dc's are older. My dh is a driver and says it is the best job he has ever had, he has had a lot of jobs and loves this one. Hope you work things out x

wannaBe · 15/07/2008 18:20

"I almost feel like leaving him,". I think you should. Because then maybe he'll be able to find someone who appreciates him, and values him for the person he is, not for the £££ he (according to you) doesn't bring into the home.

If career is so important to you then why is it you don't have one?

HappyWoman · 15/07/2008 18:21

marriage is a partnership - my h is very lucky in that without the interlect he has an amazing career - i although being more intelligent (if qualifactions are the bench mark) am mostly a sahm. I could never earn the money or status he does. I do get cross but unfortunately life just aint fair sometimes.

My db is actually a genius but has choosen to do a more mundane job as it means more family time. My sil, also highly intelligent has a far more demanding job and much more social status.

It shouldnt really make much differnce as long as you are both going in the same direction which is sounds as if you are not - i suspect this is deeper than the mere money and status issue - you need to look at yourself and ask yourself what you want.

Original poster

Salla · 15/07/2008 18:23

Okay, I should have known what MN is like. I only wanted to know if things like jobs mattered to you, but obviously you may be too busy breastfeeding/reproducing to care about other people's problems. I was like that too once, starry eyed and cooing over calpol and nappies. Bye everyone!

OP posts:

TarkaLiotta · 15/07/2008 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyWoman · 15/07/2008 18:24

But at least you have been brave enough to voice what i fear a lot of people actually think.

We are all too judgemental about a lot of outwardly showy things such as job and house size/value.
That is not always a bad thing but you do need to regognise it in yourself.

TheFallenMadonna · 15/07/2008 18:24

Or working perhaps

cocolepew · 15/07/2008 18:26

Humpy op just because we didn't agree with you

singyswife · 15/07/2008 18:27

Hey, I take offence to that, I didnt slag you off I offered advice and support. If you chose to think that I much prefer reproducing to caring about others then you dont know me and I take great upset at that comment.

HappyWoman · 15/07/2008 18:28

To answer your question - yes i do think it matters to a lot of people but like i said before we are too 'nice' to discuss it.

I will admit that a persons status can influence me to some extent.
I am lucky i think that i have had the chance to meet a lot of people from all walks of life and i am comfortable enough with what i have to not let it worry me any more.
But i do know how hard it is to get there. Not many conversations begin with - 'how good are you then morally?' but often 'so what do you do for a living?'
So i can have some sympathy with you too.

cocolepew · 15/07/2008 18:30

'Starry eyed and cooing over calpol and nappies', my DDs are 6 and 10 yrs.
Run Mr Salla, run like the wind

girlnextdoor · 15/07/2008 18:33

sall- you DID ask!

BTW I am not breastfeeding- my DCs are at university doing masters degrees- and I am working hard too to support them and pay the bloody fees!

Get a job, a new man, and stop bleating.

Youcanthaveeverything · 15/07/2008 18:35

I think the OP's view may be unfair and unkind, but it's honest, and if we were homest we all have unreasonable feelings that we try to supress and dislike in ourselves but somehow can't overcome.

Give her a break, help her to see her DH's good points and what she has, and maybe she will begin to see things differently and be really glad she discussed it.

She's saying the unsayable, sometimes that's good, or alot of pretense goes on.

Wy do you think he's intellectually lazy??

is this aboiut money or status?

Are you embarrassed by him? Why?

What would he say to thi?

Does he know you feel like this?

Are these new feelings, has your view changed, do you feeel you want more than you did?

What are the good things with him and about him? What are the good things in your life?

What can you do to improve things? To help him maybe??

girlnextdoor · 15/07/2008 18:44

"she's saying the unsayable"- what,that she is married to a man who doesn't bring home enough money and has a low status job.

I think the one question she should ask herself is "Why did I marry this man? What attracted me to him and why do I disapprove of him now?"

ToughDaddy · 15/07/2008 18:45

WHy do we crush Salla for being open and honest about her emotions? Is that what MN is about. Sure, point out that her emotions aren't completely rational etc but don't beat her up.

Salla- just think of all the career minded slimeballs that you know and compare to DH. You could go through the exercise of writing down on a piece of paper his positive qualities. Is there a sympathetic close friend that you could discuss it with? Also, sounds as though his work ethic is very good. Your children will learn a great deal from this. My grandparents were not very well off at all but instilled very good values in my parents and we have benefited greatly. Are you comfortable at home or are you going without? I must complement you on taking some action by looking for a job. This is very proactive and a good very sign.

cocolepew · 15/07/2008 18:45

Runnnnn

girlnextdoor · 15/07/2008 18:48

I suppose we crush Salla because she sounds uncaring, snobbish, grasping, shallow, and arrogant.

If she had come here and said she was worried how to make ends meet- or that her DH was wasted in his job, and what advice could we give, or what could she do to help- fine. But she didn't.

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