Husband's income

[Salla]

How important is your H's income/status or standing in the world to you? My situation: H has been driving for years to support us, I am a SAHM. He has recently taken on a shift job, which is a step too far for me. When he worked regular hours, we had family mornings and evenings together, now he wakes up at 4 am and I do not sleep much either. Before anybody comments, I am looking for work but want to get over the summer holidays first. My H is fairly educated, he has a ex-poly degree from the early -90 but never did much with it apart from the odd temping contract. He is a good father, good man but my heart breaks thinking that he will never get anywhere in his career. I almost feel like leaving him, it's like a biological thing, it's not logical but that is how I feel. I value education highly, have got 5 good A'levels from a European country and do not like intellectually lazy people. Has anybody been in this situation before, I know I should support him because it must be hard for him too, but I am thinking well if he'd build a proper career we would not ben in this shit right now.(Sorry for swearing, I'm really tired)

[ToughDaddy]

We don't really know enough background to be so harsh, I think. This lady could be a good woman who is just being completely open about her raw emotions. Saying the "unsayable".

[Monkeytrousers]

Unfortunatley that is seeming to happen more and more TD. People don;t seem to know the difference between emotions and behaviour - that you can't control one, only how you respond to them.

Soulds to me like you are having a bit of a mid-life crisis Salla. And rest assured, many,if not most, men and women especially with three kids abd what looks like their best years behind them, have very similar wobbles at certain times in their lives.

Being aware fo your emotions and saying the unsayable (to some ) is actually a very good step. Sometimes we fall out of love with our long term partners - that seems only natural in the scope of a lifetime relationship. Confrontiong that can only be a good thing.

[expatinscotland]

If it's so important to you, then build up the status you wish to have in the world for yourself.

I agree with Quattro.

This isn't the 1950s and it's lazy to expect someone to give you what you should be getting for yourself if you really want it.

[ScottishMummy]

salla, the pertinent issue is that your self worth status are derived from yourself.
you cannot expect vicarious from your contentment DH job

so use your good exam passes
shake a leg- get your own job
empowerment and self worth is from within you

is this a post about disappointment?did you imagine a more prosperous high flying exec husband?

you need to re-evaluate your interpretation of situation.material goods, high flying job doesnt necessarily equate to good man
you say he is a good dad
good man
he puts the food in the fridge
pays the bills
fulfils his commitments

[Quattrocento]

"Okay, I should have known what MN is like. I only wanted to know if things like jobs mattered to you, but obviously you may be too busy breastfeeding/reproducing to care about other people's problems. I was like that too once, starry eyed and cooing over calpol and nappies. Bye everyone!"

Well I earn my own money honey. Not starry eyed and cooing over anything (except possibly my billing rates).

I like my dh. He's a good guy. So he doesn't earn much. So what?

I decided I needed to carry on with the career ladder stuff. After all someone needs to be practical. If we need to pay for this extortionate house, and school fees, and pensions, and holidays, and it can't be done on a public service salary, then I have to achieve these things myself.

[gscrym]

The OP has said she is looking for work but wants to get the summer over first.

You don't sound like you value your husbands degree. You described it as a poly degree, that should be irrelevant. He worked to get it. You seem prouder of your 5 a-levels.

Maybe he likes driving/shift work. I work shifts and although tiring, I see DS more than I would working full time days.

My DH has a career, I have a job (which I love). Maybe your DH wants less stress. My DH gets stressed and short tempered because he has a stressful job. He sometimes has to go out because he knows he's not in a good mood and doesn't want to take it out on anyone.

I wish you luck and happiness. Talk to your DH. I understand and can tell from how you posted, you seem tired and stressed. Hopefully if you talk, things will improve.

[Remotew]

Not many families can survive on one income. If he's a driver I guess his income isn't great and perhaps the OP is struggling atm and this has brought it to a head.

Lots of people are feeling the pinch and I for one am getting really down about it atm. Questioning my earning (or lack of them). There is a simple solution in this case. Go out and work and perhaps things will seem brighter.

Its easy to look at other people who seem to have more spending power and feel but often they are drowning in debt which will catch people out in recession.

The grass isn't always greener and Op's DH sounds like a good man.

[VictorianSqualor]

If his lack of ambition was what bothered you I could understand, completely.

I have been in a relationship with someone who had no ideas, no goals, no thoughts beyond today, which I didn't understand but careerwise, money is not the be all and end all.

My DP has a degree, doesn't use it, is currently in advertising, leaving to join the police force (even though he could get employment with better pay, more money and better hours) because job satisfaction is worth more. Both he and I have chosen our paths for optimum enjoyment (I am starting a degree and working towards training as a secondary school teacher) and will cut back on extra social activities to fund things for our children instead.

IMO you either work for money, work for gratification or work a good honest life to support your family. Some people are lucky enough to find something that hits more than one category, but providing for your family should be respected whatever group he fits into.

Is it really a money issue or a difference of drive and ambition?

[Twiglett]

if you value education highly how come your DH is more highly educated than you are?

what have you done to improve your intellect whilst not working?

[flowerybeanbag]

Salla you said you should have known what MN is like. Did you not want honest answers and respnses to your op? What were you looking for?

To answer your initial question, no, my DH's income/status is not important to me. The things that are important to me about him are that he loves DS and me, he looks after both of us really well, he does more than his fair share of chores, he would do anything to make us happy/keep us safe, he supports me 100% in my business, to the extent of working for me weekends and evenings when I need help, he is very unselfish, very considerate and completely trustworthy and reliable.

All those things are important to me. He is also a high earner and very successful in his career. I am proud of him for what he has achieved, because he deserves the success he has worked hard for, but it's not important to me - I'd genuinely be happy if he was a binman, say, as long as he was the same person.

[HumphreyCushioni]

"he has a ex-poly degree"
That one sentence is dripping in disdain.

Does your H (I notice you didn't use DH) know that you feel he is underachieving, and that you feel like leaving him?

Perhaps he would suggest that he stay at home for the summer holidays instead, to give you a chance to show him what you've got in your high-flying career arsenal?

[Monkeytrousers]

My DP's income is important to me. I'd bet it's blody important to a huge amouny of people on here - whether they come on here and say it or not.

Anyone posting that their DP's income is not important to them when they are high earners is..well..deluded springs to mind.

Money and teh lack of it is the reason relationshiops flounder.

[Monkeytrousers]

HC, it's a statement of fact - had she put "he only has an ex-poly degree" you might be on to soemthing.

Reign yourselves in please.

[expatinscotland]

'Maybe he likes driving/shift work. I work shifts and although tiring, I see DS more than I would working full time days.'

That's why DH likes working shifts, too.

And I like having the both of us home more during the days.

I didn't marry for money or status because my father, of all people, always taught us that if you really want something, if it's really important to you, then why do you want it to be dependent on anyone else but you? Then it's truly yours.

'If you're gonna brag make sure it's your money you front,
You got no one else to give you what you want.'

[expatinscotland]

What the hell is an ex-poly degree?

I know a whole hell of a lot of people who don't use their degree or went back and trained/earned a qualification or degree in something totally different later on.

[flowerybeanbag]

MT can't speak for anyone else obviously, but I personally am not 'deluded' thank you very much.

DH and I have been together since we were 18 and have been through some extremely tough times financially. Now we are fortunate enough not to struggle, but the fact that his personal qualities are important to me and not his income doesn't make me deluded. If his income was important to me we would have split up when he was studying and not earning anything and I was the (very small amount of) breadwinner.

[HermanMunster]

this has to be a wind up.
if not how come you mentioned your "5 good a-levels" and not any university degrees. if you have none then surely that is intellectually lazy and you must be full of self-loathing.

[Quattrocento]

"Anyone posting that their DP's income is not important to them when they are high earners is..well..deluded springs to mind."

I invite you to talk to me. I am not deluded. My DH earns Not-Very-Much. I am not deluded. I am pragmatic. There is a gap between what I wanted for my family and DH's earning-power. I was left with three alternatives:

(i) Reduce my expectations of what I would like to achieve for my children

(ii) Earn the money myself

(iii) Leave DH as clearly being an Unsatisfactory Specimen, failing in the Earning Power Stakes.

You choose. For me (ii) was the only rational option. Clearly you have a different view.

[Monkeytrousers]

Oh god, here come the indignant police.

[Monkeytrousers]

QC, if your DP earns not very much, then why do you think that remotely alludes to you?

[Monkeytrousers]

that comment, I should say

[expatinscotland]

Well, you know what, MT, I'd hate to read my son's wife going on about him like the OP has when he was a good, decent person.

It would really tick me off, because it's shallow and unfair and fecking lazy.

So if that makes me a police, I'm happy to wear that label.

[HumphreyCushioni]

MT, I don't need to reign myself in.

I believe that the OP's comments show disdain for her husband - and highlighted her reference to his degree as it appears rather snide to me.

I'm not indignant - just posting my opinion.

[flowerybeanbag]

[Remotew]

An ex poly degree is a degree from a former polytechnic college. Before they all became universities. I think they were more vocational rather than academic.