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Original poster

Husband's income

111 replies

Salla · 15/07/2008 18:08

How important is your H's income/status or standing in the world to you? My situation: H has been driving for years to support us, I am a SAHM. He has recently taken on a shift job, which is a step too far for me. When he worked regular hours, we had family mornings and evenings together, now he wakes up at 4 am and I do not sleep much either. Before anybody comments, I am looking for work but want to get over the summer holidays first. My H is fairly educated, he has a ex-poly degree from the early -90 but never did much with it apart from the odd temping contract. He is a good father, good man but my heart breaks thinking that he will never get anywhere in his career. I almost feel like leaving him, it's like a biological thing, it's not logical but that is how I feel. I value education highly, have got 5 good A'levels from a European country and do not like intellectually lazy people. Has anybody been in this situation before, I know I should support him because it must be hard for him too, but I am thinking well if he'd build a proper career we would not ben in this shit right now.(Sorry for swearing, I'm really tired)

OP posts:
girlnextdoor · 15/07/2008 21:06

about eve- I think we knew really, the post was ( I assumed) sarcastic- I got mine at one as did my DH [smile}

girlnextdoor · 15/07/2008 21:07

!!

itati · 15/07/2008 21:08

Have only read the OP as too to read any more. You sound shallow to be honest. If you had said your husband has worked hard to get qualified and I admire him that he took less high profile jobs to support us, but know he could achieve more, it would have sounded more supportive.

Remotew · 15/07/2008 21:11

Oh sorry I though someone had asked the question further down, (or up).

Quattrocento · 15/07/2008 21:16

Monkeytrousers, you asked "QC, if your DP earns not very much, then why do you think that remotely alludes to you?". This is what the thread is about isn't it? After all it's a biological thing. We should all be looking for the Biggest and Bestest Provider.

I would suggest to the OP that she look for a Really Big Provider under the bridge.

As for you, MT, congratulations in the "Catch Your Man" stakes.

girlnextdoor · 15/07/2008 21:18

quattro Under the bridge?? Is this code? Please clarify?

quinne · 15/07/2008 21:18

Salla (if youa re still reading this) i think a lot of people in the Uk are status orientated, probably more than they realise.
However there is something which you might not be fully aware of ... people who have careers don't talk about their exam results because its in the past and was only a stepping stone along the way. As a new graduate / school leaver it might help open the first door for you but even then you need more than a certificate. However after that what matters is what you do and how well you do it (and how you play office politics, and so on!)

flowerybeanbag · 15/07/2008 21:20

absolutely quinne. I can't remember the last time I had occasion to talk about my exam results at all. Totally irrelevant for me now.

cocolepew · 15/07/2008 21:22

I talk about my BAGA 1 and 2 all the time.

Remotew · 15/07/2008 21:23

Its a fact of life that some women are looking for a fat wallet in a man. Not all of course. Its easy to feel resentful when you see other women living off with high earners. Especially if you feel forced out to work against your wishes to make ends meet.

The OP was brave to voice this. I wouldn't be happy living with someone with low ambition. If I'm going to struggle I would rather do it alone, which I do, instead of putting someone through my dissapointment. However, if i met someone I really loved I may feel differently, I don't know as it hasn't happened.

The OP is possibly with the wrong man and is realising/coming to terms with this by starting this thread.

spicemonster · 15/07/2008 21:25

Surely you know if you're with a man of little ambition when you get together with him though? And I think it's a bit rich to moan when she doesn't seem to have done anything with her 5 A levels.

But I think the OP is a troll anyway ...

quinne · 15/07/2008 21:26

obviously a BAGA 1 & 2 are worthy exceptions and you do right to remind people of such an achievement!

girlnextdoor · 15/07/2008 21:26

abouteve- agree. I wonder why she married him in the first place- is it only recently that she became bugged by his lack of career and earning-power? Surely his hopes and dreams for the future were discussed pre-wedding? If not, then that was a mistake surely. Isn't one of the most important factors in a successful marriage that you both want the same things out of life- on the big issues anyway- and work together to achieve them?

If you are still reading Salla- please think about this.

cocolepew · 15/07/2008 21:28

Thank you quinne. It's nice to get the recognition.

Quattrocento · 15/07/2008 21:29

Yes "under the bridge" is a code. Meaning the OP is a troll. Which I think is obvious - classic trolling - post some inflammatory nonsense, add a couple of posts then bugger off.

Remotew · 15/07/2008 21:30

I agree about her A levels, not relevant. I don't think she was a troll and mentioned his to say he is a driver but could have done better. In her opinion that is. Maybe she was dreading going out to work, hence feeling disgruntled.

girlnextdoor · 15/07/2008 21:33

Troll- possibly,as most European countries don't do A levels they do the International Baccalauriate (unless she went to an international school and they still tend to do the Int. Bacc.)- spotted that ages back but didn't comment. It consists of 6 subjects at A level- maybe that's what she meant or maybe she IS a troll.

Monkeytrousers · 15/07/2008 21:33

I didn't find anything inflamatory about it. Someone trying to work out their feelings about something before she acts on them. Amen to that!

beanieb · 15/07/2008 21:40

Well.. as far as income goes I am happy with my OH's. He earns as much as me. Sure, if he started doing shift work I would be pissed off because I'd never see him. My work mate's husband works nights and has done for years. He works his arse off to make a good wage, she sees him at weekends and when he wakes her up at 4am which would seriously annoy me, but she says that the fact they never see eachother is wha makes them have a good marriage

Alfreda · 15/07/2008 21:47

Blimey, it's hot in here.

The OP is stressed and finds her dh's new job, presumably taken to earn more money for the family, is putting them all under pressure and taking him away from his children. Like a lot of people she kicks against fate and asks why did it turn out this way?

We all get exasperated at times.

I know a fair few people who either deliberately or not have ended up in jobs which do not reflect their educational attainment. Lack of ambition, dislike of stress and the rat race, or lack of opportunity all fit in there.

Without wishing to be aggressive, I would say to the Op that if money is important to her then she needs to get a job and help out, and she's planning on doing that. Certainly it might help the dh leave the stressful shift job.

I don't think it's a reality for the majority of people in Britain to live comfortably on one salary. You want more, you have to work for it.

coi: have money and status, so easy for me to say it doesn't matter.

beanieb · 15/07/2008 22:01

I have to say though - I agree with the people who are saying that of course it's importand to them. It may not be the reson people get together (i hope not!) but changes in financial circumstance can be worrying and I'm sure many of us would start to feel sentful if our partners didn't care about earning a wage.

girlnextdoor · 15/07/2008 22:03

beanie- yes, it is important to me, but surely the OP would have discussed this with him before he took the shift work? A whole lifestyle change like that is v important- and I do feel sorry for her if she is not getting enough sleep- that's not good. But she needs to talk to HIM!!!!

Monkeytrousers · 15/07/2008 22:08

Well put Alfreda

Iwantmybed · 15/07/2008 22:11

I'm quite interested by your opinion though I'm shocked at how little you value your husband. It's funny because only tonight has DH expressed an interest in becoming a truck driver. He's been a manager in different companies for years and is sick of it all, not to mention our company is showing signs of going under. Now I fully support him in his career choice as it's what he has to do everyday and I couldn't bear him being miserable just to earn a wage. I'm also looking for a demotion to part time work wherever and whatever, cos since we've had DD our priorities have changed. I do feel sad for your DH that you don't support him and a job is just a job and doesn't define you.

ftg · 15/07/2008 22:19

I haven't read all of this so if i contradict or misunderstand apologies, but my DP recently did a complete career change to become a police officer on shift work. We are sooooo less financially well off now, I earn more than him working 3 days a week BUT we are soooo much happier....don't get me wrong it is hard at times financially and I have some lonely weekends/evenings (not so bad now I've recently found MN) but he is so happy when he is home now that life for me and DS is so much better.

I would never have thought this some years ago but those holidays, status of earnings, clothes and all those luxury thingy's I used to spend money on don't matter a jot anymore now I have a smiling DP walking through the door. Now I'm rambling obviously need another glass of wine.