Husband's income

[Salla]

How important is your H's income/status or standing in the world to you? My situation: H has been driving for years to support us, I am a SAHM. He has recently taken on a shift job, which is a step too far for me. When he worked regular hours, we had family mornings and evenings together, now he wakes up at 4 am and I do not sleep much either. Before anybody comments, I am looking for work but want to get over the summer holidays first. My H is fairly educated, he has a ex-poly degree from the early -90 but never did much with it apart from the odd temping contract. He is a good father, good man but my heart breaks thinking that he will never get anywhere in his career. I almost feel like leaving him, it's like a biological thing, it's not logical but that is how I feel. I value education highly, have got 5 good A'levels from a European country and do not like intellectually lazy people. Has anybody been in this situation before, I know I should support him because it must be hard for him too, but I am thinking well if he'd build a proper career we would not ben in this shit right now.(Sorry for swearing, I'm really tired)

[Youcanthaveeverything]

I think some poeple on MN don't think very deeply about the complexity of the psyche of poeple, and give peopele space to be flawed without resorting to name calling and insults.

we are all flawed, we will all have unreasonable, unkind, unacceptable type thougts at times, but it seems that often this is not to be admitted to on MN.

Keep the mask on, tow the line and say what is right and what is general MN wisdom (which incidently seems to often vary considerably from RL wisdom as I experince it.)

People often will cock up, do bad things, or at the very least have bad thoghts, often about those closets to them.

Give poeple some space to be honest, it actually helps tham, and you, in the long run. Acknowledge poeples complexity, without having to categorise them as 'bad'.

Look into your own heart and thoughts carefully before you criticise (didn't that famous jewish bloke say soemthing similar once?)

[Youcanthaveeverything]

The is a famous quote by someone that I can't remember, that went something like this:

'If we could read each others minds, we'd all think each other monsters.'

You get the gist anyway.

Don't reveal your deepest thoughts on MN, you'll get called a monster.

IF anyone knows that actual quote and quoter, I'd like to know!

[ToughDaddy]

well said Youcanhaveeverything. Suppose English isn't Salla's first language? Suppose she was brought up by snobs. Suppose she has many other redeeming features. Would you still knock her that hard.

Has anyone here had to counsel a drug addict or a wife beater? You don't start by beating them round the head? If you do, then you lose them and the ability to influence.

[myheartskipsabeat]

Salla, surely if you love your husband ( and he sounds like a good one), you would want him to be happy? Maybe what he does now keeps him happy! What do you consider to be a 'proper career'? Why does it matter so much to you, what he does to bring in the money? It sounds as though he is working hard to support you and your child(ren) and I for one, think it reasonable that he should be happy in his work. If the money he earns means that you struggle financially, maybe you should consider finding a job sooner rather than later. When my own children were small, I was able to be a SAHM for a few years but had to return to work when the youngest was at nursery. My DH is not overly ambitious in his career, he wants to do well, but not at the expense of the family and sadly, many careers do demand a level of commitment that puts many marriages at risk. We have struggled financially throughout our long marriage, but the children are now almost ready to begin earning and that will take off some of the pressure. The main thing is, that whatever qualifications we have, whether we use them 'properly' or not, we LOVE each other and respect the fact that although neither of us earns a great deal, we both enjoy our jobs and that helps make us less stressed and surely contributes to keeping us happier as a couple.
Try to look at it from your husband's point of view. He is working his socks off to support you and the family, doing his best to provide for you all,not doing a bad job by the sound of it, and what do you do? Criticize his choice of career because it doesn't have enough status! What a kick in the teeth for a decent sounding man!

[ScottishMummy]

but salla has the intellectual inferior qualifications she has A levels and DH has degree. does that make her intellectually lazy by her own standards

[OrmIrian]

"People often will cock up, do bad things". Indeed. Often they will languish in low-paid unintellectually demanding jobs just to pay the bills, simply because work is just a job to them, not a career. Perhaps he'd prefer to stay at home with the children. Perhaps this is a conversation you should be having with him.

[Monkeytrousers]

Another famous jewish bloke said
"they will lean that way forever
While Suzanne holds the mirror"

[girlnextdoor]

mt- you a Leonard Cohen fan then??

[Monkeytrousers]

Can you tell?

[girlnextdoor]

well if you blatantly quote him- YES!

[Monkeytrousers]

How else are you supposed to quote someone but blatantly, I wonder..?