Husband's income

[Salla]

How important is your H's income/status or standing in the world to you? My situation: H has been driving for years to support us, I am a SAHM. He has recently taken on a shift job, which is a step too far for me. When he worked regular hours, we had family mornings and evenings together, now he wakes up at 4 am and I do not sleep much either. Before anybody comments, I am looking for work but want to get over the summer holidays first. My H is fairly educated, he has a ex-poly degree from the early -90 but never did much with it apart from the odd temping contract. He is a good father, good man but my heart breaks thinking that he will never get anywhere in his career. I almost feel like leaving him, it's like a biological thing, it's not logical but that is how I feel. I value education highly, have got 5 good A'levels from a European country and do not like intellectually lazy people. Has anybody been in this situation before, I know I should support him because it must be hard for him too, but I am thinking well if he'd build a proper career we would not ben in this shit right now.(Sorry for swearing, I'm really tired)

[Monkeytrousers]

How else are you supposed to quote someone but blatantly, I wonder..?

[girlnextdoor]

well if you blatantly quote him- YES!

[Monkeytrousers]

Can you tell?

[girlnextdoor]

mt- you a Leonard Cohen fan then??

[Monkeytrousers]

Another famous jewish bloke said
"they will lean that way forever
While Suzanne holds the mirror"

[OrmIrian]

"People often will cock up, do bad things". Indeed. Often they will languish in low-paid unintellectually demanding jobs just to pay the bills, simply because work is just a job to them, not a career. Perhaps he'd prefer to stay at home with the children. Perhaps this is a conversation you should be having with him.

[ScottishMummy]

but salla has the intellectual inferior qualifications she has A levels and DH has degree. does that make her intellectually lazy by her own standards

[myheartskipsabeat]

Salla, surely if you love your husband ( and he sounds like a good one), you would want him to be happy? Maybe what he does now keeps him happy! What do you consider to be a 'proper career'? Why does it matter so much to you, what he does to bring in the money? It sounds as though he is working hard to support you and your child(ren) and I for one, think it reasonable that he should be happy in his work. If the money he earns means that you struggle financially, maybe you should consider finding a job sooner rather than later. When my own children were small, I was able to be a SAHM for a few years but had to return to work when the youngest was at nursery. My DH is not overly ambitious in his career, he wants to do well, but not at the expense of the family and sadly, many careers do demand a level of commitment that puts many marriages at risk. We have struggled financially throughout our long marriage, but the children are now almost ready to begin earning and that will take off some of the pressure. The main thing is, that whatever qualifications we have, whether we use them 'properly' or not, we LOVE each other and respect the fact that although neither of us earns a great deal, we both enjoy our jobs and that helps make us less stressed and surely contributes to keeping us happier as a couple.
Try to look at it from your husband's point of view. He is working his socks off to support you and the family, doing his best to provide for you all,not doing a bad job by the sound of it, and what do you do? Criticize his choice of career because it doesn't have enough status! What a kick in the teeth for a decent sounding man!

[ToughDaddy]

well said Youcanhaveeverything. Suppose English isn't Salla's first language? Suppose she was brought up by snobs. Suppose she has many other redeeming features. Would you still knock her that hard.

Has anyone here had to counsel a drug addict or a wife beater? You don't start by beating them round the head? If you do, then you lose them and the ability to influence.

[Youcanthaveeverything]

The is a famous quote by someone that I can't remember, that went something like this:

'If we could read each others minds, we'd all think each other monsters.'

You get the gist anyway.

Don't reveal your deepest thoughts on MN, you'll get called a monster.

IF anyone knows that actual quote and quoter, I'd like to know!

[Youcanthaveeverything]

I think some poeple on MN don't think very deeply about the complexity of the psyche of poeple, and give peopele space to be flawed without resorting to name calling and insults.

we are all flawed, we will all have unreasonable, unkind, unacceptable type thougts at times, but it seems that often this is not to be admitted to on MN.

Keep the mask on, tow the line and say what is right and what is general MN wisdom (which incidently seems to often vary considerably from RL wisdom as I experince it.)

People often will cock up, do bad things, or at the very least have bad thoghts, often about those closets to them.

Give poeple some space to be honest, it actually helps tham, and you, in the long run. Acknowledge poeples complexity, without having to categorise them as 'bad'.

Look into your own heart and thoughts carefully before you criticise (didn't that famous jewish bloke say soemthing similar once?)

[Monkeytrousers]

PC hell Eve. It's very depressing f it's supposed to be a support site and not just a social one

[mumfor1standmaybe2ndtime]

Your husband is working and you are at home.

Answer - if you are not happy with the situation you are in, then change it!
You get a job!

Or maybe you can scrounge from the state and all sit at home every minute of the day and get under each other's feet?

Sorry but no sympathy, your husband sounds a hard worker and you are moaning about it!

[Monkeytrousers]

yes harsh, and very pious

[OrmIrian]

Well as you are the intellectual in the family get out there and get a job. If your DH gives up his job you can work whenever and whatever hours you want. Either your DH works in whatever manner he wishes, to support your family or you do it. You can't choose his job for him.

Beleive me I started out with just the same kind of prejudices but over the years I've realised that as long as money is coming in it matters not the slightest where it comes from. DH's mum, his older friend and I (a cabal of bossy women!) nagged DH into spending 4 yrs at uni to get a degree he has never used. Now he's a builder and loves it.

[Remotew]

I agree that on mumsnet it is better to keep inner emotions to yourself. You are not going to get a balanced view on certain ishoos. I think this has been discussed on other threads in a light hearted sense. e.g never slag of your other half unless the've been cheating, never express as tiny bit of dissapointment in your child, or admit to being unfaithful or taking drugs. Lots of other Taboos, it can be very pc.

Not that I've posted or partaken in any of the above .

[itati]

When my husband and I met I was earning more than him. Over time we earned about the same for a while and then he over took me. Once we had our child I gave up work and he has supported the family since. He currently earns less than he did 2 years ago but is much happier in his job. It is a struggle at times to manage but my husband being happier in his work is far more inportant that more money for clothes, holidays and take aways, etc

[flowerybeanbag]

Based on the information we were given, I don't think anyone was harsh.

[girlnextdoor]

By harsh, I suppose I mean that the responses were looking at it in a one-sided and very predictable, knee-jerk way. It was impossible for me to write everything, as then I could be identified, so I decided only to confide in my dearest friends who have known me for over 30 years- and know the whole picture.
and they are not friends who don't speak their minds!

anyway,let's not get side-tracked- this thread is about Salla.

[ScottishMummy]

by harsh do you mean that you didnt like the answer?if the responses had been favourable would it be kind and supportive?

thing about asking a collective bunch of people their opinion is you will undoubtably hear stuff you dont like!

not necessarily harsh, just inevitable if courting an opinion

[girlnextdoor]

Toughdaddy - in general, I agree that MN can be harsh- I have posted a couple of things and got no sympathy or understanding, only a "Daily Mail" response. This has made me decide that it is not the place for me to expose various emotions I have- say about my partner- because without knowing ME, MNs cannot offer me the advice or compassion I was seeking.

However, in the case of Salla here, I think you are bing overly charitable to her.
I fully understand her frustrations over a H who is not pulling his weight, as she sees it, regarding bringing in a decent salary. And her feelings over a change of lifestyle- shifts- which means she doesn't sleep well.

BUT it was the way she expressed herself - the sheer disdain with which she described the man that annoyed me. She seemed to be asking for confirmation that we all feel as she does, and that she is right in wanting to leave her husband because of his attitude to work. That would be understandable,imo, but her "attack" on his career and qualifications was venomous. She just seemed to have a huge sneer on her face.

Maybe she just is not good at writing down how she feels- maybe she is- but in this case I can see why she received the reactions she did.

[summer73]

Sorry, typo meant to say 'would love to have more children, better lifestyle".

[summer73]

Salla, I do understand what you are saying- some of the responses on here have been overly harsh. I have a dh who I love and have a baby with. We are both educated and both work. However, it gets me down that my dh (who works really hard) is stuck in a dead end job. Its a well paid job but none the less its not going anywhere and he seems content not to look for another job. The reason it gets me down is that I would love to have known that we cant afford it. I wish sometimes DH would get some ambition and get the job he deserves. Sometimes I even wish I'd married a man who had the capacity to earn more money. In reply to others who say I should go out and earn more if I'm so obsessed with money, I do work and do earn decent wage but I choose to work partime so I can spend time with dd. I'm quite a traditionalist in that although I believe women should work after having children if they wish, for me I'd prefer to be able to stay at home and look after the children while my husband works, at least until the children go back to school and I'll re-enter the workforce fulltime. I do know where you're coming from Salla.

[ToughDaddy]

More like a verbal equivalent of a beating round the head. If people are brave enough to right about their inner fears, insecurities etc, then responses should be tactful. Why else has poor Salla disengaged? We have missed opportunity to engage and influence her positively. Personally, I wouldn't ask anything personal after witnessing the merciless slamming which showed no sensitivity to the fact that this could be a real post by someone experiencing real anxiety about her family situation. We don't know why she has these insecurities? Snobby family or something like that. I think a little tact goes a long way.