Husband's income

[Salla]

How important is your H's income/status or standing in the world to you? My situation: H has been driving for years to support us, I am a SAHM. He has recently taken on a shift job, which is a step too far for me. When he worked regular hours, we had family mornings and evenings together, now he wakes up at 4 am and I do not sleep much either. Before anybody comments, I am looking for work but want to get over the summer holidays first. My H is fairly educated, he has a ex-poly degree from the early -90 but never did much with it apart from the odd temping contract. He is a good father, good man but my heart breaks thinking that he will never get anywhere in his career. I almost feel like leaving him, it's like a biological thing, it's not logical but that is how I feel. I value education highly, have got 5 good A'levels from a European country and do not like intellectually lazy people. Has anybody been in this situation before, I know I should support him because it must be hard for him too, but I am thinking well if he'd build a proper career we would not ben in this shit right now.(Sorry for swearing, I'm really tired)

[ToughDaddy]

MN is meant to be friendly. Whilst OP might have betrayed some signs of status consciousness would you really lay into a friend who said this to you. For me, when my friends have been off the mark in similar way, I have been gentle in my rebuttal. Seems as though OP touched raw nerve.

[cba]

salla, dont know if you are about now.

but, why not look for something for yourself after the summer holidays. it can be hard being at sahm especially when you have got good qualifications and i bet you would love to do something with them.

perhaps if you did something you might feel differently towards your dh who i bet is a wonderful man but you may have lost sight of this at the moment which alot of us can be guilty from time to time.

[NumberJill]

MN has never been brainlessly friendly, and certainly not indiscriminately friendly. That's Netmums.

[ToughDaddy]

compassion? empathy? Isn't really so bad to have said the OP

[NumberJill]

Frankly, ToughDaddy, if any of my friends displayed such outrageously snobbish sentiments about someone who was good enough to get married to, I would be horrified. I don't want to be friends with people who think like that.

[ToughDaddy]

As a friend, I would recognise their good qualities, and subtly point out good qualities of DH. People have all sorts of thoughts, fantasies and emotions. MN is meant to be a "safe" environment, or isn't it?

[NumberJill]

It's safe in that nobody can physically harm you or personally attack you for expressing your opinions. But if you perceive it to be the sort of place where you can say "I don't love my husband any more because he's intellectually lazy and doesn't earn enough" (for an example) and expect only answers along the lines of "there there dear, have some cake" then you have interpreted 'safe' very differently from the way I do.

[thumbwitch]

Just found this thread, haven't read all the pages - it seems like the OP's biggest mistake was to suggest leaving her DH because of his 'lowly' job. That is pretty indefensible IMO. At least he has one.

I don't think it is relevant to suggest she goes out and gets one, especially as she said she was looking for one but I do wonder exactly what she was hoping to get from this thread?

My DH was looking for work for 9m before he got a job and the reason it took so long was because he was trying to move up the ladder, away from his engineering background and into business, having jsut completed a degree in business as a mature student.

Personally, I would have preferred it if he had taken A job and continued his search from a position of employment. In the end, he did so and worked in a supermarket as a team leader. I thought more of him for taking this job and getting some experience than I would have if he had continued to hold out for something more prestigious/ better paid/ better use of his intellectual capacity.

[thumbwitch]

Should have added that he has now got a better job

[Quattrocento]

TD - Mumsnet is perfectly "safe" as an environment. After all the OP did not get a punch on the nose.

[ToughDaddy]

More like a verbal equivalent of a beating round the head. If people are brave enough to right about their inner fears, insecurities etc, then responses should be tactful. Why else has poor Salla disengaged? We have missed opportunity to engage and influence her positively. Personally, I wouldn't ask anything personal after witnessing the merciless slamming which showed no sensitivity to the fact that this could be a real post by someone experiencing real anxiety about her family situation. We don't know why she has these insecurities? Snobby family or something like that. I think a little tact goes a long way.

[summer73]

Salla, I do understand what you are saying- some of the responses on here have been overly harsh. I have a dh who I love and have a baby with. We are both educated and both work. However, it gets me down that my dh (who works really hard) is stuck in a dead end job. Its a well paid job but none the less its not going anywhere and he seems content not to look for another job. The reason it gets me down is that I would love to have known that we cant afford it. I wish sometimes DH would get some ambition and get the job he deserves. Sometimes I even wish I'd married a man who had the capacity to earn more money. In reply to others who say I should go out and earn more if I'm so obsessed with money, I do work and do earn decent wage but I choose to work partime so I can spend time with dd. I'm quite a traditionalist in that although I believe women should work after having children if they wish, for me I'd prefer to be able to stay at home and look after the children while my husband works, at least until the children go back to school and I'll re-enter the workforce fulltime. I do know where you're coming from Salla.

[summer73]

Sorry, typo meant to say 'would love to have more children, better lifestyle".

[girlnextdoor]

Toughdaddy - in general, I agree that MN can be harsh- I have posted a couple of things and got no sympathy or understanding, only a "Daily Mail" response. This has made me decide that it is not the place for me to expose various emotions I have- say about my partner- because without knowing ME, MNs cannot offer me the advice or compassion I was seeking.

However, in the case of Salla here, I think you are bing overly charitable to her.
I fully understand her frustrations over a H who is not pulling his weight, as she sees it, regarding bringing in a decent salary. And her feelings over a change of lifestyle- shifts- which means she doesn't sleep well.

BUT it was the way she expressed herself - the sheer disdain with which she described the man that annoyed me. She seemed to be asking for confirmation that we all feel as she does, and that she is right in wanting to leave her husband because of his attitude to work. That would be understandable,imo, but her "attack" on his career and qualifications was venomous. She just seemed to have a huge sneer on her face.

Maybe she just is not good at writing down how she feels- maybe she is- but in this case I can see why she received the reactions she did.

[ScottishMummy]

by harsh do you mean that you didnt like the answer?if the responses had been favourable would it be kind and supportive?

thing about asking a collective bunch of people their opinion is you will undoubtably hear stuff you dont like!

not necessarily harsh, just inevitable if courting an opinion

[girlnextdoor]

By harsh, I suppose I mean that the responses were looking at it in a one-sided and very predictable, knee-jerk way. It was impossible for me to write everything, as then I could be identified, so I decided only to confide in my dearest friends who have known me for over 30 years- and know the whole picture.
and they are not friends who don't speak their minds!

anyway,let's not get side-tracked- this thread is about Salla.

[flowerybeanbag]

Based on the information we were given, I don't think anyone was harsh.

[itati]

When my husband and I met I was earning more than him. Over time we earned about the same for a while and then he over took me. Once we had our child I gave up work and he has supported the family since. He currently earns less than he did 2 years ago but is much happier in his job. It is a struggle at times to manage but my husband being happier in his work is far more inportant that more money for clothes, holidays and take aways, etc

[Remotew]

I agree that on mumsnet it is better to keep inner emotions to yourself. You are not going to get a balanced view on certain ishoos. I think this has been discussed on other threads in a light hearted sense. e.g never slag of your other half unless the've been cheating, never express as tiny bit of dissapointment in your child, or admit to being unfaithful or taking drugs. Lots of other Taboos, it can be very pc.

Not that I've posted or partaken in any of the above .

[OrmIrian]

Well as you are the intellectual in the family get out there and get a job. If your DH gives up his job you can work whenever and whatever hours you want. Either your DH works in whatever manner he wishes, to support your family or you do it. You can't choose his job for him.

Beleive me I started out with just the same kind of prejudices but over the years I've realised that as long as money is coming in it matters not the slightest where it comes from. DH's mum, his older friend and I (a cabal of bossy women!) nagged DH into spending 4 yrs at uni to get a degree he has never used. Now he's a builder and loves it.

[Monkeytrousers]

yes harsh, and very pious

[mumfor1standmaybe2ndtime]

Your husband is working and you are at home.

Answer - if you are not happy with the situation you are in, then change it!
You get a job!

Or maybe you can scrounge from the state and all sit at home every minute of the day and get under each other's feet?

Sorry but no sympathy, your husband sounds a hard worker and you are moaning about it!

[Monkeytrousers]

PC hell Eve. It's very depressing f it's supposed to be a support site and not just a social one