Thirty years wasted

[backyourself]

So, had thought DP was acting oddly, nothing I could put my finger on. We’d booked to get married which he didn’t seem in the least excited about, which after 30 years together, we needed to do for inheritance purposes. I couldn’t shake the feeling, kept asking him, he said he was either tired, busy with work etc etc.
i go down to the kitchen on Friday morning and there’s his phone - so I checked it. He’d been messaging a woman over 30 years younger than him who works in his building. She’d initiated the contact, but he must have given her his number. She sent him a mirror selfie to which he replies ‘Beautiful, thank you!’ - they’ve met a couple of times in her office, with him responding ‘can’t wait for the next catch up’. I’ve told him it’s over between us but he says he’ll do anything to make it better, he doesn’t know what he was thinking, he didn’t know how to respond to her! I just feel so disrespected and disgusted, I can’t believe he’s done it. I feel like I don’t even know who he is, he’s in his 60’s FFS. The weirdest thing is, I feel validated, like I’ve trusted my gut and was right. It’s like the niggling doubts that I’ve had over the years but never taken further, I was probably right every time. I think I should feel devastated but I just don’t, is this shock?

Anger and pride can often trump the desire to work things out.

I think the why and the relationship between them IS relevant to what the interactions between them mean. If she reports to him, I think thats very relevant.

Gosh, this is hard. I found out that my first H (of 20 years) had been trying to snog women when he was drunk. I actually didn't leave him, as we had young children etc, but after 4 years I just couldn't feel the same about him anymore. And he didn't stop the behaviour either!

Now granted, your DH hasn't done anything as bad as this, but I think my advice would be to sit tight and see how your emotions develop over time.

I certainly wouldn't like this at all though. I would want to get past it, but I'm not sure that I could. Have you asked him how he would feel if you were receiving photo's from another man? Or if you were sending another man pics of yourself with a tight top on? I bet he'd hate it.

I think at the very least, I would have to make him believe that he's blown it. He needs to really, really shit himself. I'd make him stay in the spare room, and I'd be arranging nights out with female friends, dolled up to the nines, go awol, don't answer messages etc.

Funnily enough, the only time my first H really did repent was when I was leaving, so there you go. I did meet someone else just 2 months later, and we have been together for 18 years now, so there are definitely more fish in the sea.

I believe you've completely lost your marbles over .... nothing. You sound quite controlling and insecure (they go hand in hand). After 30 yrs please leave the guy have some sort of female friendship, because that's how it sounds based on those text messages.

I think you need more time. I would also want to talk it through with someone who knew us both and who I could trust - is there such a person? A friend, not one of your children. If not, a relationship counsellor might be able to do this. When I had relationship counselling, we saw her individually first and then together, so she could get each of our stories before seeing our dynamic in person.

I say this because I see your shock and hurt, and I also get that right now you’re questioning everything, and you’re also grappling with the question of what it would say about you, or mean for your self image, if you don’t leave him over this. I think a lot would depend, for me, on what he does now and going forward. And it would also depend on how I felt about the new future. If after a few weeks, you still feel that you respect him less, that’s probably fatal for the relationship. But if respect is still there and he is showing you that he is genuinely remorseful, maybe you can get through this.

I’m stunned. I never thought I’d see a thread on mumsnet where the majority are telling the OP to stay with her cheating partner and making excuses for him. Usually it’s the opposite, with everyone suggesting LTB over the slightest miscommunication or minor argument.

Here we have a man who has actively encouraged this woman who is younger than his own children, calling her ‘beautiful, meeting up in his office with her and saying he ‘Can’t wait’ to see her again. Those are not the actions of someone who was bewildered and didn’t know how to respond. If that had been the case, he would have ignored her messages and/or disclosed them to his partner for advice.

A catch up refers to any communication- message, text, phone call as well as in person.

The OP clarified he HAS refused all lunch/dinner or similar meetings.

As for random seeing each other in the building they work in and having a catch up… work colleagues say and do that all the time. There is nothing wrong with making friends in your work building, no matter their age or sex.

It was the selfie she sent him and he calling her beautiful that was unprofessional and crossing the line into flirtation imho.

except that we need to for inheritances purposes or else I will have to pay to stay in my own home.

Why would you need to pay to stay in your own home?

What has changed in the past 30 years to make this suddenly the case?

(Sorry I’m not up to date with inheritance laws etc).

Did you miss the part where OW sent a pic of herself in a tight top, and he replied "beautiful"?? 🙄

@Dorothyperky I’ve often said to friends about trying harder to save the relationship, my Dad used to say the grass may be greener on the other side but it still needs cutting, so I’m mindful of taking ones own medicine, perhaps thats too many idioms in one sentence but you get the gist.
I will not do anything hasty, I was looking at houses because that’s how I deal with things, I’m practical. Once I saw what I could afford, did my sums, I felt confident that this could pan out any way I wanted it to, I don’t have to be afraid of a future on my own, I’ve got options.

You’ve got to be a man @toiletpaperthief

Yep.

So? Marriage is not some elevated proof of love.

I would be far more angry with the young woman who lured him into her trap & pursued him with her intent

Oh please, spare us. Presumably she wasn't holding a gun to his head when she got his telephone number. What was wrong with a polite refusal from him?

I have been where you are and this thread has been full of comments/views that also mirror my experience.

I divorced mine after 36 years aged 59.
We did marry as I fell pregnant accidentally a year after we met.
He was seen by everyone as 'a good man/husband/father' much in the same way yours is.
But he never wore a ring. He had one but chose not to wear it.

He cheated the first time after 5 years. It killed something inside me (I know now) but it was dismissed by everyone as 'a bit of fun', my fault as I didn't give him enough attention (yes, that's the old one) even though I was running a business and doing 90% of the toddler parenting. I also accepted his narrative of being 'weak in the face of temptation' and it meant nothing bla bla bla.

So, in the words of Chump Lady (who's book literally saved my sanity when I read it 5 years ago) I ate the s**t sandwich, took all the blame and we carried on building a very good life together. People honestly thought we were a great couple together and maybe we were.

However, I found out about a new affair 30 years after the first and my gut instinct was to just walk away despite the disruption to my adult children, grandchildren (like you I help out a lot) our shared life, the comfortable retirement we were about to start that we had worked hard to get.

Then I started to weigh up what I would lose and what I would gain. Mostly in terms of maintains a close, supportive family unit and financial stability. Also the sunken costs fallacy came into play hugely.

But it changed something inside me, almost like a light going out. At this point I had nothing to gain but everything to lose.

He didn't want to end it (and tried chucking the old narrative at me) but I knew I had to have space from him so asked him to leave. We owned 2 properties near each other so it was possible.

I booked some therapy for myself, went away to a yoga retreat, felt like I was having a breakdown and my self esteem was on the floor.

But the space I took for myself was invaluable at that time and I pushed through the divorce, created my own home, a moderate income and I still do all the family things I used to do just solo now.

My XH liked to have a Wife Appliance plus the status of a long marriage as it signalled to others that he one of the good guys. But he also felt entitled to a bit of 'fun' on the side.

In the past 5 years I've found out about all the other dalliances/ flirting/ short affairs it turned he had had throughout the marriage. Turns out our children knew about some but never told me. A couple of mutual friends had and one said to she thought we had an Open Marriage as he was so flirtatious when we weren't together as a couple.

This post is more to say to you (from my own experience) don't hide from how this makes you feel (horrendous probably) as it almost doesn't matter if he's just indulged in a bit of flirty stuff or gone all the way with a secret sexual basement (Minwalla is good to read about this) it's all about how it's affecting you.
Id get some individual therapy and as another poster suggested, go away for 2/3 weeks and do something that you're interested in. Go no contact for that time.

I won't post too much about how I am 5 years on just that my kids now see it was the best thing I could do for me. I have so much peace within myself now, normal levels of confidence and self esteem and, for me now, I have no regrets. My life is far far better in most ways (except financially).

The biggest issue is he lied by omission and it's only stopped because you found out.

I've quoted this before on other threads but it was the one quote that really cleared my head and it's so true.

A lie is an assumption of power over another. A lie is an assault that attacks not only the dignity of the other person but also their physical and mental well-being.
A lie steals power from the one deceived. It reduces their alternatives.
It causes the betrayed person to act as they never would have acted had they known the truth.
A liar deliberately feeds inaccurate information, and when there are children, the lies reverberate in their lives as well.

Im so sorry, He's not interested or excited about marrying you after 30 yrs together ,hes been sexting a young woman from work and you only found out because you looked at his phone. If you hadnt acted on your instincts you would be non the wiser and its likely this would have escalated ,if indeed you know the whole truth now.He and she deny more than you've got proof of (well they would wouldn't they) That must be incredibly painful and even if you go the "silly old harmless fool "route ,how you could ever be attracted to or respect him again i don't know.

It's proof of a willingness to commit legally. If you love your partner and she wants to marry, why wouldn't you, if you love her so much?

NO, i didn’t shout ‘only’.
Interested tho that you can’t tell the difference between the legality of the marriage contract & a couple living together?

Thank you @Lifeislove for sharing your experience, I’m so sorry you had to go through it too, but glad you’ve found your happy now.
This thread has been amazing for me, I’m so grateful to all of you, even the shitty replies, as they’ve made me laugh just a little bit.

I am a bit surprised at all the "he's done nothing wrong, get over it" brigade here. If you had been younger or together for a shorter amount of time, I suspect the responses would be different.

When you have been with someone for half your life, have children and grandchildren, something like this hits even harder. Especially as this is not the first time you have suspected something may be up, it's just the first time he was caught. I don't buy the whole "I was mislead, I didn't know what to do" shit. He is a grown man ffs. He knew what to do, he just didn't do it.

The fact that you have been together for so long should have had him protecting your relationship as second nature, not flirting with someone who is younger than your children. He didn't, it has changed how you see him, and you may never be able to get that love/respect back. This is all on him. If you decide to end it, it is not you blowing anything up. He did that himself the first time he initiated or responded inappropriately to someone outside your relationship.

I am in a similar situation, 2 years on. 35+ years of marriage. We are not doing as well financially as you seem to be, which is why I am still with him. Leaving at the time of discovery would have meant putting myself into poverty and as I am nearing retirement age, staying was self protection. I have been quietly getting my ducks in a row and by the time my state pension rolls around I will be ready.

My H has done everything in his power to make things up to me, which has muddied the waters a bit but not enough that I can't see clearly. He changed jobs, is completely transparent with phones and computers, etc. We did go to counselling for a while which helped him understand just how devastating his actions were to me and our relationship. Nothing can erase what he has done, so I need to decide just what I can and cannot live with.

I now look at him differently. It has changed how I look back on our lives, too. All the times I felt things weren't quite right. The fact that he could prioritise someone else over me, knowing how it would harm our relationship and both our lives. Knowing it only came out because I found the evidence, not because he was honest with me. The constant tight feeling in my chest when he picks up his phone. It hasn't eased and I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life, wondering what he is or isn't up to. The love and respect I used to have for him dies a little more each day.

You don't need to make any decisions today. Whether you can move on from this and still have a good life is something you probably won't know yet. I don't think I can.

The weirdest thing is, I feel validated, like I’ve trusted my gut and was right. It’s like the niggling doubts that I’ve had over the years but never taken further, I was probably right every time.

This, from OP's first post is what I think needs to be focused on.
Do you want to use this latest event as a springboard to release yourself from him?

I agree with this. It was just a few flirty messages that gave the old guy a shot in the arm. He was avoiding even having lunch with her! I suppose he just found the attention impossible to resist. As for what she wants, she's probably just discovered Pretty Woman and has a thing about silver foxes.

OP, don't blow up your life. He wasn't even going to have a meal with her, let alone anything else!

Yes, I read all the OP posts before writing mine, then went back to the beginning and thought oh hang on. There is more to this.

• niggling doubts over the years
• lack of interest in or excitement about the upcoming marriage
• “I couldn’t shake the feeling, kept asking him, he said he was either tired, busy with work etc etc.”

We are socially conditioned to dismiss our gut instinct if listening to it will create social/financial inconvenience. @backyourself i wonder whether some time away and a conversation with a trusted friend (as I mentioned before) might help you get to the bottom of these niggling doubts and feelings? Maybe a friend could offer new information or perspective?

Caveat that I have only skimmed the full thread.

I am usually quite quick to say LTB but in your case I think it's an overreaction. It sounds like you have build a good, expansive life together over many years that would be obliterated over something stupid. I would allow for the possibility he has just been really stupid and try to address it in a more proportionate way like some therapy as a couple. Unless I have missed something else (apologies if so) then you would be losing a lot over something pretty trivial in the grand scheme of things.

To be clear, he has behaved really badly and your feelings of betrayal are entirely justified, I just personally wouldn't see it as worth ending your marriage over unless there is more.

Hi OP 👋
I haven't RTFT just your replies and I am sorry you're going through this 😔
⚠️ warning, this is a long post!

Your 64 year old partner is messaging a woman aged 29, who is 35 years younger than him - that's a major ick!
She is old enough to be his daughter and possibly his granddaughter. 🤢

You say her sister mentioned that her career was looking better- did he play a part in that?
He works in the same building, but not the same company, but did he put in a word for her somehow, or has he influenced her career? 🤔

Sounds like he has a case of Ragnar Lothbrok, he has a feisty equal shield maiden partner at home, who is self sufficient, but he has had his head turned by a younger adoring female (Aslaug) and he liked the attention and ego boost.
What a silly silly fool he is! 🫩

He is probably fearful that you will expose this turn of events to your family and friends and he will suffer (deservedly I may add) a fall out and it will make everyone look at him with different eyes.
You said he was acting oddly and then mentioned about marriage and divorce?
Yet he was willing to risk the entire life you had, for a few moments of thrill seeking?
Silly silly fool 🙄

I would normally say LTB, but only you know in your heart of hearts what you would want to do.
Some people would say stay, but that is your call.
Would you want to stay with him, or even marry him after all this? 🤔

I could not keep this secret and not have any consequences after his actions and probable sulking behaviour. But thats just me personally.
He doesn't get to behave like this and then everything be hunky dory.
Has he ever done this in the past?
Would he do it again in future?
I don't know if i could trust him again.
If you do decide to split and sell the house etc, then the truth will come out eventually.
If you decide to stay, then he needs to pull his finger out and go to therapy and earn/ repair your trust and respect. 💯

Whatever you decide OP, i honestly wish you all the best. 🫂
@backyourself