Dh never happy about our sex life

[dofuckoff]

so pissed off right now and need a third party perspective.
long term marriage.
dh always complaining that I don’t initiate sex enough. Long term complaint. Recently I’ve started to initiate (even though I don’t feel like I want it but usually am ok when I get going), and he’s started saying no because it’s not passionate/no effort from me, and I expect to just lie there and him to get on with it. I don’t but that’s what he feels. The more he complains the less I want it because I’m so pissed off now I’m initiating and he’s saying no.
I just feel like he’s always looking for a reason to be dissatisfied.
I just told him he’s being very feminine for wanting passionate, foreplay, effort sex and I said I’m not the one with the dick. He said he couldn’t believe how narrow minded I was being and went downstairs.
ok I’m a dick for saying all that but I just feel like he’s being a fucking princess and should be glad he’s getting any sex at all. His drive is very high (every day) whereas mine is pretty much non existent. No fucking surprises.

I think you would probably be surprised how quickly the desire would come back if you didn’t have a big baby complaining daily.

I’ve been with my DH for 25 years and while we aren’t at it every day we do very much still have passionate sex sessions with lots of foreplay , instigated by both of us at various times. BUT it could be 3 times one week and then nothing for 4 weeks. It could be 4 days in a row and nothing for 2 weeks. Nothing for 6 weeks then daily for a week. It very much depends on life. What’s his work pattern, how is my health ( lots of various issues), is the 18yo dd at home or staying out, and most importantly for me-do I feel my family are appreciating me and the efforts I put into the running the house and do I feel seen and not taken advantage of. If the balance is off, I very much feel like I’m being exploited and my sex drive plummets.

tbh I couldn’t be doing with my DH being a sex pest and making demands and then when I met them refusing. Very much princess and the pea/Goldilocks behaviour and just URGH! When I’m in the bedroom I expect my DH to pretty much in charge as I literally facilitate our entire lives. Not to say I’m not assertive at times, I do make a fuss of him occasionally and worship at his alter ( if you will) but I like that he’s a man and in charge in the bedroom.

Yet you have no reservations about calling a woman a bitch and you don’t think that’s sexist at all. Whatever.

Why revolting? It is true, it’s normal. And if she wants a happy sex life with her husband she should be seeking help. Not just complaining about her husband who wants to feel wanted by his wife.

I spent almost 20 years with my ex husband and he was expecting the same - to see me burning in passion, wet and always ready. I was at the point when I counted flowers on our wallpaper during se* because it was so boring. I thought the same, that I could happily live without it the rest of my live.
However, I got secret romantic relationship with a person I shouldn't and I was orgasming multiple times (I never had orgasm with my husband), I was wet instantly when thinking about him. I was literally "burning " from passion, excitement and pleasure 🔥

Well yes maybe I do sound like a bitch but at least im a self aware one, unlike you , preaching about me being sexist and then using words like bitch against women. Maybe you should get off my thread or practice what you preach.

Hmm. I've been on both sides of this. Up until Menopause my sex drive was through the roof, and DH rarely wanted sex. I was so frustrated with him, that I could have killed him for not having enough sex with me, and for his lack of desire. Now my sex drive has dropped, it's a bit of a relief, and I can now see his side more, in so much as it's hard to push yourself into sex you're not fussed for.

So, I do have some sympathy for your DH, because it is just horrible to be packed with desire and with nowhere to channel it. Most days I felt like I could explode with frustration - and you just can't control it. Also resentment sets in, because you just can't get your partner to understand what you are feeling, as they just bob around feeling.....nothing. I used to look at my DH and think Are you dead below he waist??

Just be prepared for him to wander if you don't ever have sex with him. I didn't, because I love my DH too much to risk at all, but I can honestly see how I might have, if the opportunity had presented itself.

Could you schedule it for once a week? That would have been okay for me, and my anger was often that DH couldn't even do that for me. Last time we had sex was July....in the past I would be raging by now, but I'm just meh at this point.

I just told him he’s being very feminine for wanting passionate, foreplay, effort sex and I said I’m not the one with the dick

Yeah your husband is not the one coming off poorly here…

I think working women are just too exhausted to think about sex.

The highest my libido ever was when I was a stay at home mother.

This might be the issue. Sex isn’t something men ‘do to women’ while they just lie there. If my partner was so passive it would make me feel like they were just going through the tick box exercise. I kind a know how he feels and it’s rotten. There’s a difference between wanting sex where two people are mutually engaged and passionate in pleasing each other m, and wanting a porn scene. Sounds like a compatibility problem.
I generally have a poor opinion of most men but I actually feel a bit sorry for this one.

I ageee. The poor bloke.

Yes I see where you’re coming from.

I also think he has his whole self image tied up in how much I desire him/don’t desire him and I think it impacts his confidence and self worth.

to summarise all the questions and comments:

we do have sex - not every day, around 3 times a week.

I always orgasm when we do have sex. I am a willing participant and it’s not coerced , the second he sees I’m really not up for it he backs off completely. I’m usually good to go if he initiates and does abit of foreplay . I also do foreplay, im not just laying there having things done to me.
For the last two decades we had a great sex life but I’d say mostly in the last year my drive has noticeably dipped.

sometimes the average does dip and because I think he’s already compromising on the amount we are having it to begin with, the dip is too much of a dip for him. That’s where the problem starts.
we have considered couples counselling and need to find a therapist , he’s pushing this more than me actually.

I didnt call you a bitch. That was someone else. That was my first post on this thread.

Maybe if men did their fair share of the **household labour and child rearing, they wouldn’t have the time or the energy to be badgering their partners for daily sex.

And sex which isn’t entered into enthusiastically and without coercion isn’t really consensual is it?

** (50% as a starting point, then adjusted for differences in number of hours worked outside the home).

No sorry I tagged the wrong person. Apologies.

I don’t work.

This is such a backwards way of looking at sex.

And weirdly centred the entire sex act around PIV only. I think it’s fine for him to only want to have sex with an enthusiastic partner. It’s fine for you to not want sex. Seems like neither of you know how to voice your fashion in a mature adult fashion though.

3 times a week would have been brilliant for me, and seems very regular! We were only having sex once every 2 months, always at my instigation, that's what made me so mad. Blimey, 3 times a week - I would have had ZERO complaints.

However before someone piles on and uses this against me, I have my own income as well as dh providing.

money isn’t an issue in our relationship.

I think it goes both ways. Unless you are having sex everyday as he would like, he is compromising too. You are right, there is more to marraige than sex, but a healthy sex-life is important. It sounds like you are just incompatible, which is fine but it's not sustainable. I sympathise with you both -having to initate sex with someone when it's the last thing you want to do sounds awful, having sex with someone who clearly doesn't want to, sounds just as bad, in his shoes I would have said no as well. That's not a criticism of you, if you don't want to, you don't want to and forcing it won't make it any easier.

I think you should truly fuck off. Is that better?

I'm a long way down the road of a sexless marriage, so I know what lies ahead for this couple unless they take a long, hard look at themselves. If the husband had posted, I'd be speaking to him, but he didn't so I'm not.

There seem to be women here who react with glee when they hear of a couple not having sex. "Yep, that'll teach him!" What a fucking weird attitude.

Both partners need to come from a position of compassion and curiosity about the other. When the bloke posts here, I'll tell him the same. Meanwhile, calling your husband's behaviour that of a "princess", and describing his behaviour as "feminine", and not in a positive way, is telling. A therapist would have questions.

I agree.
I think OP is being unreasonable with her weird attitude that its feminine for men to enjoy foreplay and for saying her dh should just be glad he's getting any sex at all.

But I think her dh is being unreasonable for expecting sex everyday. 2-3 times a week great, every day too much in my book, but maybe I'm just old 😅