Dh never happy about our sex life

[dofuckoff]

so pissed off right now and need a third party perspective.
long term marriage.
dh always complaining that I don’t initiate sex enough. Long term complaint. Recently I’ve started to initiate (even though I don’t feel like I want it but usually am ok when I get going), and he’s started saying no because it’s not passionate/no effort from me, and I expect to just lie there and him to get on with it. I don’t but that’s what he feels. The more he complains the less I want it because I’m so pissed off now I’m initiating and he’s saying no.
I just feel like he’s always looking for a reason to be dissatisfied.
I just told him he’s being very feminine for wanting passionate, foreplay, effort sex and I said I’m not the one with the dick. He said he couldn’t believe how narrow minded I was being and went downstairs.
ok I’m a dick for saying all that but I just feel like he’s being a fucking princess and should be glad he’s getting any sex at all. His drive is very high (every day) whereas mine is pretty much non existent. No fucking surprises.

I think I felt like this for a long time, it’s all about pleasing the man but have actually changed with menopause and focusing more on my own enjoyment but if my partner was wanting it everyday it would make me feel like I never wanted it again as I’ve been there before and the expectation kills any desire

Op, does he have redeeming qualities? I know this is about a particular issue but he sounds very negative. I assume there must have been positive qualities when you began the relationship?

Is it some sort of power thing, badgering for sex then when you do initiate, rejecting you?

Oh gosh, he sounds insufferable. I would struggle to have sec with him 3x a year let alone 3x a week. My vagina would zip shut with all the whining

This is genuinely my marriage it’s now become a weekly argument. I do enjoy sex but I’m getting more and more and more put off with every arguement that takes place because I think are you joking me we were intimate 2 x last week, I dressed up on one of those occasions and yet you’re saying I have no interest or not like we were 10 years ago? ! And my husband also expects hours of sexting to build up not foreplay like that’s his foreplay and if it’s 20/30mins he’ll throw in argument like I want passionate nights just hours of sex like we used to? What pre 3 kids , pre menopause , pre hysterectomy & cancer or just the fact that I’m older and I’m not almost like carefree trying to be fun .

sorry for my list but I completely understand your post the discussion around it constantly is such a turn off so I get u 100%

That’s exhausting, I had similar with partner in my 20s and I just wanted left alone, it’s calmed way down now, the expectation is the biggest passion killer and you feel like you can’t relax

Typical response from a bloke.
Aren't you getting what you want either, @LochSunart?

Crikey I'm 42 and so glad I don't have your views lol. Better than ever in bed several times a week still. You have some weird views foreplay is for both sides a lot of fun to. You sound so mismatched and tbh I would complain if my dh was just lying there saying some of the not nice stuff your saying plus the come to bed with a hard dick and get on with it isn't exactly loving lol

Why are you trying to have sex you don’t want? You’re basically wanting to keep him around, but you’re clearly incompatible.

I’d not want to have sex with someone if I thought they weren’t 100% up for it and only doing it to please me, and that will be coming across to him so I don’t think he’s being unreasonable there, even though I do understand you’re making an effort.

You were also very unreasonable for calling him feminine for wanting passionate sex, there’s nothing inherently feminine about it. He just wants you to want him. However, you can’t change the way you feel about this, so either you carry on both accepting as you are, or you split. I think the latter is best because you sound as if you both have mismatched sex drives and ideas of sex and resentment has set in.

I think that this is key, especially with what you've said about him being a massive moaner. He doesn't sound a good person to be with. Could you manage some counselling? For you, not couples counselling as I don't think that he will have any interest in actually doing the work to support the relationship.

I don’t think wanting your spouse to be into you is feminine or pathetic. I understand there is a mismatch of drives here but wanting sex with a partner who is into it is obviously very important to him, as it is to most people with a high sex drive. I get how it can feel like an imposition on you, but no one is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ here. You need to be able to speak openly, communicate your needs (and not shame each other for them, or the lack of them) and come to some compromise. Or not.

This, absolutely.

It sounds like he's confusing a warm intimate human tumble in the hay with staged, artificial, over-acted airbrushed porn and he needs to realise that.

The fact you make the effort and initiate in an effort to please him says much about your commitment to your marriage. His whining and saying no would be a complete turn-off. What an idiot.

Or is he worried he won't be able to get it up without the imagery of porn?

Reading all your posts and taking in to account your views around sex and foreplay, and his new need for enthusiasm/effort (which in manspeak is often how they, badly, ask for tenderness and connection) I think you have got yourselves all in a tangle.

If you still love and respect your husband, would you consider doing marriage therapy?

These posts read as if you really dislike him, find him pathetic? If so, I would find it hard to come back from.

You husband is obviously half the problem here but I can't address him, so sorry if this comment seems directed at you.

Wanting a bit of passion and desire isn't feminine or pathetic of him and sex shouldn't be all about him and his penis - do you get any enjoyment from it usually? If you really never want sex again then you should end the relationship

I couldn’t deal with this level of pathetic.. do you look up to him / genuinely respect him as a person? Of course not at this point- he’s clearly an idiot emotionally and the deep connection between the two of you is gone based on what you’ve said here. You’d be happier without him. Think about what your future would look like without him in it. Xox

Yes, I totally agree here. He’s not seeing you as a real person.

Get a divorce.

Been here and it was definitely a power trip on ex husbands part. He wanted me to dress up then rejected me when I did. Kept complaining about the “ maintenance sex” and wanting more and more excitement. With three small children and major worries all the time, his constant whining and complaining and put downs killed any love or desire I had for him. Sex drive came back with a bang 😂when we split. Turned out he had a long term affair partner…..

What she said was awful. But it’s not ok to constantly criticise your partner for ‘not doing sex right.’ She reacted.

My sex drive came back when I divorced my ex too! Thought it was dead in the water. Nope. Just needed to live without walking on eggshells it turned out.

Id of said worse to mine if he'd tried that shit with me
Never ever ever have sex you don't 100%want ..it fucks with your mental health,it introduces resentment in to your marriage,you end up feeling used and destroys the love between you ...
You are quite right he is the one with the dick ...you are the one with women's hormones ..does he need a biology lesson about peri , menopause, libido .
That libido for women begins by the man the man doing his fair share round the house with the kids and taking an equal share of shitty jobs in the marriage..
Women who are supported in their marriage and have a DH who does their fair share of household jobs , cooking, cleaning, washing childcare ...all equal ..those women tend to have a higher sex drive .
Men who winge about sex are a turn off ..my fanny would slam shut iif my DH even tried a fraction of that manipulation on me ..tell him to get to fuck ,nasty manipulative arse that he is

Time for you both to go your separate ways. Do not think that you are ever going to agree.

Have you ever enjoyed sex with him? The way you describe it as being all about him, it sounds like maybe he hasn’t been reciprocating as a lover at all.

Wow, I was expecting you to day you were a lot older than 42 OP.

Assuming he's also early 40s there's no reason physically he could have sex every day.

You sound incompatible. Neither of you are going to be happy in this relationship long term. It doesn't come across like you actually like each other?

You both sound as bad as each other to be honest. He shouldn’t be nagging but also what you said to him was pretty vile.