Dh never happy about our sex life

[dofuckoff]

so pissed off right now and need a third party perspective.
long term marriage.
dh always complaining that I don’t initiate sex enough. Long term complaint. Recently I’ve started to initiate (even though I don’t feel like I want it but usually am ok when I get going), and he’s started saying no because it’s not passionate/no effort from me, and I expect to just lie there and him to get on with it. I don’t but that’s what he feels. The more he complains the less I want it because I’m so pissed off now I’m initiating and he’s saying no.
I just feel like he’s always looking for a reason to be dissatisfied.
I just told him he’s being very feminine for wanting passionate, foreplay, effort sex and I said I’m not the one with the dick. He said he couldn’t believe how narrow minded I was being and went downstairs.
ok I’m a dick for saying all that but I just feel like he’s being a fucking princess and should be glad he’s getting any sex at all. His drive is very high (every day) whereas mine is pretty much non existent. No fucking surprises.

And yes about the sending food back , it just gets on my nerves so badly , recently he’s realised he’s doing it and is trying to stop but it’s an old habit. He’s just a fussy fucker with food (not mine though, I’d break his balls if he did that to my cooking)

I think your husband just wants to feel desired from time to time, it might not be about the frequency, but the way you initiate when you do. He probably can well full sense that for you it’s a tick off the list, a chore you have to perform. That’s what put him off when he refused. How’s the intimacy between you apart from sex? Do you chat, cuddle? Or do you live your lives next to each other but not really together? Coz he might be thinking that sex is still the only thing that keeps you as a couple…?
edited to add: I’d compare it to a situation when a woman keeps nagging her partner about lack of romantic gestures, so to satisfy her he buys her petrol station flowers.

Yes!! This . He’s taken that as me not wanting it however . I do want it once he gets me going and that’s probably where my views about foreplay being feminine came from. Of course I do believe that men also need touching hugging kissing etc , just not in the same way women do

This is just awful. You don’t really want to do it at all and are doing it to stay married.

i see this everywhere I look.

Im sorry but the second half of your post is bollocks. You don’t want sex, fine. But
don’t try and justify it by saying its normal. Plenty of women in long term relationships still want and have regular sex.

I’d be very unhappy if my DH was like the OP. I’ve been married w0 years and we still have it around 3 times a week. To say being married that long should mean you don’t get it as much is absurd.

If I knew someone was forcing themselves to have sex with me when they didn’t want it, I wouldn’t be up for it either.
I suspect your reluctance is coming across OP and he’s sensing it.

Doesnt solve the issue as I suspect rather than expecting you to have sex with him reluctantly, he’s hoping you’re more excited/enthusiastic about having sex with him. Difficult under the circumstances tho!

Ah the classic MN “men won’t die if they don’t have sex” comment.
No they won’t. But you know what will die? The relationship.

I'm a man, probably in a situation similar to your partner and I do understand what you are saying about reactive and proactive desire.

The only thing I would say is that if the man is always expected to be the one to initiate then it is very easy for him to think that his partner doesn't really desire/want sex with him and is just doing it out of duty.

Obviously this is exacerbated if the effort put in by his partner is negligible rather than enthusiastic.

In this type of relationship it makes a huge difference if the female partner initiates occasionally, say once a month, with enthusiasm.

I don’t think I’d want to have sex with someone that’s just lying there, any decent person doesn’t want to have sex with someone who isn’t enjoying it.

Sex is clearly not important to your relationships, but it seems like it is important to your husband. Both of these opinions are fine, but obviously not well matched to each other.

This makes for very depressing reading . A man 'demanding' sex as a right. A woman just fulfilling a perfunctory role . The man not getting passion or love in the role . The woman not giving or expecting passion or love. Awful from both sides. I always thought sex/ love making was about giving and getting consensual pleasure ?

Yes this is the problem, moving the goalposts

If he wants sex every day and you don't, that's a problem right there before one even considers who is initiating,it sounds as if you are incompatible.

What sex every day, and for the OP to put in what he deems as ‘enough effort’. Yeah, you’d have to be quite the handmaiden to not see a problem with that.

Well that’s your problem. You’re intentionally minimising something that is a critical component of a healthy marriage. A good sex life is one of the fundamental building blocks of a successful relationship. It’s not something that sits apart from trust, a sense if
humour, dependability or whatever else you value in a relationship.

26 years
and I would much rather read a book and have a coffee

but you know what I love my DH and he has a much higher sex drive than me ( we used to be similar -but age and menopause …the usual stuff )

so I’m happy to have sex with him 2-3 times a week
it keeps him happy and I love him

if I didn’t love him he wouldn’t get any at all

“It is not normal, at 42, to not have any sex drive. What are you doing about this? Have you been to the doctors?”

What a revolting comment.

I've been with DH for 27 years and we still have passionate sex we've always been lucky to have a spark.

Yes with children and like sometimes it takes a dip. HRT has really helped me I'm quite happy to medicate to feel desire and passion is an important part of being human.

I would explore your underlying thoughts about sex, I too had a strange message fed to me about it and realised that years ago, it doesn't affect me now.

Of course men like foreplay and want to be desired because you aren't really feeling desire ultimately your DH will sense that.

If you want to change that perhaps looking at how you increase your desire would sexier films/series work or books/ audio books?

It seems a shame for you not to feel that again at such a young age.

Not really. Blunt, but true. It isnt normal, and if it was me I would go see a doctor about it.

Yeah this was the issue between me and my partner - until I realised that this is a v common thing for women in general. He felt upset that he was always initiating. Once we talked about it, and he saw that I would get into it once we started then he understood. But I also acknowledge that it must be disheartening to always be that one asking for it, and does probably make you feel quite shit. I honestly feel I’d be fine to never have sex again!

It's an awful thing to say because it is so bloody sexist. Why should women not want some effort from men through passionate foreplay and effort to please them? It's not all about men's dicks.

It’s actually totally normal - especially for women who have been in long term relationships. Also peri menopause doesn’t help (vaginal atrophy, etc)

You have a funny idea about sex and the man and woman roles. And don’t get arsey with me for not fully endorsing your perspective. I’m as vanilla as they come but I don’t just lie there! Or at least I wouldn’t be if I was in a relationship. And I wouldn’t be happy with my partner not wanting sex ever again. And what you said to him about being feminine was awful. I can’t stand men who call women masculine for being assertive and I can’t stand women who use feminine as an insult to men.

Having said that if he expects sex every night then that’s unreasonable. You should be able to reach an agreement that satisfies both of you. And he should be respectful about how he raises the subject not just whinge at you or pester you.

I do wonder if you really like him much as it doesn’t sound like it.