Dh never happy about our sex life

[dofuckoff]

so pissed off right now and need a third party perspective.
long term marriage.
dh always complaining that I don’t initiate sex enough. Long term complaint. Recently I’ve started to initiate (even though I don’t feel like I want it but usually am ok when I get going), and he’s started saying no because it’s not passionate/no effort from me, and I expect to just lie there and him to get on with it. I don’t but that’s what he feels. The more he complains the less I want it because I’m so pissed off now I’m initiating and he’s saying no.
I just feel like he’s always looking for a reason to be dissatisfied.
I just told him he’s being very feminine for wanting passionate, foreplay, effort sex and I said I’m not the one with the dick. He said he couldn’t believe how narrow minded I was being and went downstairs.
ok I’m a dick for saying all that but I just feel like he’s being a fucking princess and should be glad he’s getting any sex at all. His drive is very high (every day) whereas mine is pretty much non existent. No fucking surprises.

I think he is just wanting something to drag you down with. Suspect he is no longer an every day man ~ so uses criticism to mask that. Miserable moaner..not at all sexy.

You've been amazing in my book to accommodate his daily needs. Is he an equal partner in everything else?

I mean overall sex IS something men do to
women, as the man is the one with the penis, so he should be the one leading majority of the time which he has been doing for many years . So why does he suddenly want to feminine and want passion and effort. Yes it is feminine I’m sorry to say. Which man turns down sex because it’s not steamy enough. It’s just ridiculous

I understand this fully. After menopause I don't have any kind of desire at all nothing. Fortunately I divorced before that happened cuz I just couldn't imagine getting into bed with a guy it just makes my skin crawl thinking about it.
It seems most guys sex drive still remains similar. It's a shame that there's some type of medication they take to calm that shit down like about 50% do you still like your husband at all? As in do you still want to be married to him

Yes I agree with this and also have thought this. He can’t handle the fact that he’s not an every day man and he will go on for ages trying to come if he does it every day (sorry tmi), yesterday I said to him mid-sex that maybe he needs to cut down now he’s getting on abit , which he didn’t like obviously !

to clarify , I havnt been obliging every single day, but he is ready every day if I did want to. Of
course no period sex and I have raging pms in the week leading up to my period so it’s far from daily.

I do like him. I’m just angry right now. Because it’s a long standing issue and he’s made himself out to be this super stud who wants it every day and now he’s rejecting me when I initiate because it’s not sexy enough for his royal highness. I would bet my bottom
dollar if I had got into bed and turned around and gone to sleep he’d complain that I hadn’t initiated or shown that I’m up for it.

Yeah I see what you mean cuz I'm getting older and maybe he's realizing he's not the same physically as nobody is

It's a shame he doesn't realize that maybe he would get more if he wasn't being such a pest and weird about it
Especially when he's treating it like a conquest or some type of competition with younger men or his younger self

Yeah. Men and their fragile fucking egos.

No wonder you don’t initiate if he’s trying daily, that would be far too much for me and would start to feel like I’d dread it

'I just told him he’s being very feminine for wanting passionate, foreplay, effort sex and I said I’m not the one with the dick'

• how is it feminine for men to like foreplay? Is it only something women should enjoy? Strange comment.

However, I do sympathise with the overall issue. It seems like you have mismatched drives- has this always been a problem? If you really don't want to initiate more he should respect that. I think more sex is better than less but not if you don't want it.

I think it is possible to maintain passion but this sounds very hard. If you don't have libido it seems unfair to expect you to have sex...can I ask if this is a menopausal change? As he ages, his libido will likely reduce too.

I do believe foreplay is mainly for the female body. If a man comes to bed already hard, how much more foreplay does he actually need?
it just gives me the ick for men to demand foreplay and effort and passion and reject their wife on the basis of this. Especially when you’ve been a moaning cunt about the lack of sex for so long .

Possibly a peri meno issue. I’m 42 but have zero other peri symptoms. Periods come like clockwork.
I just don’t think a woman not wanting sex every fucking day should be medicalised.

It sounds to me like he just wants something to criticise you about. He criticised you for not initiating sex, you changed, so now he has to criticise you for something else. If you suddenly start initiating passionate sex with all the lingerie and whatever else he wants, I suspect he will then focus on something else that’s wrong with or about you. This seems to be about putting you in your place rather than about the actual issue.

Sex isn't just about penises though : otherwise how would lesbian couples be able to have sex? Plenty of straight women take an active role, in PIV and other stuff.

However, the issue at hand : When you first got together, how was sex? If you like to be passive in sex, that's your prerogative. If this is a long term thing, your DH should have accepted it.

This whole situation sounds stressful and unfair for you. I can see your DH's POV, he wants to feel you want sex and are enthusiastically participating, not just doing it to please him. But he's nagging you into having sex you don't want, which is very wrong.

Do you have sex every day as that's what he wants? Or does he just ask everyday? Everyday is excessive. What would your preferred sex frequency be?

I don’t know about the putting me in my place part - I don’t think that’s him. But he definitely is a massive fucking moaner, he does it even when we go out to eat. 9 times out of ten best believe he is complaining about the food or sending it back for a fresh one because it’s not cooked right or it’s not hot enough or whatever. Even today as soon as he took one bite of his chicken he was like ‘oh no no no this isn’t right, this chicken is rock hard’ (it was fine). He took one look at my face and quickly piped down because he knows how annoyed I get when he’s moaning about food in restaurants.

No I don’t have sex every day. On average I’d say it’s about 3 times a week. Which isn’t enough for him and it’s too much for me.

Not wanting sex every day is pretty usual, peri or not. But you said your libido was zero, which is different. If he wants sex and you don't, you shouldn't have sex you don't want but I think he would be reasonable if he felt he was now incompatible with you.

But demanding sex every day is very high : completely unrealistic and unfair for him to expect that, imo.

May I ask how long you've been together?

So he wants you to 1. Have sex when you don't want to. But also. 2. Pretend you like it 3. Do all the work. And 4. Fucking beg for it?!

You're not a prostituted.

Nagging for sex is coercion and coerced sex is not consensual sex.

I don’t agree here, in my experience men have wanted foreplay more than me

Thank you, I think some pps read it as you having sex every day. 3 times a week: he should be happy with that.

However, if you don't want it 3 times a week, I don't think you should feel you have to do it to please him..what would your preferred frequency be?

Maybe that’s what I’ve been made to think because sex is all about him and his penis, his needs. His drive. His desire.

That sounds very unpleasant.... does he not make any effort to ensure you enjoy it too/orgasm?

Could it be he wants to feel wanted? Duty sex isn’t going to make you feel wanted, and if he wants you initiate it sounds like he wants you to show you want him (but you don’t).

Yes, I think a lot of men want to feel actively desired and want participation from the woman, including foreplay. I don't think the DH is unreasonable for wanting that. He sounds very unreasonable though for pestering OP like this.