Dh never happy about our sex life

[dofuckoff]

so pissed off right now and need a third party perspective.
long term marriage.
dh always complaining that I don’t initiate sex enough. Long term complaint. Recently I’ve started to initiate (even though I don’t feel like I want it but usually am ok when I get going), and he’s started saying no because it’s not passionate/no effort from me, and I expect to just lie there and him to get on with it. I don’t but that’s what he feels. The more he complains the less I want it because I’m so pissed off now I’m initiating and he’s saying no.
I just feel like he’s always looking for a reason to be dissatisfied.
I just told him he’s being very feminine for wanting passionate, foreplay, effort sex and I said I’m not the one with the dick. He said he couldn’t believe how narrow minded I was being and went downstairs.
ok I’m a dick for saying all that but I just feel like he’s being a fucking princess and should be glad he’s getting any sex at all. His drive is very high (every day) whereas mine is pretty much non existent. No fucking surprises.

Are you a man? If not, I’m very sorry.
But this is called Mums -net, not man’s net. Initially created to be safe space for women. But this is not the place to have an argument about why men should not be allowed on Mum’s net.

OP Sounds like you’re in a situation of sexual harassment to be honest with you, do you have any reason to believe that he is watching porn or porn addict? His behaviour sounds quite similar to that sort of pattern.

His Behaviour sounds psychologically dangerous to your well-being. I know it sounds far-fetched but I think you need to ask him to leave for awhile until he even gets counselling or modify his behaviour. Your description is quite distressing, you are probably more used to it than others but from an objective outsider you need to make some distance between yourself and this man, long-term marriage or not. I think you even need to sit down and start considering putting your ducks in a row for leaving him. Xxxxx

It sounds exhausting.
Does he watch a lot of porn?
what’s he like in other ways around the house and as a provider?
Is he a good father?
is he kind to you in other aspects of your married life?
Do you still love him and do you feel he still loves you?
Would he consider psychosexual counselling with you if other areas of the relationship are working well?

In other words - is he messing up an otherwise ok marriage or floundering in the ashes of a relationship which is fundamentally over?

Both being unreasonable.

He shouldn't be begging and putting such a high price-tag or demand on sex.

Probably why Op is only participating. Nobody wants sex where only one person is invested. It sounds like a vicious circle. Sex should be the bond between a couple not the divide. They need to chat and understand and respect the others point of view.

You don’t need psychosexual counselling as the rest of your marriage is in tatters. You do need couple counselling to address the many issues that are underlying the bad sex or bad sexual relationship. It’s a damn site cheaper than a divorce and worth a try after 20 years. But both of you are being unreasonable currently. You don’t seem to have much care for him at all by the sounds of it, and he isn’t unreasonable for wanting to feel wanted but he is for nagging you and moving the goalposts. But is suspect he is looking for connection and failing to get it from you, hence the need for some counselling for you both to try to dig down and find out where things began to go so wrong.

This is what I was thinking too. Even if you have sex regularly, if it’s just mechanical and there’s no passion or enthusiasm, that’s probably why he’s still feeling unfulfilled. A good sex session with both parties into it even if every two weeks is a lot better than constant lacklustre sex.

I will say though, him sending food back all the time would make my vagina shut permanently.

There are, does your husband think this way too? He's not being kind. He needs to stop thinking sex is everything in a relationship. Sure, it's important but it's not everything.

Feeling valued, equal partner, feeling loved, not knackered (work, kids, running the house) and feeling secure really helps a person feel more in the mood! Not feel like it's pressure over the amount of sex, the type of sex, being told that you don't 'do sex' how they want. That would be an instant turn off for me.

Any chance he's up for a honest chat and can talk things over without the finger pointing and blame game between you? You may find a happier healthier middle ground. You may also be reaching menopause age which can affect sex drive rather a lot! Good luck OP.

There’s nothing more off putting than someone who complains about sex. It sounds like he’s criticising you and complaining in the moment - such a turn off.

Perhaps you have a low sex drive because you are married to a twat. You may find that if you weren't then your sex drive would be quite different.

This is why you don’t want to have sex with him. He’s an old miserable git.

Tbf she says herself she literally criticised him DURING sex… so they’re both as bad as each other at this stage.

Sex isn’t an entitlement. A man won’t die if he doesn’t have sex. A lot of women lose their desire and drive and that’s just the way it is. Men can wank in the shower if it’s so hard for them to not have sex.
im not sure I agree about splitting up over it, being incompatible sexually after many years of marriage isn’t really a reason for divorce.. is it?
hmm you’ve got me thinking now.
is it REALLY unfair if I don’t want sex anymore?? Is it really that big of a deal?

Do you want to stay married to him?

I mean overall sex IS something men do to women, as the man is the one with the penis, so he should be the one leading majority of the time which he has been doing for many years . So why does he suddenly want to feminine and want passion and effort. Yes it is feminine I’m sorry to say. Which man turns down sex because it’s not steamy enough. It’s just ridiculous

OP, this and other comments you have made make me want to ask a) what messages you received about sex when you were younger (for example, were you raised to believe that sex is something that only men enjoy and that "a good wife" should "put up with"?) and b) what your personal experience of sex has been?

I'm asking because you don't seem to feel that sex is a mutually satisfying, mutually enjoyable activity for both men and women? Have you ever enjoyed sex? I see other posters have asked if your husband ensures that you orgasm during sex but reading between the lines the answer to this is no?

Absolutely your husband should not be pressuring you to have sex that you don't want, I wish that went without saying but unfortunately it often needs repeating. And am I correct in my interpretation that you aren't someone who received healthy messages about sex growing up and then enjoyed a mutually satisfying sex life for many years before your libido dropped due to perimenopause or life stress or a pestering husband?

Is it more that you were brought up to think that sex was "for men" and that this was then compounded for you by finding yourself in a partnership where no effort was made by him to make it enjoyable for you? (Is his demand of "more foreplay" something he means you should be doing to him, rather than him offering to you?)

I am - very very happily - single, and I read threads like this and just think - why?

why are you staying with this awful man who pesters you for sex you don’t want and is miserable and moany?

what are you getting out of it?

op - as a single person, I don’t ever have sex I don’t want, I go to bed when I want, I don’t ever have to worry about when someone is going to start pestering me, if I go out for dinner I go out with friends that I like, who aren’t going to moan about stuff, and we have fun. My life is constant peace and bliss.

im telling you this not to be smug, but because so many women seem to stay in goddawful relationships that make them miserable for no real reason other than, I don’t even really know, a fear of being single?

im telling you, it is a fuck tonne nicer than living like this.

get out. Before you waste any more of your life.

If he wants everyday, how often are you having sex. If it is everyday is he wanting a big performance each time?

I think what you said to him is disgusting tbh and I don’t think I could ever forgive my DH if he tried shaming me and calling me masculine because I was passionate and initiating sex.

No one should be shaming their partner like that.

Sex is not just a male thing.
Women enjoy sex just as much as men and should initiate it and be as passionate.
Men love foreplay and to be teased and aroused, they just don’t tend to last as long as women.
Him having a penis means nothing.

I think you need to see your gp.
At 42, you should have a much higher sex drive or at least enjoy it.

I totally get him turning you off if he keeps on about it - there’s honestly nothing worse.

If there’s nothing going on medically, then I’d seriously consider separating as it may be that you guys are just mismatched and I couldn’t be bothered arguing about this every day.

You both seem incompatible with each other and unhappy.
If you want to remain married counselling if not end it.

’you need to see your gp’

for fucks sake, what a ridiculous misogynistic suggestion. That implies there’s something wrong with the op. Which of course there isn’t, she just doesn’t fancy her husband at all, and who would - he’s moany, miserable and a sex pest.

it won’t be sex per se that the op doesn’t want, it is sex with this particular man that she doesn’t.

if I had a pound for every woman who thought she’d gone off sex, got divorced, then discovered she hasn’t at all, she just didn’t want sex with her ex - I’d be a very rich woman.

I completely agree!

I think it has become a vicious cycle and they can’t seem to get out of it.

I couldn’t be with a man who didn’t initiate sex and wasn’t passionate etc and id feel embarrassed and self conscious that he didn’t actually want to have sex with me.
I might as well have sex with a blow up doll.

But I also couldn’t be with a man who constantly whined and moaned about the lack of sex and made it the basis for our entire relationship.
Men begging for sex when I’m not in the mood and then sulking about it is such a turn off.

It is definitely a vicious cycle.

I think he’s letting you know what he wants and that he is currently unhappy. Which should be fine in a long term relationship, why can’t you have an adult discussion about how to improve things so you can both feel happier or maybe visit a sex therapist?
If you love each other you should try, he doesn’t sound like he wants porno sex, just wants to feel wanted and loved

If a man didn’t have sex with his wife - the first thing we’d recommend is seeing his gp - why is it any different for women?

And why throw away a 20 year marriage without seeing the gp first.

Our sex drives are a good indicator of our health.

At 42 she should have a healthy sex drive.

Her entire feelings towards sex and how it’s all very one sided for the men’s pleasure and she should not partake in intimacy or foreplay is a very unhealthy outlook.

If there is nothing wrong physically or emotionally, then I would separate because life’s too short for this.
But I would absolutely be seeing the gp before deciding whether to leave my 20yo marriage.

Didn't sound like he's making sure you get your orgasm first... Or at all?
Maybe try him making sure you have an amazing time, first and foremost. And literally first. Before he gets to.

I think you have a really jaded view of sex and relationships. You’re not wrong for not wanting sex. No one should feel forced into it but to shame your DH and call him feminine for wanting to feel connected during sex is pretty bad. Sex is an important part of a relationship for many couples. Without that
intimacy aren’t you just two friends living together?

I do completely understand you feeling like you’ve already met him half way as your participating in something that you weren’t that fussed about to start off with so you’ve already made an effort. But he’s not just wanting sex he seeking a connection.

I know plenty of people would disagree but if you flip it to another situation entirely. If you loved food and he said I’ll cook for you 3 nights a week but all he ever made was beans on toast wouldn’t you start to feel a bit upset that he’d offered you something you wanted but he was just trying to get it over with the fastest and easiest way possible.

Realistically, if you're at the stage of calling your husband a moaning cunt and being this vicious about him, the marriage is dead.

Seriously, neither of you sound happy and this sounds beyond repair.

Your notion that men are not manly enough if they don’t want to have sex with passive women is pretty weird IMO.

It doesn’t sound like the two of you are particularly well-suited. Especially if he’s also moaning in restaurants etc.