Financial incompatibility in a new relationship

[SapphireSteel28]

My partner died 9 years ago, and I only felt ready to date the past 15 months. I had to focus on my children, but now they’re 17 and 23. I met someone straight away, and that lasted 5 months, but fizzled out, then I met another man who I was with until 2 weeks sgo. He is extremely wealthy but wasn’t the best at treating me well-there was gaslighting and lying but we were very physically compatible. I didn’t feel “in love” with either of these men but enjoyed spending time with them. Now I’ve met another man and we’ve been on 7 dates but haven’t slept together-yet. He says he’s “falling for me”, and I feel the same. I haven’t felt like this since my partner died. However-he is financially insecure. I own my own home and have a pension and savings -I didn’t inherit anything as my late partner had no life insurance. I’ve worked for it myself in a stressful career. We are both in our 50s. I can’t decide whether he is drawn to me as a solution for his financial problems or likes me for myself. I can’t decide whether it’s better to stop it now before it gets more intense. Can a relationship work with a financial imbalance?

@Gwenhwyfar The general consensus is this:
Is he rich?
No.
Throw him back.
Does he own his own home?
No. But he does have a stable job and pays rent reliably.
But does he own his own home?
Throw him back.
Does he care 50/50 for his severely disabled daughter which could understandably have impacted, and will continue to impact upon his earning capacity? Yes.
So he's a good, committed and caring father then?
Yes.
But is he rich and does he own his own home?
No.
Throw him back. Only home owners are truly worthy.

Bare minimum actually.

@Coldmorningfog I am almost certain you'd still think he was a God if he was a multimillionaire who'd abandoned his daughter in favour of earning the megabucks.

Tbf that's how you're coming across as well as being very weird in banging the 'must own a home or else you're a loser' drum.

It's a strange way to look at the world dude. Bless you.

I wouldn’t choose either.

Why he’s in a financially insecure position is irrelevant. Having a good reason doesn’t mean that he’s owed a chance by anyone that would otherwise consider his financial circumstances to be a dealbreaker.

He’s a man. He deserves no credit on Mumsnet

As you don’t know me you aren’t certain of anything. I could say I’m almost certain your current husband is a bit of a loser.

I didn’t say it’s not enough. I said I’m not rich. I earn about £57,000 and have two kids, no financial support so I can easily afford to have a good standard of living, but no one would consider me wealthy.

I never said that though. If you actually read my comments I have maintained that you’re a loser if you have never owned your own home by 50, if that is down to being financially irresponsible. Standard opinion really.

I don’t know-I have been very lucky with the online dating it seems.

Well how the hell am I supposed to do that when I don’t know or want to
know your circumstances.

If the cap doesn’t fit don’t wear it.

I’m not sure I’d describe him as a carer. She is at a placement all day while he works and he has her two evenings in the week and every other weekend.

Well that’s blown her theory wide open.

He was 34 when she was born. He has a son who is 24 who is a graduate.

What does he do for a living OP?

He is a tradesman, but works for a company.

Thank you for all the comments. I have thought about it and I am going to carry on seeing him but take it slowly and see how I feel and how it progresses.

Good for you.
It sounds like he's worth spending a bit more time with but wise to keep it on a more casual footing for now while you suss things out.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

@Coldmorningfog Of course you think my husband is a loser - he doesn't earn six figures!!
I had one of those but threw him back after he though money would keep me 😀

You sound so secure in that decision.

@Coldmorningfog Well after being made to sleep on the floor for months and having all of my money taken away from me out of my purse until I agreed to do what I was told then yes, most definitely. Or perhaps it was being locked out of the marital home if I broke a 10pm "curfew" set by him.
Perhaps they were the straws that broke the camel's back after years of coercive control.
Money isn't everything.

Of course it isn’t. Though I’m left wondering why you took comments not aimed at you, that were allegedly not applicable to you and got so defensive of them as though they had been and were. Something must have struck a chord.

Not all wealthy men are mean and not all poor men are kind. Maybe you were willing to accept a poor man the second time around because anything would have sufficed after your previous experience.

I’d rather take a kind man who isn’t on the breadline, plenty of them exist.

You know that there are more options out there than financial stable arsehole and nice but broke?

Financial stability and security is a hell of a lot.

You clearly have never paid a private rent (without being entitled to any government support whatsoever) if you think it's achievable 'on the breadline."
But this is MN ladies - where financial stability means a six-figure salary and wealth matters above all else!

Nobody said that a man needs to earn six figures.

You chose a man with poor finances, you are now struggling as a result. You can’t blame other women for not wanting to do this.