Financial incompatibility in a new relationship

[SapphireSteel28]

My partner died 9 years ago, and I only felt ready to date the past 15 months. I had to focus on my children, but now they’re 17 and 23. I met someone straight away, and that lasted 5 months, but fizzled out, then I met another man who I was with until 2 weeks sgo. He is extremely wealthy but wasn’t the best at treating me well-there was gaslighting and lying but we were very physically compatible. I didn’t feel “in love” with either of these men but enjoyed spending time with them. Now I’ve met another man and we’ve been on 7 dates but haven’t slept together-yet. He says he’s “falling for me”, and I feel the same. I haven’t felt like this since my partner died. However-he is financially insecure. I own my own home and have a pension and savings -I didn’t inherit anything as my late partner had no life insurance. I’ve worked for it myself in a stressful career. We are both in our 50s. I can’t decide whether he is drawn to me as a solution for his financial problems or likes me for myself. I can’t decide whether it’s better to stop it now before it gets more intense. Can a relationship work with a financial imbalance?

@Coldmorningfog And your job is? I assume earning megabucks entirely independently as that really is the gold standard.

So what? Parent of disabled adult child who will have high needs for the rest of her life and will never leave home with 50/50 care can never progress into mega bucks jobs and it's only the UK who's obsessed with owning a house.

I'll tell you what dude, anyone who thinks that owning a home takes you out of loser territory, is to be really pitied. I'll bet you've never even thought about volunteering for a charity in your life.

Fair point, if he’s living in London.

Minimum wage is 1780 after tax. The average rent on a flat is 1400 which is massively inflated due to London prices. Excluding London prices it sits around 1000 per month. OP said he’s earning just a bit more than his rent. Just trying to read between the lines with the information provided.

@gamerchick
Absolutely agree.
Or even working?

You could actually try reading what's been written before attempting in between the lines.

You’re just changing the subject now and getting a bit emotional.

No, most people don’t own a home independently.

His daughter is no excuse for his lack of success before she was born. OP hasn’t given his exact age, but he could well have been nearly 40 before he had her.

I don’t think the UK is obsessed with home
owing. It’s an important marker of success in most people’s view and most people understand owing a home as opposed to renting gives them a greater level of security.

Personal circumstances are important to take into consideration, but OP has yet to provide any evidence to suggest he isn’t just a bit of a loser financially speaking.

I did, that’s why I quoted the information OP provided 😁

I can’t decide whether I can’t decide whether he is drawn to me as a solution for his financial problems or likes me for myself.

Time will tell.
Meanwhile, make yourself less available. Seeing him on average every other day is too much too soon. See him about twice a week for a couple of months.

Make sure he is paying half of everything - not necessarily splitting every bill, but make sure it balances out each month.
Don't 'treat' him. Don't take him on holiday or away for a weekend unless he pays his half. Don't propose going on holiday, wait for him to suggest it.

Reconsider if you are still dating him in about 18 months or 2 years time - then you might think about spending a bit more on him occasionally and relaxing the 'strictly halves' rule for the odd treat.

It doesn’t sound like he was particularly responsible before he had his daughter.

It’s one thing to not own a house if you’re otherwise secure, but it doesn’t sound like he is at all. He’s not and is likely never going to be on he same financial footing as OP, and unless she’s happy paying for him and/or his daughter that will almost certainly cause issues. No matter how ‘nice’ he is.

And that's fine. I never said otherwise in my early posts on this thread.

However, right now it sounds like he's playing the hand he was dealt. Whether he was irresponsible when young or not. He's not unemployed, he's not a dosser and he's not a loser because he doesn't have a high wage or owns a house.

If the OP isn't feeling compatible with him long term, financially or otherwise then she should make her choices. There's nothing wrong with it.

Exactly. So sad that some women seem to equate "success" of a man to being a high earner or home owner, but yet they fail to apply to same parameters to themselves. Furthermore, I don't believe that some of the posters that hold this judgement perhaps even work at all?
Indeed, the reality is that these women would like be neither themselves without relying on a man!

@TrappedByThisDesk This is such sensible advice. There really is no rush, OP. Take as much time as you need to see him for who he really is ❤️

Of all the assumptions that is quite an assumption.

@Coldmorningfog Happy for you to answer otherwise of course.

If you’re asking whether I work, the answer is yes.

It’s already been established that most people own homes as a couple, not independently.

Having never owned a home at 40 odd is a sign of being unsuccessful, unless there are extenuating circumstances. OP hasn’t mentioned anything to suggest the man she is seeing is anything but a bit useless with money, which is probably why she’s rightfully wary. Ergo, he’s a bit of a loser.

@Coldmorningfog So you couldn't have been a homeowner on your own then? You needed a partner (possibly a higher earner) in order to facilitate that.
We don't know the circumstances of this man's partner. We don't know if she was working. Likewise, he may well not have been in a position to buy, and probably not independently as you agree you could not have done either.

I wouldn’t get with a man who had no financial security either and neither would my single friends. We are all established and if it went wrong none of us is of an age to start again and also there’s the doubt he’s with you for the right reasons . It’d also be tiresome to pay for everything or not do the same eg holidays

@hattie43 It is to be commended if your friends are young and single and already owning their own homes. Fair play!

I haven’t suggested I could have been a home owner in my own right, that applies to most people. I’m not sure why you’re leading the conversation in that direction when that was never my point.

I said getting to 50 having never owned a home because you’re crap with money is loser behaviour. It is.

I didn’t say if you don’t own a house on your own you’re a loser, otherwise most of us would be losers. HTH 😁

We’re not young , most of us are divorcee’s in our 50’s / 60’s . The other problem is this government plan to ensure if you date / live with a partner for 3 yrs or more they can claim 50% of your assets . Nothing keeps you single like the Labour Party , the gift that keeps on giving 😪

@hattie43 But again, likely that you have become home owners as part of a marriage in which both partners contributed (hopefully?) And also, some time ago when mortgages were easier to come by.
We don't know if this man's partner did this? Perhaps he couldnt afford a mortgage on his wage alone? Hardly makes him a "loser."

They have a 19 year old daughter who didn’t come along until he was 35-40ish. They rented before and continued to rent after, up until separation.

It suggests neither saved up for a deposit at any point. If he could afford to rent on his own, in your made up scenario of his other half not working, then he’d have afforded mortgage repayments on his own.

The only evidence we’ve been given from
OP is that he had a “party” lifestyle.

Why are you dead set on coming up with scenarios in an attempt to defend this man rather than taking the information provided at face value and accepting he’s basically just a bit of a loser.

Are you subconsciously defending your own husband.

Is it not probable that he (and his wife) didn’t save as they were living their life and didn’t prioritise it, and then when the daughter came along he reassessed, stopped partying, stepped up and now cares for her, and so never managed to save.

i do find this thread pretty harsh tbh. A man caring for a disabled child is labelled a loser because he hadn’t succeeded before she came along.

mumsnet is pretty sexist. Men need to be successful and provide or they have no value.

No . Unusually I was very young and had bought the house myself . Luckily he just went off and no contest about who owned what .