Financial incompatibility in a new relationship

[SapphireSteel28]

My partner died 9 years ago, and I only felt ready to date the past 15 months. I had to focus on my children, but now they’re 17 and 23. I met someone straight away, and that lasted 5 months, but fizzled out, then I met another man who I was with until 2 weeks sgo. He is extremely wealthy but wasn’t the best at treating me well-there was gaslighting and lying but we were very physically compatible. I didn’t feel “in love” with either of these men but enjoyed spending time with them. Now I’ve met another man and we’ve been on 7 dates but haven’t slept together-yet. He says he’s “falling for me”, and I feel the same. I haven’t felt like this since my partner died. However-he is financially insecure. I own my own home and have a pension and savings -I didn’t inherit anything as my late partner had no life insurance. I’ve worked for it myself in a stressful career. We are both in our 50s. I can’t decide whether he is drawn to me as a solution for his financial problems or likes me for myself. I can’t decide whether it’s better to stop it now before it gets more intense. Can a relationship work with a financial imbalance?

Where are you getting this notion? That we aren’t applying the same parameters to ourselves? You seem to think not wanting to date someone financially unstable means we were or are looking to be provided for in a relationship.

I was only interested in men that were in a similar position to me. I wasn’t interested in either compromising my lifestyle or in carrying someone else financially.

That said, people can make their own choices when it comes to dating. You can reject someone for whatever reason you like. Dating isn’t an equal opportunity endeavor.

@InterIgnis Fair enough if you got to that financial standing independently, absolutely.
This man isn't financially unstable - he has a job which reliably pays his rent whilst also supporting his severely disabled daughter alone.

A what? A party life? In his 50s? Saw you coming….. sorry

I would want financial compatibility in a new relationship. It’s would be very important to me especially if I was in my 50’s.

That was very fortunate for you. Didn't he contest for anything as you were married?

Not necessarily. My husband and I both rent privately and have done for over a decade now. We both work. We can't afford a mortgage. Mostly because of an awful divorce in which assets were hidden. Neither of our faults.
Why would I be defending my own husband? It's not just on him to afford a mortgage - we can't afford one on our combined salaries!!

Yet you afford rent. So what does not affording a mortgage look like? You mean you both never saved towards a deposit or a lender wouldn’t accept you on your combined income? Both of those things are a result of your own decisions.

I divorced mid 30s. We shared a lovely marital home but my ex-husband hid assets incredibly skilfully (money was his profession). We both worked but he earned 6 figures whereas I did not as I was looking after two young children. We both contributed to the mortgage.
Long story short I was screwed over in court. Left with not enough to buy a property to house me and my two kids. I had no choice but to privately rent whilst he now lives in a property worth over one million complete with hob tub and swimming pool.
So no - no chance of ever being able to save as paying an extortionate prviate rent and we don't earn enough between us to get a house suitable on the property ladder.
And you know what?
I am very bloody proud of myself.
I was left with 83p in my account (he drained all joint accounts without my knowledge) and at one point it was a choice of choosing between feeding myself of my kids once my rent was paid. I became quite unwell as I went without, but I survived. My kids flourished.
Do you think I'm a loser because I don't own my own home now?
Please don't judge until you know the facts.

So you did own your home at some point but due to circumstances you now don’t. The premise of my argument has been it makes you a loser if you are in your 50s and have never owned a thing due to poor financial decisions, so why you keep applying my argument to yourself when it doesn’t apply is a bit confusing. Unless it applies to your husband? Which would explain the defensiveness.

@Coldmorningfog We both owned our own homes. But what difference does that make to our situation now? We still can't afford to buy. We have no assets.
We don't know why this man finds himself renting do we?

We know this man has always rented and led a party lifestyle, which suggests he had made poor financial decisions and would explain why he’s still renting.

There aren’t many women who wouldn’t view this man as a red flag. Looks like OP wants to keep it causal anyway which is advisable considering the circumstances.

Or is that what she is assuming? She'd be better off asking him so she knows and then can make her mind up from there.
But then we all mistakes we when are young (my biggest one was my first marriage!) Should we be penalised permanently for them? We live and learn as we mature.
He doesn't come across as having a wild party lifestyle at all now in fact; far from it.

It’s fair enough even if someone doesn’t. People can have whatever standards they like for themselves.

He doesn’t care for his daughter alone, he shares care 50/50 with his ex wife. As per the OP, he is financially insecure. He’s in a low paying job that doesn’t pay much for than his rent. It doesn’t sound like he’s got much, if anything, in the way of savings, pensions, or prospects.

He sounds like a decent person so I'd take things slowly and see what happens. Just enjoy his company, you're not going to move him in and let him financially exploit you.

@SapphireSteel28 Btw, I know exactly what you mean about being a sociable introvert, as I'm one too. We have friends and like seeing people, but we also need plenty of alone time.

No one has to be open to a relationship either with you or with someone in a similar financial position.

People are perfectly entitled to be as discriminatory as they like when it comes to dating.

@InterIgnis What impact upon a job do you think there might be looking after a severely disabled teenager half of the time?
If had to choose between a high-earning man who doesn't really support his child because he's thrown himself into work or a man who earns enough but is there half of the time for her then I know who I would chose.
Credit where credit is due.

Someone choosing not to enmesh finances with a person who has been financially irresponsible isn’t exactly permanent penalisation. It’s intelligent.

He might not have a party lifestyle now he’s in his 50s! I’d hope not! But that’s hardly a helpful point when he’s broke and will remain so.

For example, if I were to divulge to someone I was dating that I had been a serial cheater, but wanted to faithful now, it wouldn’t mean my potential partner should or could accept that, especially if they think my past behaviour could potentially impact them going forward.

"I’m always intrigued when clearly extroverted people claim to be introverts."

This is because one of the common definition of introverted is not someone who doesn't like to socialise, but someone who may like socialising but who gets energy from being alone. I fit into this. I like seeing people, going out with friends, etc. but I get my energy alone.
I also don't like parties with people I don't know or groups where there are people I'm not keen on, but I'm more shy than introverted.

@Coldmorningfog
Absolutely personal choice, I agree. I'd chose a great and invested dad over a wealthy but neglectful one any day.
His daughter is severely disabled, she will unable to ever look sfter herself independently (both facts given to us by the OP), but yet he has stepped up exactly 50/50 alongside his ex-wife.
That is a huge GREEN flag.

He is looking for a nurse with a purse and you fit the bill. Single men only realize when they are middle age that they gonna need a woman to care for them.

Exactly @Gwenhwyfar, we're not friendless and hiding at home, we just need our alone time to regroup.

I'm nearly 50 and don't own a home. That's because I never had enough money for a deposit (this seems to be changing now, but I don't have much time to pay off a mortgage at this stage).
Tell me how I'm a poor decision maker!

No, it will cause resentment in the end. You don’t know the extent of his financial challenges or what money he owes, throw him back op, you deserve better.

Oh so the poster's husband is a loser, but not her?
By definition, not everyone can be in the high paid jobs.

"If you haven’t established a career or got a mortgage when you’re pushing 40 you’re a bit of a loser."

Or maybe you just don't happen to be talented at the things that make good money?