Financial incompatibility in a new relationship

[SapphireSteel28]

My partner died 9 years ago, and I only felt ready to date the past 15 months. I had to focus on my children, but now they’re 17 and 23. I met someone straight away, and that lasted 5 months, but fizzled out, then I met another man who I was with until 2 weeks sgo. He is extremely wealthy but wasn’t the best at treating me well-there was gaslighting and lying but we were very physically compatible. I didn’t feel “in love” with either of these men but enjoyed spending time with them. Now I’ve met another man and we’ve been on 7 dates but haven’t slept together-yet. He says he’s “falling for me”, and I feel the same. I haven’t felt like this since my partner died. However-he is financially insecure. I own my own home and have a pension and savings -I didn’t inherit anything as my late partner had no life insurance. I’ve worked for it myself in a stressful career. We are both in our 50s. I can’t decide whether he is drawn to me as a solution for his financial problems or likes me for myself. I can’t decide whether it’s better to stop it now before it gets more intense. Can a relationship work with a financial imbalance?

@SapphireSteel28 How long were you with the father to your two children? And how long after that did you meet your partner who passed away? I can't work it out...

Golly, you have skipped a long way ahead there! It's only been a couple of weeks...

The OP doesn't have to marry, cohabit, retire in tandem or do any of those things, she can just have a fun easy-going relationship if they continue to get on well.

With husband aged 24-41, with late partner 41-47.

@SapphireSteel28 There was no gap between the two?!!!!

Like I said ... FFS!

No-there was no gap.

Wow. An affair then?

Not necessarily an affair. I am assuming there was a few weeks or even months between the relationships. OP said there was no gap but didn’t say there was overlap.

It is interesting though, going from a marriage straight into another relationship.

Is it relevant though because OP says she waited 8 years before dating again now?

It’s not the topic of the thread no- but the issue has been raised and that’s how thread discussions go sometimes.

As you can see, I’m replying to a poster above who commented on it.

Yes, I realise that.
I'm not criticising as such, just that sometimes further down a thread facts from the initial post get forgotten.

To be honest, I'd quit with the current guy now, before you get too attached. I read your first paragraph above

"My late partner was financially insecure and when he became ill I had to house and support him as he had no insurance and was renting. It was difficult and... I supposed that's why I'm worried."

This guy is in a worse position than your former partner was because he's older and also has a disabled adult child. Even though you said you don't want to get married again or cohabitate again, I'm sure you know that once you have a loving, established relationship with someone, in reality, you probably wouldn't want to just walk away and leave them to it, if they become ill or unemployed, both of which become more likely the older they are.

I think you are quite right to be worried and should listen to that wise inner voice. Getting involved with someone who can barely cover his rent at his age, even before considering that he has a disabled grown child, is setting yourself up for the same thing you went through with your last longterm partner. Only this time you likely won't be able to build your nest egg up again.

It sounds like you have enough to do all right and have an okay retirement on your own, if you're careful. But not enough extra to bet on another "have-not," not at this age. It seems like very good sense to me to set a minimum standard, that anyone you consider getting involved with must have at least equal assets and income as yours. I think you should prioritize looking after yourself and your financial future. Best wishes.

OP - why are you so desperate to find a man? You do know you can very easily survive without one?!! Jumping from one to another isn't healthy.

@SapphireSteel28 You’re not on trial here and the derailment of this thread due to that poster is so rude. There’s a bee in her bonnet.

I was single and celibate for 8.5 years after my partner died. I completely devoted myself to my children. I have been enjoying male company, that’s not desperate.

Yes.

Well it looks like you were right @FunPartyIdeas

OP, you mentioned that your involvement with your late partner compromised your relationship with your children. What do you mean by that?

Indeed. My advice to the man would be to send this OP back. Anybody who has an affair is not "devoted to their children" but tearing their lives apart.