Financial incompatibility in a new relationship

[SapphireSteel28]

My partner died 9 years ago, and I only felt ready to date the past 15 months. I had to focus on my children, but now they’re 17 and 23. I met someone straight away, and that lasted 5 months, but fizzled out, then I met another man who I was with until 2 weeks sgo. He is extremely wealthy but wasn’t the best at treating me well-there was gaslighting and lying but we were very physically compatible. I didn’t feel “in love” with either of these men but enjoyed spending time with them. Now I’ve met another man and we’ve been on 7 dates but haven’t slept together-yet. He says he’s “falling for me”, and I feel the same. I haven’t felt like this since my partner died. However-he is financially insecure. I own my own home and have a pension and savings -I didn’t inherit anything as my late partner had no life insurance. I’ve worked for it myself in a stressful career. We are both in our 50s. I can’t decide whether he is drawn to me as a solution for his financial problems or likes me for myself. I can’t decide whether it’s better to stop it now before it gets more intense. Can a relationship work with a financial imbalance?

@Coldmorningfog Having no assets doesn't mean I'm struggling!!
Anyway, I'm off to my second appt.
Enjoy your day on MN 😀

@gamerchick I think I know who this poster is and she has nothing better to do with her time unfortunately.
Best to ignore 😀

Ignored by a rich husband and takes out out on strangers online

You said you can’t afford Netflix or a day off because you can barely afford rent. There are plenty of people out there struggling so it’s nothing to be ashamed of especially in this economic climate!

It just makes more sense to me now why you’ve been defending the man OP is seeing and got a bit defensive about comments that weren’t aimed at you. Not everyone wants to jump feet first into a relationship with a man who has nothing to show for himself, because struggling is miserable.

Yep I was thinking the exact same thing

I WFH 3 days a week. My husband isn’t rich but he has a fairly good job. If we were to divorce and I found myself looking for another partner, I’d be much more picky than OP because I wouldn’t give someone a second glance if they were financially unstable. I don’t need dragging down at this point in my life and I wouldn’t be a nurse with a purse for anybody.

My opinion on the man OP is seeing isn’t taking it out on anyone. Why do you think that?

Do you not think potential partners would view you as “financially unstable” in that position.

or as a loser?

I wouldn’t look to be dating during a divorce. I think the emotional baggage people may perceive you to have soon after a divorce is probably just as off putting as poor finances.

After the dust had settled if I were to look for a new partner, I wouldn’t be in an unstable position, as we’ve collectively amassed enough that neither would be left in a bad way.

I’d have the humility to accept lots of men wouldn’t want to date me if I ended up in a small rental with my wage being eaten up every month on the basics. Because I wouldn’t date a man in that position. Having little to no disposable income is depressing, especially when you’re dating.

Not once have I said people struggling after a divorce are losers. I said that people who have got into middle age with nothing to show for themselves because they’ve been financially irresponsible are losers, they are.

Why would she need to care if they did? People are as free to think what they like as much as they are free to date as they like.

I think relationships work best when both parties are financially compatible as well as sharing attitudes and some interest in common.

Dude you're stalking another posters past posts to 'prove her wrong '. Is that normal behaviour to you?

I don't think you've any idea how you've come across on this thread.

A poster who made the thread about her and got rude with it, yes, I did.

I don’t care how I’ve come across to you, not in the least. You haven’t come across well yourself. This isn’t a school playground.

@gamerchick It's isn't normal, no. I've reported her before. Thank you for your understanding here x

We split the bill.

If he has no house or pension or savings rand you do, what ti's going to happen when you retire and he can't afford to? He carrys on working whilst you don't, in which case resentment will most likely build up on his part which will destroy the relationship, or you can on working for an extra 15+ years in order to support him so that you can both retire together, in which case resentment will then build up on you're part

I’m sure you haven’t.

This wouldn’t work for me. It’s early days though op so why don’t you give it a bit longer, try and gauge what his plan is, how he seems with finances etc.

Just keep your wits about you and take it really slowly. There’s no one more in love than someone struggling to pay their rent!

" a man who had no ambitions to become financially independent "

But he is financially independent, isn't he? He has a job and pays for his own things.

Not to drip feed, but my late partner was financially insecure and when he became ill I had to house and support him as he had no insurance and was renting. It was difficult and compromised my relationship with my kids. I suppose that’s why I’m worried.

As regards going from one relationship to the next, it wasn’t planned, I didn’t look on dating sites, it just happened that he texted me the day I split up with my previous boyfriend and asked me to go for a coffee. I was feeling a bit miserable, so I just went.

Was he not the father of the children?

Oh my darling, no wonder you feel the way you do, and don’t you feel guilty about it either! You’re allowed to be discerning and judgemental. If only more people were they’d be a lot happier in their relationships.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but you sound a bit emotionally vulnerable at the moment?

I don’t think carrying on in a relationship where you feel like it might be a case of history repeating is healthy. There are kind men out there who won’t make you feel like you will become a nurse with a purse, why not keep looking, you can afford to be picky ❤️

If you were to marry and divorce he could end up with half of all you have and even with a prenup you are not covered as the law tends to want people to not rely on the state.

So go in with eyes wide open and never marry him

Not to drip feed, but my late partner was financially insecure and when he became ill I had to house and support him as he had no insurance and was renting.

Oh FFS.

No, my late partner was not the father of my children.

I’ve got a similar situation. I was a single mum and worked bloody hard for financial security. In my 60’s and still consulting for work and well paid. My newish bloke doesn’t own his home but is also still working and well paid but following a split with the mother of his kids, has never got back on the property ladder. I can’t see that will change as he is a hobbies guy and buys what he wants. He’s a bit sensitive about it but is very proud and has never shown any tendency to take advantage of our financial difference. I imagine we will live together at some point but with arrangements to protect my children’s inheritance.

It can work as long as there is a reasonable fairness and they’re not cocklodgers.