Financial incompatibility in a new relationship

[SapphireSteel28]

My partner died 9 years ago, and I only felt ready to date the past 15 months. I had to focus on my children, but now they’re 17 and 23. I met someone straight away, and that lasted 5 months, but fizzled out, then I met another man who I was with until 2 weeks sgo. He is extremely wealthy but wasn’t the best at treating me well-there was gaslighting and lying but we were very physically compatible. I didn’t feel “in love” with either of these men but enjoyed spending time with them. Now I’ve met another man and we’ve been on 7 dates but haven’t slept together-yet. He says he’s “falling for me”, and I feel the same. I haven’t felt like this since my partner died. However-he is financially insecure. I own my own home and have a pension and savings -I didn’t inherit anything as my late partner had no life insurance. I’ve worked for it myself in a stressful career. We are both in our 50s. I can’t decide whether he is drawn to me as a solution for his financial problems or likes me for myself. I can’t decide whether it’s better to stop it now before it gets more intense. Can a relationship work with a financial imbalance?

Honestly no it can’t work well
you will have different attitudes to money and this bleeds into everything

What do you want from a relationship? Even in a casual relationship finance incompatibility can grate if you end up paying for dates and holidays etc.

If you are looking at something beyond dating - marriage etc. yes, it gets a lot more complicated.

If I were dating again at my advanced and financially secure age, a man who had no ambitions to become financially independent and hadn't managed to do so by the time he hit 40, let alone 50, would be a real turn off for me.

Think of it this way, OP: if he's this comfortable being financially insecure in his 50s and single, how much more comfortable would he be if he were in a relationship with someone else's money making him financially secure?

Do you want to be with a man who couldn't help look after you if you couldn't work anymore for some reason? Because the reverse could easily happen, and believe me, he would be expecting you to support him through that financially.

Is he a poor poet? How did he get to his 50s without a house, a job, pension? Is he a spendthrift or just very disorganised? I don’t think it’s the money inequality between you, but what led to it.

I think it depends on what you mean by "financially insecure" and "financial problems" especially in your 50s/60s when your lifestyle is more settled.
If the issue is that he doesn't own his own home and doesn't have a lot in savings (as these are things you mentioned in your post) but otherwise can afford to live and fund a decent lifestyle that matches your own then it can be ok.
If he is barely getting by and has a lot of debt then I would really think long and hard before continuing the relationship. You will either end up paying for everything so you can enjoy your life together (most likely) or restrict your lifestyle to a level he can afford. Neither option is great.

No it can’t, sorry.

We have instincts for a reason. Yours are telling you what you need to know for your own good.

Slow down. 7 dates in 2 weeks! Stop rushing to meet someone and don’t get into a relationship with anyone who is incompatible with you.

I haven’t rushed. I didn’t date for 8 years after the death of my partner.

I think he had a party lifestyle and then his marriage broke down and she stayed in the house, but that was rented anyway. I don’t really know. It’s a shame.

I do think seven dates in two weeks is a bit overkill. I imagine the attraction must be quite strong, and, believe me, I do understand how that can happen. But, realistically, he is not "falling for you" in two weeks. In two weeks, he will barely know you.

By all means, have fun! But keep your wits about you. He won't know you well enough by the end of the month to say "I love you" but I wonder if something like that is coming down the tracks. Take care.

Does he have somewhere stable to live and a job? No man falls in love quicker than one who needs a place to stay!

There’s no future in this if he can’t support himself and contribute.

What's his set up now? There's a difference between a minimum wage job and renting than dossing on a mates settee and unemployed.

I've found that men in their 40s and above who are financially insecure can be very outwardly charming, loving and charismatic. It's like all their energy has gone into focusing on women, sex and intimacy, so it's like they are experts in that field. So the beginning of a relationship with someone like that can feel amazing.

But if their energy and focus has not also gone into creating financial security or a stable life, at some point it will become an issue. You need more than just great conversations and chemistry to have a sustainable relationship.

What’s his work situation like? And what does financially insecure mean in this context? Lots of debt or impulsive spending habits not good. Coming out of a divorce having set up his ex and kids to be secure above his own situation, well that’s just being a decent human.

FWIW I have no savings, no pension and a low paid P/T job but I do own my house outright so have low outgoings. As a mum of 3 I spent most of their childhood working around school hours and moving frequently to enable their dad to work in his chosen industry.

Luckily my DP who has a good job, decent pension and also owns his own home doesn’t see me as a liability - he knows that when we live together we’ll both lower our bills, and contribute what we can to the household pot, and bring something just as important to the table as money, a desire to care for and support each other.

Money isn’t everything. It’s good to be aware of the differences and make sure you don’t end up in a situation that makes either of you feel used, but on its own if he’s a decent man it shouldn’t mean the end IMHO.

For me it matters as to how he's ended up in such a hole, and what he's doing to fix it (other than shack up with a wealthy widow).

Sounds like he has a reckless approach to finances and has had little thought for his financial security all his working life. I am in a similar position to you op in that whilst I don't have much, it's all paid for and all mine - no way am I ever going to jeopardize that security to be with someone who's spunked every penny and has nothing to show for it. Never

He rents a flat and has a stable job but doesn’t earn a lot more than his rent. He also has a severely disabled daughter who lives with him half the time. He does charity volunteering too.

Does he know you own your own place @SapphireSteel28 ? I would always advise people not to divulge their financial status when dating or making new friends.

It is early days though and you can see him and see how things go. And if it does work, you do not need to move in together?

That’s quite a low wage, OP, if it’s barely more than covering the rent. You’d be very restricted and IMO it won’t work. How old is the DD? Her caring expenses will also be taking up a lot of his income.

OP, you own your own home, have pension and savings. He rents and has no disposable income.

If his daughter will never be independent (?) then you will either never be his priority (because she will be, as it should be) and/or you will never be able to live together without you becoming his daughter's carer, as well. It will happen. Woman is default carer, unfortunately.

Some things to think about. Don't stay in a relationship where you will never be a priority.

So he's playing the hand he was dealt rather than lacking in ambition? As a parent with SEN kids I can relate. Volunteering for a charity is a way of channeling ambition when you have disabled kids because you can't use it in the usual way.

On that I wouldn't write him off as a loser, but you need to acknowledge that this is probably his life until retirement and decide if it's compatible with your life.

I wouldn’t get into a serious relationship with this man, no.

You’re his plan. Be very very careful

Absolutely this. Do not see him again.