Financial incompatibility in a new relationship

[SapphireSteel28]

My partner died 9 years ago, and I only felt ready to date the past 15 months. I had to focus on my children, but now they’re 17 and 23. I met someone straight away, and that lasted 5 months, but fizzled out, then I met another man who I was with until 2 weeks sgo. He is extremely wealthy but wasn’t the best at treating me well-there was gaslighting and lying but we were very physically compatible. I didn’t feel “in love” with either of these men but enjoyed spending time with them. Now I’ve met another man and we’ve been on 7 dates but haven’t slept together-yet. He says he’s “falling for me”, and I feel the same. I haven’t felt like this since my partner died. However-he is financially insecure. I own my own home and have a pension and savings -I didn’t inherit anything as my late partner had no life insurance. I’ve worked for it myself in a stressful career. We are both in our 50s. I can’t decide whether he is drawn to me as a solution for his financial problems or likes me for myself. I can’t decide whether it’s better to stop it now before it gets more intense. Can a relationship work with a financial imbalance?

@Coldmorningfog Who said we were struggling? In fact our rental is stunning; three big bedrooms with ensuite in two, family bathroom, downstairs loo and study. It is in fact worth way more that we could afford to buy. Nothing on the market matches it and the main reason we aren't looking to buy currently.
Interesting how people perceive renters!

This 100%. No woman wants a cock lodger. You deserve more!

This man will disturb your peace.

That's even weirder and you think you aren't obsessed with home ownership.

Your posts remind me of someone I know who built her life on top of her husbands money and looks down on people she considers less than. When in actual fact, all she's done with her life is bag a rich bloke who doesn't really pay her much attention. It's quite sad really.

You do have to think of your own happiness but this relationship is still very new. His financial situation isn’t good and your children, although not very young, will need your support for a number of years. Right now you are in a secure position. I wouldn’t risk losing that.

I'm glad to read this OP... it sounds like a sensible approach. There seems to be some good advice on here about weighing up what sort of lifestyle you can see with him, what you'd be happy spending your money on etc, but ultimately you can only judge him by what he brings to the relationship, and that takes time to find out!

You've said you were seeing your previous partner until 2 weeks ago. Then straight into 7 dates with someone new. And have already shared or compared details of home ownership and how solvent you are?

This seems incredibly risky. You perhaps would benefit from some sort of reflection or counselling process before you continue dating anyone. Or even a discussion with a level-headed friend?

Exactly there’s more to life than owning a house. Ffs!

By their own admission many people on MN would not have managed to own a house if they didn’t have a partner. Therefore are they saying the many single people who weren’t fortunate enough to meet someone to split housing costs with are losers then?

My friend is a world famous writer, her husband is disabled and doesn’t work, it’s just her income and she’s still scraping together money for a deposit because as someone said upthread - you may be talented in something that just doesn’t pay well! Her book advances and royalties are surprisingly modest. Plus she can’t write a book every single year.

Hypothetical Person B might not have her half my friends intelligence or talent but will have a secure job paying more because they’re good with numbers, and they also happen to have a partner who earns money too, so they may have bought a house ages ago.

Why is person B not a loser but my friend is?
I’d say neither of them are necessarily losers!

Spot on! The snobbery on here from women who also would be renting into their 40s and beyond if they hadn’t married is astounding. It’s ok not to want to date certain income brackets but calling people losers is a step too far.

I would be a little worried he’s so quick to say he’s falling for you. Yes feelings can develop strongly but the mature thing would be not to tell someone you’re falling for them that early on.

The way I see it you can let your feelings develop and let them show in your actions without rushing to tell your partner in the first few weeks, because then it moves into love bombing territory potentially.

Its also better to let your feelings marinate a bit before sharing them because that spark you get the first couple of weeks can easily vanish, so it’s kinder for all concerned if you take your time and see if the feeling is more than fleeting before announcing it.

But maybe that’s just my trauma of dealing with men who came on strong at the start then faded off quickly 😵‍💫😆

If you have no plans to move in with him or join finances I can’t imagine the financial imbalance will be much of a problem, as long as he can pay his way on dates and hols?

Maybe I’m missing something though. What’s your specific concern around him not owning his own property and earning less than you considering you guys will live separately?

I’d only say if he does see you as a financial plan and wants to move in at some point - my advice will be very different. So yeah stay alert for that of course.

Oops didn’t meant to quote the whole OP 😆

Does he pay for the dates? How did you handle the two meals you had together?

@MarginWalker Surely there wouldn't be an expectation for him to pay for the dates? You'd split it!

Just over 30% of those aged 45-54 are renters. So, if you want to rule out 1 in 3 people in that age group, you'd do that by going for homeowners. And some of those owners would have heavy mortgages. If you only look at single people, I would think even more would be renting.
Chapter 1: Profile of households and dwellings - GOV.UK

@UnemployedNotRetired Absolutely. We're part of the 30% at 46 and 51, but in a position where we could never dream of owning the size of property we are long-term renting. Our Landlady is also our neighbour and knows us well; she knows we treat her property as if it is our own.
It works beautifully for us and we just ignore the stigma, and sometimes even nastiness, thrown at us for making this choice (which doesn't impact upon anyone else!)

I’m not obsessed with home ownership,
I just recognised it to be an important step in financial security, like most sensible people do.

Thanks for your pointless analogy though.

You did. Advanced search confirmed my suspicions.

@Coldmorningfog Nope - not struggling. If we were struggling we'd surely be entitled to government support (of which we are not).
And that other poster's analogy was spot on. As well as the part about relying on a rich bloke 👍

I'm even more convinced now.

People aren't superior because they have a mortgage. No matter how much you try and repeatedly say it.... To the point of stalking other posters.

I haven’t said people are superior just because they have a mortgage. My opinion is if you’re in your 50s and never owned a thing because you’ve been financially irresponsible then you are a loser in my opinion. It’s not an outlandish stance.

Also, the stalking comment that shows up on here is so overused. Advanced search is a feature that is supposed to be used presumably or it wouldn’t be a feature.

I wanted to look into the reasons why someone started arguing with me and talking about her own circumstances, when my comment was never directed at her to begin with. Now I know why and it all makes sense.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5571620-to-think-making-a-will-is-pointless-if-yoyu-have-no-assets?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5566443-to-want-one-child-free-day-where-i-can-do-something-for-me?page=13&reply=154159387

Party lifestyle, divorce, no assets. He’s had 50 years to get his shit together. What has he been doing all that time? I suspect there’ll be a big back story and not an attractive one.

What, is being divorced, with a severely disabled daughter who lives with him 50% of the time and who will never be independent, not reason enough for not being wealthy? He has a stable job and rents a flat.

What will you do when you both retire? You’ll be comfortable and he’ll be on the bread line. You’ll probably feel compelled to take him and his daughter in out of compassion and decency.

Not imo. If you’ve managed to make something of your career then divorce and a disabled child aren’t an impediment to financial security. Divorce involves a degree of restarting financially but if you divorce early in life you’ve time to rebuild, if late in life there are assets to split. He’s 50 and has got nowhere.