Financial incompatibility in a new relationship

[SapphireSteel28]

My partner died 9 years ago, and I only felt ready to date the past 15 months. I had to focus on my children, but now they’re 17 and 23. I met someone straight away, and that lasted 5 months, but fizzled out, then I met another man who I was with until 2 weeks sgo. He is extremely wealthy but wasn’t the best at treating me well-there was gaslighting and lying but we were very physically compatible. I didn’t feel “in love” with either of these men but enjoyed spending time with them. Now I’ve met another man and we’ve been on 7 dates but haven’t slept together-yet. He says he’s “falling for me”, and I feel the same. I haven’t felt like this since my partner died. However-he is financially insecure. I own my own home and have a pension and savings -I didn’t inherit anything as my late partner had no life insurance. I’ve worked for it myself in a stressful career. We are both in our 50s. I can’t decide whether he is drawn to me as a solution for his financial problems or likes me for myself. I can’t decide whether it’s better to stop it now before it gets more intense. Can a relationship work with a financial imbalance?

The daughter is 19 and will never live independently.

Well I don’t think that’s financially insecure if he’s managing rent and bills and to look after his daughter. Is he in debt? Does he pay his way when you go out? Are YOU looking for someone who could financially take care of you?
Some people aren’t money driven and feel perfectly fine if they can cover rent and bills and the odd night out. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But if this is fundamentally opposite to your own lifestyle then maybe you aren’t compatible.

You need to be extremely careful because as a widow with grown children, you are a golden ticket for someone like this.

Agree with PP that men in his age range without the funds are extremely charming and charismatic. The old adage, no one falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to live has some truth in it. He also has a dependent.

I would be dropping a sentence into conversation, "And that's when I decided never to live with another man again" and see whether the mask slips.

Less than 2 weeks in and you've already had SEVEN dates?

Jesus Christ.

Now you have given more details about him, he doesn't sound like someone who wants to take advantage of you - there seem to be clear reasons for his financial situation if there has been a relationship breakdown and a severely disabled child in his past.

But if you were hoping to be able to have a partner to go away with, enjoy nice nights out with etc then this is probably not the one for you. He won't be able to afford what you can and his caring responsibilities are not going to go away.

I think he sounds like a caring, responsible man but think carefully because you will be taking on quite a lot if you get seriously involved with him.

Well, you ended it with one guy 2 weeks ago,and you've already seen this new guy seven times?

That's what she means. 3 or 4 times maybe in less than 2 weeks is enough surely?

He sounds like a decent man but it would complicate your life.

It’s only been 2 weeks, far, far too early to be talking about feelings - you hardly know each other. He may well be a decent man but he also has long term caring responsibilities and very low income which will quickly become your problem if the relationship becomes serious, and he’s already heading towards it being serious. You clearly have some misgivings, given you’re asking the question - I’d listen carefully to those. He could be a decent man looking for love, he could be looking for a nurse with a purse.

I think maybe slow down a little! 7 dates in 2 weeks is a lot.Thinking about long term arrangements is mad .Just maybe see him 2 or 3 times a week, and see how you go from there? If I read it right you were with someone extremely wealthy up until a fortnight ago.Gosh girl u have barely let your sheets dry ! Slow down and breathe surely .There is no rush and you are way off living together yet!

You know you can just date people, yes? It doesn’t have to become a relationship every (or any) time.

OP, I’d walk away now. Too many red flags.

7 dates in two weeks is intense.

Dont worry about your compatibility just yes, see how it goes for the next couple of weeks

I think an important thing is why he is financially insecure.
Does he have debt? Debt or not having worked would be a no-no for me but if it’s just that he’s never bought because a partner had done and is now renting because they broke up that’s a bit different.

If the latter does it matter if you get on well?

I would not decide yet but continue the relationship at a slow pace and get a good feel for his motives. Certainly no moving in for at least a year.

Assuming he has a job, if the relationship continues well he will add to your financial security by paying half the bills if he does eventually move in.

This is so true! ^^

Speaking from life experience over the years, I did find it became a huge issue that a lovely kind sweet natured chap I was seeing for a while was “poor.”

Rented accommodation, tiny church pension, no assets.

In the end I was subsidizing or paying for nearly everything if I wanted us to go places, do activities or eat out. It became a drag.
The fire went out. We parted company. Overnight my bank balance improved.

Be careful. In your shoes … I’d look elsewhere.

I just read your update OP and this guy sounds decent, which for me is the most important thing in a relationship. It sounds as if there are good reasons why he is not as financially secure as you, and in fact if you look forward rather than back (without hurrying anything) there’s a strong possibility he might add to your life rather than take away from it. You do not need two houses after all, (but an additional pension from his stable job could come in quite handy if we are thinking about finances…)

I would ignore the people saying about 7 dates in two weeks feeling like a lot - if it’s working well this feels natural and may as well find out sooner rather than later if you get on well when spending more time together.

I could not fall for someone that was a financial liability. The risk would just put me off.

Can't you just continue to date him? Everything doesn't have to lead to living together.

The good thing about broke men is that they are ususally quite good at sex lol, probably because thats all they've got to offer so use it fully to their advantage.😀

How does he know about your financial situation ?

Where does she say he doesn't have a job?
I presume it's more that he's not a home owner which MNers consider a huge problem, but is actually very common in real life. Lots of people can work their whole life, but not have enough for a house deposit.

How do you think he knows, Einstein? 😂

Have you got anything useful or helpful to add for the OP to consider?

"He rents a flat and has a stable job"

Would a man reject a woman for this? I really hope not.

Is he claiming all that he is entitled to? Could / should he be earning more money rather than volunteering (however lovely that is)?

As you seem to know it all tell me how he knows about her savings and pension. She's told him ? Why would she do that ?

"Could / should he be earning more money rather than volunteering (however lovely that is)?"

Why? To please his rich new partner?
An extra job might not be enough to be able to get a house now that he probably doesn't have enough working years left to get a mortgage.

I mean, 7 dates in two weeks after just splitting up with someone else. Any woman would be told to slow down a little.

His daughter’s situation would make me even more worried about being asked to help down the line.