Ended my 9-month affair 2 months ago. Wife is none the wiser. Taking it to the grave but I can’t stop thinking about it.

[PolarBearBear]

I am bracing myself for the comments here, but I need an honest outside perspective. I’ve behaved appallingly and I'm trying to figure out how to move forward.

I’ve been married for 12 years with young kids. We are in our late 30s.

For 9 months, I had an affair with a 24-year-old single woman. She knew I was married from the start. To be blunt, the ego stroke completely blinded me and I got caught up in a total bubble.

This August, the guilt finally got too much. I realized how much I love my wife and our life, so I ended it. She was a work colleague, but she has since got a different job elsewhere, so I never see her anymore. When we broke it off, she promised to never tell anyone ever and she is just moving on with her life.

My wife has absolutely no idea and is completely none the wiser about all of this. There is absolutely no way she could ever find out on her own, as nobody else knows it happened.

I am 100% committed to focusing on my marriage, being the best husband I can possibly be, and I will never, ever cheat again.

I genuinely believe it is better if I never tell my wife and take this secret to my grave. Confessing would only alleviate my own guilt, and what she doesn't know can't hurt her. I don't want to destroy her world.

The problem is, I can't stop thinking about the affair. It's constantly in my head. I'm trying to be this perfect, attentive husband, but mentally I'm completely consumed by what happened.

Am I completely delusional to think I can just bury this and move on? How do I stop the thoughts and actually fix my marriage without destroying it with the truth?

I've attached a poll because I am genuinely torn on the ethics here. Is honesty always the best policy, or is silence sometimes the kinder choice? Please vote and let me know your thoughts.

When you say you keep thinking about the affair, do you really mean that you keep thinking about her? Because if so, you should definitely tell your wife and end your marriage, because she deserves so much better than this.
If this had been a meaningless one night stand and genuine mistake you might find more people on here advocating for keeping quiet. But this was a nine month affair. Perhaps it wasn’t meaningless, at least in the sense of telling you something about whether you are happy in your marriage or not.

I think I would maybe give it a few more weeks before making a decision. Give yourself a bit more distance from the affair, so you can maybe figure out if it’s her you miss or just the buzz and excitement. If you find yourself still thinking about her, then you have your answer and you should do your wife a favour, tell her the truth and end it. Once you’ve taken some time, if you find yourself thinking about it/her less and can hand on heart say you want to give your marriage a serious chance and love your wife, then you will be in a better position to make an informed decision. Whether that is to tell her, knowing that you are 100% committed to doing whatever she needs to get through this (if she decides to stay, strong chance she will not) or to take this to the grave knowing you won’t ever ever be tempted to do this again.

I'm definitely in the "take it to the grave" camp. You would've blown her world apart if she'd found out and I don't think now - or ever - is the time to tell her, as you seem to have come to your senses. Put it behind you and concentrate on your marriage. You really do need to step up though ( and grow up). You've been an idiot.
Take up sport or something to take your mind off it. It will fade eventually.

You are a liar and a cheat. When you slept with that girl you jeopardised your children's future. If your wife had found out, and ended it, your DC's lives would have been turned upside down and you would have caused their young minds a lot of anxiety.

You are dead wrong to think that your wife won't ever find out. Your cheating affair partner may get disgruntled that you ended it. She may feel guilt herself and contact your wife. Someone may have seen you. Your ex-affair partner WILL have definitely told someone else, a friend or colleague. There is no way she 100% kept that to herself. You may walk into a restaurant one day and there she is, with a friend or other man, and you both look at each other and become unsettled and your wife will ask questions. She'll know instantly.

Stay with your wife if you think that telling her and splitting up will be the worse option. However, don't insult us by saying you won't do it again. You did it once and got away with it, it is only a matter of time before you do it again because you are a liar and a cheat and a leopard can't change it's spots. You are just scared now as you are thinking "phew, she didn't find out" but its just a matter of time before your selfishness overrides any decency again.

I don't think you are home and dry OP. I think you need to look over your shoulder and flinch every time your wife's Facebook messenger dings because one day she WILL find out.

@PolarBearBear Why did you get married if you still wanted to have relationships with other people?

Monogamous relationships should only be for people who won't, or can't, cheat.

Hope you’ve had a STD test for your wife’s sake

OP, you don’t love your wife or your family.
If you genuinely loved and respected your wife, you could never have done this.

What made you do it in the first place, I think that’s an important thing to think about, as to how you are so sure you won’t do it again.

If it was the other way around and your wife had a 9 month affair and ended it but was still preoccupied with thoughts of him while you carried on blissfully unaware what would you rather she did with her “secret”

If you didn't keep thinking about the affair I'd say don't tell. Never do it again. Be a good human

But you miss the affair. You'll do it again. Stop being a cunt. Tell your wife

"Im never going to cheat again" "I kinda miss my affair partner" mate you only aren't cheating cos that hoe got a new job. You're a disgrace. Leave her. You do not love her if you could allow her to live like this and do this to her. You have been fucking her and the other woman and it's fucking disgusting. You're disgusting. You're a shit dad and an even shitter partner. You deserve nothing but the STDs You're probably riddled with.

"Be the best husband I can be" you can never be a good husband you utter moron. How I would hate to be burdened with someone so vile and delusional to think they could ever be a good person following this. Your poor kids.

Don’t tell her, but see a therapist so you can straighten your head out and delve into why you did it etc….then you may be able to make the right decision for the right reasons whether that’s telling her or not.

I voted take it to the grave. But I don't believe you won't do it again. You enjoyed the attention and no strings sex with a younger woman while having a family and a (presumably) loyal and loving wife at home, and you got away with it. No way you won't re-offend, and if you do, you deserve to get caught and lose what you have.

Telling her is selfish because you’re then offloading your own guilt onto her and putting the decision about whether to continue the marriage onto her. So if you genuinely think that there is no way she will ever find out, keep your guilt to yourself and don’t blow up her life.

However, the fact that you keep thinking about your affair partner is concerning. Yeah she might have left your work for now but I’ve had plenty of colleagues who left and then I ended up working with them again, either because they came back or I joined their employer. What if she texts you late at night? Will you really resist that if you’re thinking about her a lot? I am not so sure given that you kept it going for 9 months.

Also never underestimate the risk that she will have told her friends and it only takes one person to send an anonymous message to your wife telling her about it. Not necessarily your AP but one of her friends. And if you think she hasn’t told anyone and never will, you’re very naive. Someone will know because she wasn’t married and didn’t have the same incentive to keep it quiet. I’ve been 24 and that’s the sort of thing that eventually gets confessed over a few drinks. So be careful.

Ask yourself this: If this was your wife posting the same thing, how would you feel? Personally, if I was her I'd want to know, then I can decide if I want to continue being married to someone who isn't the man he deceived me to be on our wedding day. I can decide if I want you wriggling about on me again, or if I need a blood test or swabs taken for a potential STD.

SHE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW
Oh, and you will do it again.

To have done that means you do not love her, respect her or have her best interests at heart. She’d be better off without you.

Kinda missing the affair isn't great is it and I don't think blocking out these thoughts will be as easy as you think. I think you need to a mountain of work on yourself maybe with a counsellor, working out why you did it, what you miss and most importantly your true feelings on your marriage. I feel sorry for your wife, she is living a lie. I think she needs to be given a choice to stay with you or not based on the truth

You have hurt her, she just doesn’t know that you have yet. You have changed her past life with what you have done, you have changed what she thought was a happy and trustful marriage by your actions. That changes a person. You took the trust she had in you and broke it. It should be her choice on whether or not to carry on with a marriage and a partner who was happy to hurt and betray her.

Don’t tell her.

Have counseling discreetly and find out what is missing for you and why you looked elsewhere. Fix it.

You've developed a habit of thinking about your affair - perhaps you are using these thoughts to punish yourself instead of letting go, forgiving yourself & moving on. Our thoughts often lie to us.

Any habit can be changed. Every time you have a thought of your AP change it to a thought about how much you love your wife. Eventually the thoughts you spend the most time on will become more frequent.

Imagine your wife is the white dragon & your AP is the red dragon - stop feeding the red dragon.

I think in the olden days people took it to the grave, borne out by the revelations via DNA testing sites. Today it’s more difficult. We are more connected, there’s more information, there’s more chance it will come out.

I don't think you're a terrible person, OP. You do show some emotional intelligence and accountability. It's a really difficult one, as I would want to know myself if I had been cheated on. Knowledge is power and enables you to make an informed choice and all that ...

I voted that you should take it to the grave. You have a happy marriage and family, you love each other. The truth would poison to the point that your relationship would never fully revover. Why destabilise something good and hurt your wife? She would be haunted forever with so many questions.

Obviously, in your head, you will be a little consumed with the ex AP. That's natural, you just have to be strong enough not to act on those feelings again. You seemed to have made peace with the young woman and reached an understanding that it's over. You seemed to have showed some respect in ending it the best way you could. You need to concentrate on your marriage now and being the best husband and father you can be.

I am not 100% convinced that you won’t do it again, but I don’t think you should tell just to ease your conscience. Somehow you need to focus on being a brilliant husband and father. Unfortunately, more people have affairs than people realise and if you still really love your family, you will do your upmost to get past this.

Your punishment is carrying the guilt. If you tell your wife you just transfer that to her.

Stay silent and live with it.

I voted leave don't tell, which isn't a popular option, but I voted entirely based off what I think I would want my husband to do in this situation. Having been cheated on before, the thing that I found hardest to work through was the anger and the bitterness. I would have found it initially harder if the relationship had ended for a more blameless reason, but long term it would have been healthier for me.

I understand exactly why this isn't a popular reason, but I think you're a terrible husband and should excuse yourself from the marriage so she can find someone capable of treating her appropriately and, personally and for the sake of the children, I'd feel that no-one needs to know how much of a selfish person you've been.

I also think part of the reason a husband might feel this confliction about fessing up is because deep down they want everyone to know how attractive you still are. Even in your OP you felt the need to tell us the affair was with a younger woman...ok...And? Do you secretly want your wife to know you were able to pull another woman because your ego is struggling without the validation that comes from finding someone new that wants to have sex with you?

There is no single right answer to this. The only person whose view really counts here is your wife; your view counts for nothing really. You were happy to engage in a 9-month cliched affair with a much younger woman knowing you had a wife and young family at home. You were happy to deceive your wife and cheat on her for 9 whole months. It seems likely to me that you will do it again.

So, would your wife want to know? I think most spouses in your wife’s position would want to know but not all. That said, 9 months is a lot of lying, deceit and shiftiness. I suspect your wife will have sensed at least subconsciously that something was going on. It may in some ways come as a relief to know she wasn’t going mad with imagining things.