Ended my 9-month affair 2 months ago. Wife is none the wiser. Taking it to the grave but I can’t stop thinking about it.

[PolarBearBear]

I am bracing myself for the comments here, but I need an honest outside perspective. I’ve behaved appallingly and I'm trying to figure out how to move forward.

I’ve been married for 12 years with young kids. We are in our late 30s.

For 9 months, I had an affair with a 24-year-old single woman. She knew I was married from the start. To be blunt, the ego stroke completely blinded me and I got caught up in a total bubble.

This August, the guilt finally got too much. I realized how much I love my wife and our life, so I ended it. She was a work colleague, but she has since got a different job elsewhere, so I never see her anymore. When we broke it off, she promised to never tell anyone ever and she is just moving on with her life.

My wife has absolutely no idea and is completely none the wiser about all of this. There is absolutely no way she could ever find out on her own, as nobody else knows it happened.

I am 100% committed to focusing on my marriage, being the best husband I can possibly be, and I will never, ever cheat again.

I genuinely believe it is better if I never tell my wife and take this secret to my grave. Confessing would only alleviate my own guilt, and what she doesn't know can't hurt her. I don't want to destroy her world.

The problem is, I can't stop thinking about the affair. It's constantly in my head. I'm trying to be this perfect, attentive husband, but mentally I'm completely consumed by what happened.

Am I completely delusional to think I can just bury this and move on? How do I stop the thoughts and actually fix my marriage without destroying it with the truth?

I've attached a poll because I am genuinely torn on the ethics here. Is honesty always the best policy, or is silence sometimes the kinder choice? Please vote and let me know your thoughts.

If you were my husband I would want to know. I'd want to know so I can make decisions about my health and marriage. I wouldn't count on her never finding out. If I found out my DH did this and didn't tell me, it would be irreconcilable. A lot of people might be voting 'take it to the grave' so you have to think about whether your wife is like those people, or more like me and would want to know.

I don't understand how you can cheat on someone while claiming you love them in the first place, but letting them continue giving you themselves - her body, her fears, her hopes and dreams and affection, her life, her future - while keeping them in the dark about what a POS you are is another level. You're taking away her choice. Would she sleep with you still if she knew? Doesn't that bother you? How can you even look her in the eye? It's sickening

This is a gender reverse, which is obvious enough that it won’t prove what you want it to prove.

I think you should tell her in case you’ve given her a STD!

Yup

This isn't about not hurting your wife. If you cared about hurting her you wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

This is about protecting yourself because you don't want to blow up your own life. This continues to make you selfish, as well as a coward.

You're taking away her autonomy by not telling her. She has a right to know and to make a decision for herself regarding this marriage. She'll be hurt of course, but thinking it's ok to continue with this huge lie is absurd. You can't be a 'good' husband if you continue being dishonest. It makes you worse.

I changed my vote. I initially said to take it to the grave, but since you admit that you're obsessing over the affair it doesn't sound as though you really will desist.

[ETA Moreover, this wasn't a stupid one-night stand, but a full-blown affair over the best part of a year.]

It's fairer to tell your wife now, while she can make a new life for herself.

As others have said, there's the possibility of an STD. You need to get tested.

If you don’t tell her you are denying her the right to make an informed decision. Tell her and face up to what you’ve done. If you can act normally and sleep soundly at night without the guilt eating you up, you don’t love her enough anyway. People cheat, it’s a shitty thing to do but it doesn’t make you evil. Do the right thing and be honest with her now. And be honest with yourself because you probably know deep down that you are likely to do it again if the opportunity arises. Tell her now whilst she’s young and can move on. Don’t be selfish and heartless.
Make sure you tell her when you can look after the children on your own and allow her to grieve and see friends.
Don’t be preying on young girls at work, it’s icky.

I would 100% want to know.

I think you are being delusional, you love your wife , but you love the excitement and ego boost of an affair more- I don't think you will be faithful for long. You have also not considered the fact that the affair could come out at any time- promising to keep something secret is by no means 100% and there are lots of other ways it could come out.

I think Mumsnet is very un-nuanced when it comes to cheating, and I say that as someone who was cheated on after a long marriage.

You have 2 things you need to do alone. Firstly get over the affair partner, so you need to start taking a much colder look at her and her character. Is she someone you would want looking after your children? Knowing she brazenly has relationships with older married men, is she really someone you would want to be in a relationship with? Even if you were single, was it going anywhere as a relationship. No! So come back to that - why waste your energy on something that’s always going to go south.

Then there is your marriage: what are you actually doing to be the best husband? Do you know what that actually means and what that would look like?

If you'd been asked a couple of years ago, you'd probably have said "I'd never cheat on my wife", but here you are. It's unrealistic to say you'll never cheat again because you're obviously a very weak man if you were swayed by a bit of attention and ego stroking. I think you're also deluding yourself if you think she'll never find out. If you're mentally obsessed about the affair then sooner or later she'll twig something isn't right. Either tell her and let her make an informed decision on whether she wants to remain with a cheat, or get therapy.

I say the same thing every time this question is posed on here. You’ve already ended your marriage. Continuing with a lie this big makes what you have now completely worthless. Your wife doesn’t deserve this. Do the decent thing now and take responsibility for your appalling selfish behaviour. Look at what is wrong with you that made you allow yourself to do it in the first place. If you don’t, you will do it again.

This is called having your cake and eating it. You have had this affair and got away with it. This will embolden you for the next one. And the next one. And your wife will find out after she’s wasted more of her life with you.

But you won’t tell her because you don’t love her enough to give her a choice in her own life.

As someone who was in the same position as your wife, you'd have to consider that if she ever found out without you telling her, it would be far worse. My partner thought the same as you amd chose not to tell me, but the way I found out was purely by chance. He didn't see it coming.

The worst part of the betrayal was the way I found out, and it often makes me wonder how many others there were.

If I were you, I'd seek councilling for a period of time where you can decide whether she should know or not. You need to also discover why you did it. If you don't know this now, there is no way you could stop it from happening again. Being caught up in the highs of affection from someone else means you'll be unable to say no next time.

I'd be fixing this part of you first, as the real issue here is why you did it and whether you deserve a second chance. Sadly, my partner had a history of getting too close to other women and considered himself a victim. He never took responsibility.

So my advice is counselling to discover who you are and maybe then you'll be able to deal with guilt, commitment and ultimately whether to tell your wife.

Also “being the best husband “ from now on, what a joke you are if you can’t see the nastiness you carry with you with your lies.

As someone whose father did this, I wouldn’t tell. It destroys kids’ childhoods.

your punishment for this - and I don’t mean it unkindly - is to learn to live with what you have done and ensure it can’t ever happen again.

Get some counselling to talk through what you did, why you did it and how you can move forward.

Long term, it will equip you with strategies to stop thinking so much about the affair.

oh you know thats not how any of this works. things don’t stay secret. none of the stuff we do that significantly damages a relationship stays out of sight for ever.

You should do what you know your wife would rather you do. Some people value truth and honesty above everything so they can retain autonomy over their own lives. Others might value stability more. You know her best, we can't answer for you.

Trying to block out the thoughts and feelings about the affair won't help you be "the best husband you can be", though. Secrets create distance in relationships and rot it from the inside. You need to be honest with yourself about what was missing from your marriage that led to you pursuing an affair, why you felt entitled to betray the woman you committed to, what your feelings for your AP actually are, and whether you're comfortable with being the sort of person who denies another the ability to make informed decisions about the sort of life they're living. Therapy can help.

What do you want - a medal? Sleazebag.

As someone who was cheated on after two decades, I can hand on heart say it has been the most excruciating 18 months of my life. It has impacted everything. I think about it every day, my life is a painful assault course of daily triggers. This is despite having done a lot of 'work' on myself both prior to and since he decided to tell me -I consider myself mature, quite wise, open-minded in terms of understanding that life takes unexpected turns, excited about and open to personal growth through exploring ourselves through the relationships we're in etc. But learning of this affair (and it wasn't a long thing like yours either, OP) has broken me. And as for our teen DC, they don't know that what has happened is because of their DF's affair, but the impact on them has been huge. This despite me doing everything I can to keep them insulated from the fall-out of his actions. It's been on me to prevent them from putting 2 + 2 together to realise their dad's a dick. Like you, he is very remorseful and has vowed to make good what he ruined, and although he's kept on trying, the trying which I'm required to undertake has proven to be in excess of my capacity unless I go into complete denial. We're separating.

Find a counsellor.
Establish trust and a commitment to continue a course of sessions specifically about what led you to this place.
Plan ahead so you have a place to offer to go to, should your wife feel she needs physical distance from you. Don't let lack of foresight be the reason she has to swallow her hurt and rage in order to put up with you in her space once you tell her.
Then you must tell your wife.
Do not make it your wife's work to explore any of the grimness of your limerance or ambivalence with you, or to caretake your emotions -that's for your therapist.
Protect her from any impulse to traumabond with you through sex she may later wish she hadn't had with you, post-discovery.

Your poor wife.

If you tell her it’s not so you can do some good for her, it’s so you can relieve your secret burden on her. If you want to keep the marriage, don’t mention a word. This goes to the grave

get some therapy or speak to a vicar

Go get full STI check so wife doesn’t get any souvenirs…

I would tell her and accept whatever she wants to do with that. These things usually come out one way or another, you may slip up and say something, the AP may tell or they may have told someone who will tell. Best to come from you now rather than later or from someone else.